The Thoughts of a Man Who Accidentally Popped the Inflatable Swan While Trying to Climb Onto it

  1. Everyone wants me to get on the swan.
  2. "I think I'm good."
  3. I am in the pool. This is more than enough.
  4. I specifically brought my bathing suit, so I wouldn't be "guy who doesn't go in the pool at the pool party."
  5. I didn't realize this was one of those giant inflatable swan pools.
  6. I thought this would be like a basketball hoop and a couple of noodles pool.
  7. I didn't realize I was spending the weekend like a Hadid.
  8. Shut up, Jake. Annie was nice enough to bring us all out to her uncle's place, and she specifically brought a gigantic inflatable swan so it would monopolize the weekend.
  9. Jake, I think you're jealous of the swan.
  10. I'm not jealous of the swan.
  11. The swan is in every single post and snap. The swan is the center of attention, not you, Jake.
  12. This swan is rose gold. You're not rose gold, Jake.
  13. Just accept that you hang out with basic people who worship the swan and stop acting like you're better than it. It's fun.
  14. "Alright, let me get on this swan."
  15. Can the swan support the weight of a grown man?
  16. It supported Calvin Harris.
  17. I definitely weigh more than Calvin Harris.
  18. Ok, how do I get on this thing?
  19. Is there a way that everybody could look away while I grope and wrestle this swan?
  20. I am clinging to this float like a scared wet cat, desperately trying to get my footing.
  21. I feel like the haggard cat that Pepe Le Pew always chases.
  22. Did she have a name?
  23. Paula?
  24. You can't look things up in the pool.
  25. Note to self: look up the name of that poor cat Pepe Le Pew would harass.
  26. Man, Pepe Le Pew was a predator, huh?
  27. I have flipped this swan over three times trying to get on it.
  28. I should have gotten out of the pool and delicately jumped on the swan.
  29. I didn't know. This is my first swan.
  30. Look at Eric laughing at me as he casually lays on the pizza float.
  31. Back in my day floats were just giant blue rectangles.
  32. Now they have to be unicorns, colorful food, and poop emojis.
  33. Grab the swan's neck. Strangle the swan to get on.
  34. ...What's that sound?
  35. I tore a hole in the swan's neck.
  36. Oh God. Oh no.
  37. This entire gathering is built upon this fancy swan float.
  38. They named it Riri.
  39. I killed Riri.
  40. Can people tell?
  41. His neck is slowly dropping.
  42. Annie is going to destroy me.
  43. She specifically texted me saying I can't break anything at her uncle's place.
  44. And then I got all mad at her and asked her if she texted everyone else, and I made her feel real bad and she apologized.
  45. But sure enough, I broke the swan.
  46. She's losing air fast.
  47. Quick, blow air in her.
  48. Can anyone tell? It probably looks like I'm necking with the swan.
  49. Necking? Who says necking? Who do you think you are, F. Scott Fitzgerald?
  50. It's not working.
  51. She's shrinking.
  52. Just keep your hand over the tear.
  53. Oh no, Colleen wants to take a picture of me on the swan.
  54. "Ok just one! Hurry. Hurry."
  55. What do I do?
  56. I could get a new friend group.
  57. But then it'll be forever before I get invited on weekend trips.
  58. Colleen is looking at the photos she took. She noticed the swan is drooping.
  59. "Shhhhh. I killed the swan."
  60. Thank God Annie is inside cutting watermelon into fantastic shapes.
  61. "Colleen! SHHHHH. Don't tell! If you don't tell, I'll finally accept you as Eric's girlfriend."
  62. Colleen says I better solve this by the time she comes back from grabbing more rosé.
  63. I could swim away.
  64. And pretend like someone else popped it.
  65. This is why you don't spend $150 on a pool float.
  66. We're barely in the Hamptons anyway.
  67. I guess I just ride this swan till she slowly deflates.
  68. Like the captain of the Titanic.
  69. That'd be a fun float.
  70. A giant rose gold sinking Titanic.
  71. JAKE, NO. YOU ARE NOT RUINING THIS PARTY.
  72. BLOW. BLOW. BLOW INTO THE SWAN'S NECK.
  73. The tube part is now losing air.
  74. Oh God, I'm getting caught in it.
  75. Wait, I think I'm actually stuck.
  76. "Eric, pssst. You'll notice the swan is collapsing around me. I desperately need help."
  77. Ok, now this is becoming a big deal.
  78. "No, Eric, don't slowly paddle over. Get off the pizza and help me."
  79. This swan is now a blob, and I am tangled in it.
  80. I killed Riri, and she is going to kill me.
  81. I deserve this.
  82. I deserve to be drowned by the deflated corpse of a rose gold swan.
  83. Penelope.
  84. The cat Pepe Le Pew stalked was Penelope.
  85. Ok, Eric is fighting back this mass with me now.
  86. We did it. We freed ourselves from the swan!
  87. "Oh hey Annie. I ruined the swan."
  88. Oh sick, everyone is drunk enough they want to have a swan funeral.
  89. This worked out. They get to take more photos.
  90. And the swan is finally gone.