The Thoughts of a Picture of a Gift that was Printed Because the Gift Didn't Arrive in Time

  1. Weeeeeeee! I am born!
  2. Thank you, office printer, for printing me. I love you.
  3. Merry Christmas, world! I cannot wait for the future!
  4. What am I? An amazing document? A waiver someone has to sign and scan so they can go on an adventure? A movie ticket someone nervously printed out because they don't trust e-tickets?
  5. Oh no.
  6. I'm a picture of an Amazon page of an ice cream maker.
  7. Oh God, no. Don't do this to me, printer. Don't force me to become a picture of a gift because the gift didn't come in time.
  8. A man in a tie just picked me up and sighed an audible, "well, here we go."
  9. THIS IS WHY YOU DONT TRUST THIRD PARTY STORES ON AMAZON, YOU STUPID, STUPID MAN.
  10. Now I'm the most disappointing piece of paper in history.
  11. Right up there with jury summons and pop quizzes.
  12. Hell, at least those pieces of paper have the opportunity of success.
  13. I can only let someone down.
  14. He stuffed me with a Christmas card.
  15. This poinsettia-printed jerk of a card is giving me all sorts of eyes because I'm not a gift card or straight cash.
  16. I'M SORRY, OK?! IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT THIS GUY FORGOT ABOUT THE REALITIES OF SHIPPING IN OUR INSTANT GRATIFICATION CULTURE.
  17. What did this man write inside the card?
  18. It says, "Rebecca, so don't have to leave your apartment when you want ice cream in the winter like the weirdo you are. I love you, Brian."
  19. Well, that's sweet.
  20. But there's a P.S.
  21. It reads "sorry I only have a picture of the ice cream maker. There was this whole problem where the makers didn't realize it was out of stock until a few days after I ordered it, so they tried to rush out one from a warehouse in Austria of all places, but I guess it got lost in a cargo bay somewhere, so at this point I've actually ordered the same
    gift three times, hoping just one would come. I even tried to have it shipped to my mom's place so it wouldn't have to deal with apartment numbers and whatnot, but that was a whole thing. I went to Williams and Sonoma, like actually went to the store, but I guess there's a list you have to be on if you want one of these things. Anyway, it'll come one day. I'm really sorry."
  22. NO, BRIAN, NO.
  23. NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT SHIPPING LOGISTICS WHEN THEY RECEIVE A PRESENT.
  24. I exist solely to let Rebecca know that Brian failed at Christmas.
  25. I am an anti-gift.
  26. This card is squeezing me all tight like I don't know I suck.
  27. I know that I suck.
  28. Where are we? A fancy dinner? Brian, you're going to give her a picture of a gift at a fancy dinner?
  29. It's not like I'm the promise of a cruise or a something. I'm a picture of an ice cream maker.
  30. You could just show her your phone. That's the same level of romance.
  31. Rebecca is prettier than I thought. Why is she with a man who prints out photos of gifts?
  32. Tear me up and dump him, Becs. Just don't blame me.
  33. I hate myself enough already.
  34. Rebecca wants to get gifts out of the way first.
  35. Brian says he really doesn't want to.
  36. Brian, no escaping this, buddy. You dug your own grave.
  37. AmazonPrime two day shipping is only available on certain items, you moron.
  38. He said, "I may as well get this out of the way."
  39. She noticed it's just an envelope.
  40. Opening an envelope is not fun. Bills come in envelopes.
  41. He's already stuttering, trying to explain himself.
  42. Look at me, Rebecca.
  43. Cast your eyes at a picture of a present.
  44. Brian didn't even spring for a color photo.
  45. I am a black and white photo of the Amazon page for an Ice Cream Maker that has four out of five stars.
  46. She's acting excited.
  47. But I bet it's all fake.
  48. Break up with him after New Years. Start 2017 right.
  49. So throw me in your purse and forget about me until you get a new purse because it's easier than just cleaning your current one.
  50. Maybe your next boyfriend will give you a purse.
  51. What'd she get him?
  52. Let me guess, a tangible object that came in time.
  53. It... looks like an envelope.
  54. It's probably hockey tickets. Brian probably loves hockey, that big dope.
  55. It's a printed picture of a book.
  56. Who the hell is this tacky couple?
  57. It's a photo of an eBay page for a first edition copy of the Great Gatsby, his favorite book.
  58. Are you a high school junior, Brian?
  59. He seems to really love it.
  60. He's now pointing out on me all the features Rebecca will love.
  61. And he just pulled out a bag of salt.
  62. WAY TO PUT SALT IN THE WOUND, BRIAN.
  63. It's so she can make her first batch of ice cream.
  64. She loves it.
  65. She's now explaining the minutia of her shipping problems with the book.
  66. And they are laughing and comparing USPS complaints.
  67. And now they are kissing.
  68. And the photo of the Great Gatsby is giving me all sorts of looks.
  69. I guess I don't suck. I guess I am desirable.
  70. Because it's Christmas, and we all tried.