The Thoughts of a Magician at a Children's Birthday Party Who Realizes His Rabbit Is Dead Mid-trick

  1. "And for my next trick, boys and girls, I will pull my rabbit out of my hat."
  2. I have these little bastards right where I want them.
  3. Plus, Connie is so damn cute that no one can resist it.
  4. It's showtime, Connie. I'm coming in!
  5. ....
  6. Something is wrong. Connie isn't moving inside my hat.
  7. Kind of jiggle her a little.
  8. Connie, move.
  9. Oh. That is rigor mortis. That is rigor mortis in my hat.
  10. Connie is dead.
  11. And the kids are laughing because they think I'm pretending to dig around in my hat like when I pretended I couldn't control how many coins were coming out of Dylan the Birthday Boy's ear.
  12. Connie is dead. My Connie.
  13. Oh man, what do I do?
  14. Do I pull out a dead rabbit?
  15. Do I pull out a dead rabbit in front of thirty nine-year-olds?
  16. "HMMM, GUESS I NEED TO KEEP DIGGING!"
  17. What is wrong with you, Philip? Connie is dead.
  18. Oh man, do these kids know about death? Will I have to explain death to this children's birthday party?
  19. There's no magic in death.
  20. You just die. Like Connie.
  21. I guess I could take one of the doves out of my sleeve again and pull that out.
  22. They are probably so sick of doves by now. This show has been inordinately dove-heavy.
  23. "OH, BOY, SHE'S REALLY HOPPING AROUND IN THERE."
  24. The kids are loving this so much. Little do they know, I have lost one of my best friends.
  25. Connie was my most trusted assistant.
  26. Don't cry. Figure out a way out of this.
  27. "Oh, well, no rabbit in this hat."
  28. Move on, clean up Connie later.
  29. Do not put the hat back on. You cannot finish this show with Connie's dead body resting on your head.
  30. Dylan's mom is shaking her head. She paid for the rabbit.
  31. She just yelled out "we want the rabbit" and now the children are chanting it.
  32. That's insane parenting.
  33. I want the rabbit too, guys. But she's gone forever.
  34. She was here one second, and now she's not.
  35. "Sorry, I guess I'm not really Philipe the Great. I can't do the rabbit trick today."
  36. "Hey, you kids think these two rings are solid?"
  37. A little girl in the front just tugged on my cape and said, "You're Philipe the great. Of course you can do the rabbit trick. Just believe in yourself."
  38. Oh God, I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry in front of all these children and their moms and like one or two dads.
  39. "You all want the rabbit trick?"
  40. Don't do it, Philip.
  41. "You all want to see the rabbit?"
  42. Oh God, Connie. Connie is dead, and part of what was my normal is now gone.
  43. "HERE'S CONNIE."
  44. Gasps.
  45. "She died in my hat today. She was very old. She loved magic. You could tell she believed. You all would have loved her... I loved her."
  46. Oh, God, Connie is gone forever and nothing I can do can change that.
  47. Children are crying along with me.
  48. Dylan's mom is screaming at me.
  49. I am not getting paid today.
  50. Ok, I'm going to put Connie back in the hat and get out. All of the parents are attacking me, except for one dad who is applauding because he is convinced this is part of the trick.
  51. Why is the little girl tugging at me again? Leave me alone.
  52. She said "I bet Connie was a good rabbit."
  53. "Connie was the best rabbit."
  54. Connie is the best rabbit.
  55. Ok, I'm releasing the doves and escaping.