The Thoughts of a Jeopardy Contestant Who Is Beginning to Think His Buzzer Is Broken

  1. Um, who is Vasco De Gama?
  2. Quick, buzz.
  3. Not fast enough.
  4. Again.
  5. Shake it off, Chet.
  6. Ok, this George guy picked Literary Dogs for $200. You got this.
  7. This was the faithful dog of Odysseus.
  8. WHO IS ARGOS.
  9. BUZZ, BUZZ, BUZZ.
  10. Bullshit Sheryl buzzed faster than me.
  11. She got it right.
  12. Ok, Chet. Just buzz right away this time. Don't even wait for the question.
  13. Sheryl picked With Great "Ease" for $600.
  14. The answer is probably "appeasement" or something. Don't wait for the question.
  15. Well, don't wait for the answer.
  16. You know what you mean.
  17. Start buzzing now.
  18. Buzz.
  19. Buzz.
  20. Buzz.
  21. GEORGE BUZZED FASTER?!
  22. BULLSHIT.
  23. THERE'S NO WAY, ALEX.
  24. The clue was "This term describes Neville Chamberlain's policy towards German aggression."
  25. It was "appeasement."
  26. This is ridiculous.
  27. I think my buzzer is broken.
  28. I have $0 and haven't spoken once.
  29. Ok, phew, it's the part where Alex interviews people real quick. Just slyly mention to him that you think your buzzer is broken.
  30. Uh huh, uh huh, George and his wife once parasailed on their honeymoon.
  31. Why is George telling it like it's a wacky story?
  32. It's just a thing that happened exactly as planned.
  33. Ok, ok, Sheryl collects something a little strange. What is it, Sheryl?
  34. Sheryl collects Frosted Flakes boxes.
  35. That is strange.
  36. Like, even for Jeopardy.
  37. Why does she do that?
  38. Ok, Alex is coming to me.
  39. Yep, yep, I'm a teacher, and my kids did have something funny to say when I told them I was going to be on the show.
  40. "Haha, yeah, Alex, they said they are going to be at home watching with a red pen to correct my mistakes hahaha! Hey, so I think my buzzer may be broken."
  41. Alex did not like that at all.
  42. "Sorry, I know this isn't live, so I can do my little spiel again. I just really think my buzzer may be broken."
  43. Alex coldly let me know that the buzzer works fine, and I just need to be faster.
  44. "No, but..."
  45. The game continues.
  46. George is picking "Harry Potter Professors" for $800.
  47. I know these.
  48. Thank god.
  49. Just buzz. Don't stop buzzing.
  50. Buzz during the commercials if you have to.
  51. Everyone at home will be learning about Aleve, and I'll still be buzzing.
  52. He is the History of Magic Professor.
  53. AM I NOT BUZZING AT THE EXACT SECOND THE FLOOR IS OPEN TO BUZZING? AM I ALWAYS BETWEEN BUZZES RIGHT WHEN THAT HAPPENS?
  54. Buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz.
  55. GEORGE AGAIN?!
  56. WRONG.
  57. What does George have to say?
  58. Professor Sprout. Really, George?
  59. It's in her name that she's obviously the plant teacher.
  60. Keep buzzing. Keep buzzing.
  61. SHERYL?! SHERYL BEAT ME?!
  62. OF COURSE IT'S PROFESSOR BINNS.
  63. Goddamnit, Sheryl can buy so many Frosted Flakes with that $800.
  64. "UM, my buzzer doesn't work!"
  65. I just got a first warning from Alex.
  66. I've never seen that before.
  67. I don't even know how many warnings there are.
  68. Ok, keep playing and prove to Alex that your buzzer is totally messed up.
  69. Literary dogs for $1000.
  70. Just buzz the second you see the clue.
  71. George and Sheryl are stumped.
  72. Now's your chance.
  73. Levin's hunting dog in "Anna Karenina."
  74. Just buzz.
  75. Don't buzz. Don't buzz. That's so hard.
  76. Prove to Alex that your buzzer is broken.
  77. Buzz.
  78. Oh, no, my buzzer totally works.
  79. "Um... Spot."
  80. "I mean, who is Spot?"
  81. -$1000