The Thoughts of a Ouija Board Who Is Pretty Sure Danny Is Messing With Everyone

  1. Open me up, children. Prepare to experience the occult, as only Hasbro can explain it.
  2. Sike. There's no such thing as ghosts. I'm just a hunk of cardboard and some plastic.
  3. I'm just a dumb party trick.
  4. Grow up, kids. You're teenagers now. You're too old to believe in things that go bump in the night.
  5. Ugh, fine, Danny, if you insist, play me. Everyone knows you're just doing this to flirt with Faith. It's so obvious to everyone in the boardgame closet.
  6. Oh, what's that, Amanda? Your mom never let you play with Ouija Boards growing up?
  7. Well, she's right, because we're all stupid and dumb and worthless.
  8. Throw me out and play Stratego.
  9. Let's get this over with.
  10. Ok, guys, put your hands on me and ask me yes or no questions.
  11. Does the ghost of Maniac Minnie haunt this house?
  12. Ugh, that's just an old wives' tale. This is so stupid.
  13. ...
  14. Ok, who's moving me?
  15. I'm not moving.
  16. Someone is moving me.
  17. Is it Danny?
  18. Danny swears it's not him. So does Joe.
  19. I'm with you Faith. It's totally Danny.
  20. It's always Danny. Remember that time Danny jumped out of the game closet and scared Bridget so bad she swore she would never come to Danny's basement anymore?
  21. Just admit it so you guys can play 7 Minutes in Heaven like real 14-year-olds.
  22. And like actually play this time. Everyone in the board game closet saw you chicken out last time, Joe and Amanda, even if you told everyone you did.
  23. Don't Wake Daddy swears he saw some hand touching, but he's full of shit.
  24. Fine. Ask another question.
  25. Is Minnie in the room right now?
  26. Who is moving it?
  27. Danny, stop. It's not funny.
  28. Guys, Maniac Minnie was probably just like a mentally ill person at a time when our mental health programs were even worse than they are today. Quite frankly, it is disgusting-
  29. Everyone's fingers are messing with me.
  30. Spelling "YES, I A-M H-E-R-E."
  31. This is ridiculous. It's gotta be Danny, right? Remember that time he stacked the deck so he got all the good cards? Apples to Apples was so pissed. You can't just give yourself "Helen Keller" like that.
  32. Plus, there's no such thing as ghosts... Right?
  33. ...right, guys?
  34. Oh, yeah, they can't hear you. You're a Ouija Board.
  35. Amanda's right. Stop playing me. I'm stupid and useless.
  36. Play Battleship! He hasn't been played in years. Or just, like, make out!
  37. No, Danny. Stop, Danny. You're just trying to scare all of us.
  38. All of them.
  39. All of them, I meant.
  40. I am not a Ouija Board that is scared of ghosts.
  41. Yeah, that would be pathetic.
  42. I just think this is stupid. Real stupid. And Danny, I know for a fact your parents don't count their beers, so you guys should have some instead!
  43. Yeah! That's right! Pass around one beer and pretend to be drunk enough to hold hands! That's fun, right?
  44. DANNY, NO, DO NOT ASK IF MANIAC MINNIE MEANS US ANY HARM!
  45. Danny, do not move me.
  46. Oh god...
  47. It went to "Yes."
  48. Oh no, Danny wasn't touching it at all that time.
  49. Amanda is crying. Joe is crying. Danny is crying. I would cry but I am cardboard.
  50. THE LIGHTS ARE FLICKERING! OH GOD, OH NO.
  51. I'M SORRY FOR ALWAYS BEING SO NEGATIVE ALL THESE YEARS! IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS SCARED I WAS A CONDUIT FOR GHOSTS! I'M SORRY FOR NOT TRYING MY BEST TO BE PICKED! I'M SORRY I STOLE THE PIECES OUT OF CONNECT FOUR SO THE RED TEAM ALWAYS FINISHES BEFORE THE YELLOW TEAM! I'M SORRY I MADE FUN OF MONOPOLY JR. KIDS HAVE TO START SOMEWHERE!
  52. Wait, why is Faith laughing?
  53. BRIDGET WAS HERE THE WHOLE TIME MESSING WITH THE LIGHTS?!
  54. That's really not funny, guys.
  55. No, really, I'm mad. That's not funny.
  56. I'm leaving. You guys suck.
  57. ...
  58. Can someone please put me back in the board game closet?