The Thoughts of a Sweater at an Ugly Sweater Party

  1. What...
  2. What kind of party did they say this was?
  3. An ugly sweater party?
  4. That's, uh, that's incredibly mean.
  5. Am I... ugly?
  6. When Paul saw me at Buffalo Exchange, he said I was "perfect."
  7. That made me feel real good.
  8. What is so ugly about a knit scene of snowmen dancing?
  9. Stand up for me, Paul.
  10. You said you loved me.
  11. That girl just said, "great ugly sweater" to Paul.
  12. And he said thanks.
  13. Wow.
  14. I am incredibly hurt.
  15. But, all of these sweaters here are beautiful. They have so many colors and Christmas cheer.
  16. All of these sweaters are crying.
  17. We are all apparently hideous.
  18. That dude Greg just said "that is one ugly sweater."
  19. NO, YOU'RE UGLY, GREG.
  20. Oh no. They are having an ugliest sweater contest.
  21. Please, please don't let me win.
  22. That cool pink reindeer sweater won third place.
  23. I think you are beautiful.
  24. A light-up sweater just got second.
  25. I thought it was really cool.
  26. But apparently it's ugly.
  27. Please let Greg's boring red sweater win.
  28. That's what I think is ugly.
  29. It doesn't even have any snowflakes.
  30. I won.
  31. I am the ugliest sweater at this party.
  32. Don't... look... at me, everyone.
  33. Avert your eyes.
  34. I'm so goddamn ugly they gave Paul a $20 Applebee's gift card.
  35. I'm... so sorry for being so unattractive.
  36. It's the fact that the snowman sort of pop out of me, giving me a 3D effect, right? Or the multicolor yarn sleeves?
  37. Bury me in a closet, please.
  38. Just stop calling me ugly to my face.
  39. I get it.
  40. Paul, throw me off this balcony.
  41. Greg's plain red sweater is gorgeous.
  42. Oh what does this girl have to say? "I like your sweatshirt." I bet you do, honey.
  43. Paul said thank you and that he loves me.
  44. Then why do you insult me so?
  45. I don't understand this.
  46. Paul said I put him in the Christmas mood when nothing else can.
  47. And that he likes the happy looks strangers give him when he wears me.
  48. Huh.
  49. Why does Paul want to be ugly?
  50. Maybe...
  51. Maybe when humans say "ugly" or "tacky," they are just couching their language.
  52. Because it's hard to be earnest.
  53. And people need a buffer of irony to help them be festive.
  54. And I think that's ok.
  55. Because, irony or not, everyone is still here together, wearing these sweaters that they really like and celebrating Christmas.
  56. Merry Christmas, Paul. I love you too.