The Thoughts of a Prison Guard Trying to Keep the Fries Fresh for a Death Row Inmate's Final Meal

  1. "Hello, I'd like a Big Mac, a McChicken, a 4-piece McNugget, and two orders of large fries."
  2. Double checking the list... and yep, that's what he said he wants.
  3. "Hahaha no, it's not all for me. It's for... someone else."
  4. It's for Michael James Logan's last meal, cashier woman. You may have heard of him.
  5. Michael wanted McDonald's, and I respect that. Most people want steak, but then they end up with prison steak. The power move is to ask for a specific restaurant. I'll never mind trying out to get someone their last meal, God bless their souls.
  6. Should I... get something for myself?
  7. Is that weird? If I order some food for myself while ordering someone else's last meal?
  8. Like just some nuggets to munch on on the ride back to prison?
  9. Don't do that, Willie. That's morbid.
  10. But what if I get hungry and absentmindedly pick at Michael's fries?
  11. Those are the last thing he will eat. I can't be picking at death row fries.
  12. "Ma'am, may I also have a cheeseburger happy meal?"
  13. A happy meal is like an adult snack. That's good for me.
  14. Now, I wait for the food.
  15. Michael's execution is at midnight. I have plenty of time.
  16. Well, unless the fries get gross.
  17. Oh.
  18. Oh no.
  19. The fries will probably get gross.
  20. It's a 10 minute drive to the prison, and then Michael has to get through processing. That could take forever.
  21. Should I have ordered the fries later?
  22. Michael can't be eating cold fries as his last meal. I won't even eat cold fries, and I have so many meals ahead of me.
  23. I wonder how many more meals I have.
  24. "Thank you, ma'am."
  25. Ok, go, Willie, go. Hurry.
  26. Damn it. Damn it. I should have thought of this.
  27. Does blasting the heat help? No, right?
  28. I HAVE A LEFTOVER BURRITO WRAPPER ON THE FLOOR OF THE PASSENGER SEAT! I CAN TIN FOIL THE FRIES!
  29. Wait, tin foil makes fries soggy, right? Because it traps the heat and then the fries get all mushy?
  30. God, what's worse? Cold fries or mushy fries?
  31. Think, Willie, think. If you were dying at midnight, would you want cold fries or soggy fries?
  32. I'd want crispy fries. And also, I would want not to die.
  33. Just hurry, hurry.
  34. STOP EATING YOUR HAPPY MEAL AND FOCUS ON THE DRIVE TO DEATH ROW, WILLIE.
  35. Try a fry.
  36. Still hot. Still crispy. We are ok.
  37. Michael was so happy describing these fries.
  38. He ordered TWO large fries.
  39. He wants fries, damn it.
  40. I'M A PRISON GUARD, SO I'M GOING TO RUN THIS RED LIGHT.
  41. Come on. Come on.
  42. Try another fry.
  43. They are losing their luster.
  44. JUST PARK IN FRONT OF THE GATE AND RUN IN.
  45. "PHIL, PUT DOWN YOUR GUN. IT'S ME, WILLIE. LET ME IN."
  46. Phil is a touchy prison guard.
  47. "I HAVE MICHAEL'S LAST MEAL, PHIL, AND THE FRIES ARE GETTING GROSS."
  48. Phil flung open the gate and gave me a "why didn't you say so?"
  49. Ok, sprint through the halls. Sprint.
  50. "EVERYONE RELAX. THIS IS NOT TECHNICALLY AN EMERGENCY."
  51. Prisoners see one guard running, and everyone assumes there's been a shiving.
  52. Sometimes running is just faster, guys.
  53. Try a fry.
  54. UGH, THEY ARE BARELY ACCEPTABLE.
  55. Ok, I'm in the processing room.
  56. "WHERE'S MICHAEL?"
  57. "HE CAN MEET WITH THE CHAPLAIN AFTER. HIS FRIES ARE GETTING COLD."
  58. If John and Darrell don't get Michael in here quickly, I'm going to lose my mind.
  59. I'm going to put the fries by the radiator.
  60. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Michael wanted one last thing, and I can't even deliver.
  61. Maybe I could call the governor and get him to pardon Michael?
  62. Willie, the governor won't pardon a prisoner because his fries are gross.
  63. Maybe I could try to prove his innocence?
  64. Willie, that's insane. It's 10:30pm. You can't find evidence in an hour and a half.
  65. Also, Michael confessed to killing his brothers.
  66. Darrell just called. Apparently Michael was held up talking to the warden.
  67. I've never even met the warden.
  68. Try another fry.
  69. Pick a small one. Don't take one of Michael's good fries.
  70. It's cold.
  71. The fries are cold.
  72. The fry window has closed.
  73. I failed him. It's too late.
  74. Oh, great.
  75. He's here.
  76. "Um, I did my best, bud, but the fries... the fries are gross.
  77. He just tried one.
  78. He said they are disgusting, and then he asked who's happy meal this was.
  79. "Um, it's mine."
  80. Great, Willie. You made his death row last meal about you.
  81. Wait...
  82. "Sure I'll eat with you."
  83. Michael likes to take the pickles off his Big Mac and eat them first. He says he doesn't know why he does that.
  84. "You know, I got extra dipping sauces, so the fries are mostly just, like, ways to eat the sauce."
  85. He agrees that the buffalo sauce is better than the ranch. They didn't have those when he was out.
  86. We are eating cold fries together.
  87. "Lets see what toy I got."
  88. It's a little robot from some Disney Channel show I've never heard of. When you wind it up, it does a little flip.
  89. Michael is very amused by the flipping robot.
  90. "Do you... do you want it?"
  91. He smiled and said he would borrow it for an hour.
  92. Our meal is over. This is it.
  93. Michael said thank you for the robot, and next time maybe the fries will be good.
  94. He's leaving.
  95. "WAIT MICHAEL..."
  96. "There's some fries on the bottom of the bag."
  97. Its crazy that bottom-of-the-bag fries taste better than the rest, even though they are always the coldest.