The Thoughts of a Man Who Accidentally Knocked Out His Skydiving Instructor With a Fist Pump Mid-Air

  1. "Hell yeah I'm ready, Charlie."
  2. You got this, Justin. Just listen to Charlie. You'll be fine.
  3. He's a professional and he's tied to you. He also doesn't want to die. You're going to be fine.
  4. This is so insane. Jumping out of planes is for emergencies.
  5. You saved up, Justin. You paid the money.
  6. It's time to put your money where you're mouth is.
  7. "LET'S GO."
  8. HOLY SHIT THIS IS SCARY.
  9. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA. WOOOOO.
  10. "YEAH, I'M GOOD, CHARLIE."
  11. GOD, I FEEL SO ALIVE.
  12. I JUST WANNA...
  13. FIST PUMP, YEA-
  14. ...
  15. "CHARLIE?!"
  16. ...
  17. "CHARLIE, BUD."
  18. Oh.
  19. Oh boy.
  20. I accidentally punched Charlie in the face with my fist pump.
  21. I'm, uh... I'm not used to having someone tethered to my back.
  22. Well...
  23. Make your peace with God, Justin.
  24. God, I'm sorry for, uh, not going to church ever, and for essentially killing Charlie here.
  25. Look out for my Mom, to whom I promised I would never skydive.
  26. And, um... I guess now that I'm facing death I have to admit to myself that it was Laura I've always loved, even though I told her it was cool to date Greg.
  27. JUSTIN, SNAP OUT OF IT.
  28. YOU'RE FALLING THROUGH THE SKY.
  29. OK, THINK. THINK. YOU HAD HOURS OF ON THE GROUND TRAINING.
  30. ON THE BACKPACK THERE ARE MULTIPLE PARACHUTE CANOPY TOGGLE THINGS TO PULL.
  31. THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE CHARLIE'S JOB.
  32. "HEY, CHARLIE, ARE YOU STILL KNOCKED OUT?!"
  33. EITHER CHARLIE IS STILL KNOCKED OUT OR HE HAS A REAL "TRIAL BY FIRE" TEACHING APPROACH.
  34. REACH AROUND CHARLIE.
  35. GOD DAMN IT, CHARLIE'S LIMP LIMBS ARE EVERYWHERE, I CAN'T FIND THE TOGGLE-
  36. STOP HITTING ME, CHARLIE.
  37. JUSTIN, YOU CANNOT COMPLAIN ABOUT CHARLIE HITTING YOU.
  38. HERE IT IS. I FOUND THE TOGGLES.
  39. JUST START PULLING THEM.
  40. BUT WHAT IF ONE OF THEM MAKES THE BACKPACK FLY OFF?!
  41. WHY WOULD THAT BE A THING, JUSTIN?!
  42. NO. NO. I NEED TO NOT DIE. I'M PULLING A TOGGLE.
  43. Wait.
  44. Do a quick flip, Justin.
  45. You paid to be up here.
  46. NO. I'M PULLING IT.
  47. AHAHAHAHAHA
  48. IT WORKED! IT WORKED! THE CHUTE WENT OFF.
  49. ...
  50. I have to worry about landing, huh.
  51. OH MAN. OH MAN. OH MAN. HOW DO I LAND?
  52. IT'S WINDY AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STEER. WE WENT OVER IT ON THE GROUND BUT I WAS ALL LIKE "WELL, YEAH, BUT CHARLIE WILL HANDLE IT WHILE I LOOK AROUND AT THE GROUND."
  53. I THINK IT INVOLVES MORE TOGGLE PULLING, JUSTIN.
  54. OK, OK, I'M SORT OF MOVING THIS THING.
  55. "CHARLIE, PALLY, YOU UP?"
  56. "CHARLIE, CHUCK, CHARLES?"
  57. Pretty impressive knockout, Justin.
  58. You're good, dude. The chute is up.
  59. Worst case scenario from here on out, someone saves you from a tree.
  60. PEOPLE GOT TIED UP IN TREES AND DIED IN "BAND OF BROTHERS," WHICH MEANS IT PROBABLY HAPPENED IN WORLD WAR II, WHICH MEANS IT HAPPENS IN REAL LIFE.
  61. So... Lord, it wasn't a great life. Unfulfilled for sure.
  62. I didn't mean to push Laura away. It was just like we became "the timing is never right" people to each other, so when the timing actually was right, I got scared because me and Laura in my mind had grown into this big thing I never thought would actually exist, and I didn't want to ruin our exciting potential, you know?
  63. Also, I once put a bunch of drinks on this guy Herbert's card at a bar once. I didn't know him, but he was buying drinks for people on his intramural frisbee team and I pretended I was one of them.
  64. I'm sorry.
  65. THE GROUND IS COMING FAST.
  66. DEAL WITH THIS SITUATION, JUSTIN. IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY FOR IT.
  67. OK, LET'S STEER AWAY FROM THAT POND.
  68. WRONG TOGGLE. WRONG TOGGLE.
  69. OH MAN, OH MAN, I'M GOING TO DROWN MYSELF AND CHARLIE.
  70. God, um, based off Charlie's hand that keeps hitting me in the face, he is married, so please take care of his wife.
  71. OH, SWEET WIND, TAKE US AWAY FROM THE POND.
  72. OH WAIT, I CAN ALSO PRAY TO GOD TO SAVE ME, NOT JUST TO PREPARE FOR DEATH.
  73. God, Justin again, please save me. I know I keep coming to peace with my life but I really really want to live.
  74. Laura is so cool.
  75. OK, GOD DID NOT MAKE THE POND DISAPPEAR.
  76. LEGS UP. LEGS UP.
  77. SKIM THE POND.
  78. GRAB CHARLIE'S ARMS AND LEGS.
  79. DIPPING IN THE POND. ALMOST TO THE END.
  80. OK, NOW KEEP GOING STRAIGHT SO WE DON'T ROLL UP IN THE CHUTE AND DIE.
  81. DRY LAND!!!!!!
  82. AHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAAA.
  83. "WOOOOOOOO."
  84. I did it.
  85. MAKE SURE YOU DIDN'T KILL CHARLIE.
  86. "CHARLIE?! ARE YOU ALIVE."
  87. OH GOD. HE'S NOT RESPONSIVE.
  88. JUSTIN, GOD SPARED YOU SO YOU COULD LIVE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN PRISON.
  89. THERE'S NO LAURAS IN PRISON.
  90. God, please don't have me have killed Charlie here.
  91. I understand that it would be a cruel little bit of irony, but it was only a fist pump. Fist pumps are fun. A fist pump never hurt anyone.
  92. HE'S MOVING.
  93. "CHARLIE, CHARLIE, ARE YOU OK?"
  94. Oh, he is freaking out.
  95. "RELAX. RELAX. I DID IT. We're on the ground. I did it."
  96. I did it.
  97. I'm going to talk to Laura tonight.
  98. Oh, wait, we are very far away from the skydiving facility. Like, miles.
  99. Maybe I'll talk to her tomorrow.