The Thoughts of a Paparazzo at the Beach Who Notices That Zac Efron Is Getting a Little Red

  1. Come on, beach, come on. Give me someone good.
  2. Oh, great Zac.
  3. He knows the drill. He frolics in the water; I take photos from afar.
  4. Hot today.
  5. Good thing I wore this stupid bucket hat.
  6. I wonder if the bucket hat will come back around. Remember when it did in the early 2000's? What was that about?
  7. Oh, who is this mystery blonde with Zac?
  8. I hate my job.
  9. I have a camera and I live here and this was supposed to just be a way to pick up some extra money while I wrote.
  10. You haven't touched your alien screenplay in months, Alex.
  11. Space is hot right now. You have to jump on it.
  12. Perfect, Zac, kiss her in the surf.
  13. I've gotten, like, good at knowing where Ariana Grande is going to be. That's something I am good at now.
  14. You know how weird it is to wake up one day and be like "I know what celebrities will be at Cobalt tonight"? I used to know all the Presidents, in order. I've forgotten them. But I do I know where The Vampire Diaries guys brunch.
  15. Alex, stop pretending like you don't know the names of the Vampire Diaries guys.
  16. It's Ian and Paul.
  17. Ok, zoom in, take a few more and leave poor Zac alone. He miraculously hasn't punched you yet.
  18. Hmmmm.
  19. Zac is getting a little burnt on his shoulders.
  20. He should reapply.
  21. Should I... Should I say something?
  22. Like, "hey Zac, I'm Alex, I take photos of you from afar from a living, and I noticed you were looking a little red."
  23. I can't do that.
  24. Oh man, the sun is really beating down.
  25. Zac is going to burn.
  26. He probably knows, right?
  27. Oh no, he grabbed his board. He's going out to surf.
  28. He's going to bake out there.
  29. Just go home, Alex. Leave Zac Efron alone. All you do is bother people all the time.
  30. Yes, but this could be my chance to do something good.
  31. Melanoma is no joke.
  32. And I'm pretty sure that mole on his back has grown since that photo I sold to US Weekly last June.
  33. Is that a weird thing to mention to him?
  34. I'm going to say something. It looks like a bad burn.
  35. I'm going to put down my camera and be a human being for once.
  36. Oh no.
  37. Brad and Angelina showed up with all the kids.
  38. There's no one else here. With those pics, I could take a month off and really focus on Cosmo-Knots, my space comedy.
  39. But Zac's shoulders, Alex.
  40. It's Brad and Angelina. Zac's sunburn will understand.
  41. Brad would be perfect for the droll but sassy alien cyborg Mantidor.
  42. Zac Efron once helped you up after the Teen Choice Awards when a stampede of paparazzi chased a Jenner.
  43. But Brad and Angie.
  44. Ah, I'm going in.
  45. I have no bathing suit.
  46. "Excuse me, Mr. Efron."
  47. Oh he is mad.
  48. "No, no, I just wanted to say-"
  49. Oh no, Brad Pitt has entered the situation.
  50. They've never met, but Brad thinks every celebrity deserves protection from creeps like me.
  51. That's weird they've never met, but I guess when would they?
  52. "No, agreed. I'm such a creep, but I've been taking photos of Zac all day and-"
  53. Angelina has entered the water and is yelling at me and it is scary.
  54. "Guys, I know. I hate myself too, but Zac's shoulders-"
  55. I'm being booed by the entire beach.
  56. "ZAC'S GETTING A LITTLE BURNT AND SHOULD REAPPLY."
  57. That quieted the boos.
  58. "And he should probably get the mole on his back checked out."
  59. Brad quietly agrees.
  60. Zac didn't even bring sunscreen because he normally tans.
  61. "I'll delete the photos I took today. I just wanted to do one good thing."
  62. "I'm sorry."
  63. Get out of here, Alex. Let people enjoy their day at the beach.
  64. What... what are the three of them doing?
  65. They are posing for me.
  66. Quick, Alex, take it.
  67. "Thank you."
  68. Walk away, and look at the photo.
  69. Brad has something in his teeth.
  70. I should say something.