The Thoughts of a Kindergarten Teacher Who Is Completely Blanking on the Word "Cow"

  1. "The horse says...?"
  2. There is nothing more adorable than twenty 5-year-olds simultaneously neighing.
  3. "Very good! The sheep says...?"
  4. Baaa. God, I love my job. They are so stupid cute.
  5. "Amazing! The pig says...?"
  6. Look how into this they are getting.
  7. "Ok, Dimitri, stand up and stop rolling around, but yes, that is what pigs do."
  8. I love Dimitri. He is such a little weirdo.
  9. I need to stop mentioning him on Tindr dates though. No one wants to hear about someone else's kid.
  10. I should set up some more dates, but every guy is always like "I've always had a teacher fantasy" and it's like "could you not?"
  11. But I need to stop seeing other teachers just because they are around. That's the laziest form of dating.
  12. Where was I?
  13. "Ok, children, the..."
  14. God, what's the name of that animal? The big, obvious one?
  15. "The..."
  16. How in the world am I blanking on this? You know, the...
  17. Like, there it is in my mind's eye. God, what the hell is it called?
  18. It's on the tip of my tongue. It's like a short word.
  19. Starts with an P?
  20. Or am I thinking of pig again?
  21. GOD I KNOW WHAT IS IT. HOW AM I FORGETTING THIS NAME?
  22. It's like...
  23. Oh man, now I'm imagining it taunting me.
  24. It's, like, the milk creature.
  25. If I can't remember this right now, it will become a thing and my brain will lock me out.
  26. Stall.
  27. "The rooster goes...?"
  28. Good, they will cock-a-doodle-do for a minute while I figure this out.
  29. It's an animal everyone knows. I've said this word a million times.
  30. They are where we get beef from.
  31. "Ok, kids, the dog goes...?"
  32. Remember that documentary about how badly they were treated where they are all like
  33. HOW IS IT THAT I CAN IMAGINE THEM SO VIVIDLY, BUT CAN'T FIGURE OUT THEIR NAME?
  34. They have udders and stuff? Why is this happening?
  35. I can remember the word "bovine" but not the actual word.
  36. They are like...
  37. God, I'm picturing it but I'm no closer.
  38. I could reverse engineer this and be like "What says moo?" and have the children tell me the name.
  39. But then little Elena will be like "oh, Miss Katie, do you not know what says moo?"
  40. Look at Elena woofing. What kind of child imitates a yipping dog when they woof? She is the worst.
  41. These children will turn on me the second they know I don't know what the Black and White Moo Monster is called.
  42. Why do we need to teach children what farm animals sound like?
  43. Like, are these suburban 5-year-olds encountering goats on the playground?
  44. Dimitri doesn't know how to velcro yet, but he does know the sounds of rural animals.
  45. "The... uh... the chicken says?"
  46. "I KNOW WE ALREADY DID ROOSTERS, ELENA, BUT CHICKENS ARE DIFFERENT FROM ROOSTERS, SO CLUCK."
  47. Ok, focus. They are like in herds?
  48. What are they called? The big fat milk machines.
  49. Ok, there was that video titled "______ and baby rhino are best friends."
  50. Adorable.
  51. What was the BLANK?!
  52. Is it like... a curl? As in "hey guys, look at those curls?"
  53. No, that doesn't sound right.
  54. HOW DOES THE HUMAN MIND KNOW SO MUCH, BUT SOMETIMES FORGETS A SINGLE WORD?
  55. You're losing them, Katie. They are clucking all over the room. Davey just knocked over a pencil case with his pecking.
  56. Just give up and move on to letters. Letters are important. People use letters every day.
  57. No. I need to get this for me.
  58. Think. Think.
  59. "Um, the... opossum goes...?"
  60. Neither these children, nor I, know what an opossum goes.
  61. Lots of silence and light hissing.
  62. I'm losing both the children and my mental grasp on what the udder pets are.
  63. Like, most of the time, these animals don't wear boots, right? I am losing it, correct?
  64. Think about how they make milk.
  65. Too abstract. I'm losing it. I'm getting too far from it.
  66. That's not a thing, right? They can't milk each other.
  67. Dimitri just stood on his desk and yelled "I'm King Opossum!" This needs to end. Children are monsters. I never should have become a teacher.
  68. Simplify.
  69. "HORSE!"
  70. Nope, horses are their own thing, and now I have alarmed the children.
  71. "PIG! GOAT! ROOSTER! YAY!"
  72. If I yell a bunch of words positively, students assume it is teaching.
  73. I... think I have to move on. I'm not going to get this.
  74. I know, I know. I have failed both myself and you, big dumb farm beast.
  75. "Alright, children, time for the alphabet!"
  76. The children are booing. They are booing the concept of the alphabet. I let them succumb too deeply into farm animals, all because I couldn't figure out a word.
  77. "Repeat after me... A!"
  78. Elena is pulling Rosemary's hair.
  79. "B!"
  80. Joe C is pasting EVERYTHING.
  81. "C!!!"
  82. Wait.
  83. "COW! COW! WHAT DOES THE COW SAY?"
  84. Moo your hearts out, children. Miss Katie is once again your master.