The Thoughts of a Ventriloquist Whose Dummy's Mouth Stopped Working Mid-Show

  1. "Hello, everyone, say hello to Yappy Yohnny!"
  2. Look at everyone, preparing to hate this.
  3. Ventriloquism is impressive, and I will win everyone at this work retreat over.
  4. "Yello everyone, sorry if I'm cranky, but you'd be cranky too if you had someone's hand shoved up your ass!"
  5. Yeah, that's right. I'm Doug, and I'm an edgy ventriloquist.
  6. "Yappy! Language, buddy. This is a big work event and we're the entertainment for hundreds of people!"
  7. "Yikes, they booked us? They couldn't afford a magician? Everyone, your paychecks are lower because your work hired this dummy... and his puppet!"
  8. Huge laughs. I have won them over with my ribald ventriloquism and the fact that throwing your voice is genuinely impressive.
  9. "Yappy, they've been at a work conference all day. Please entertain them."
  10. "Yo-Kay. Let's just put on a movie. You guys like Titanic? You seem to enjoy watching disas-"
  11. The string broke.
  12. I can't move Yappy's mouth.
  13. Oh man, that's kind of the whole point of what I do.
  14. Um....
  15. Ok, think, Doug, think. What is the solution?
  16. I mean, there isn't one. I need his mouth to move and the string snapped.
  17. I'm a ventriloquist without a dummy.
  18. So I'm just a guy.
  19. I guess I try to tell some of the same jokes?
  20. "Hey Yappy, have you tried the hotel food?"
  21. Oh yeah, all of my jokes rely on Yappy answering me.
  22. "Um... Yappy can't try the hotel food because he is a dummy and doesn't need to eat, and boy is he relieved because he has heard the hotel food is not good."
  23. Silence. That joke only works when Yappy tells it.
  24. Goddamn it, Yappy. Work.
  25. Stop talking to the doll, Doug. You are Yappy. Do not forget it.
  26. "Yappy, what's wrong? You seem real tight-lipped?"
  27. Yeah, just keep making muffled sounds, like Yappy is refusing to talk.
  28. "Yappy, I need you to talk. It's a ventriloquism show."
  29. Shake Yappy's head.
  30. Some laughs.
  31. "Yappy, this is only impressive if you talk to me.
  32. Shake his head violently. That's right.
  33. I guess I just do silent comedy with the ventriloquist dummy.
  34. "Yappy, if you don't talk, I'm going to throw you across the room!"
  35. Throw the doll.
  36. Why did that get gasps?
  37. "Guys, Yappy isn't real. I didn't hurt him."
  38. A woman in the front just yelled, "Yappy, are you ok?"
  39. "Yappy is fine. Look, he's up and moving!"
  40. The crowd is chanting that they want to hear from Yappy himself.
  41. They think this is the show.
  42. "Um, Yappy, I'm sorry. What's this? YAPPY FELL ASLEEP!"
  43. Doug, you are floundering.
  44. Everyone is booing and wants Yappy to wake up.
  45. A ventriloquist can only get so far being withholding.
  46. "Hey, while Yappy takes a quick nap, watch me drink this class of water as a mysterious disembodied voice sings Happy Birthday.... Happy birthday to you-"
  47. This is so much more impressive with a puppet
  48. Without a puppet it's just confusing.
  49. Who is the voice coming from?
  50. "Happy Birthday dear Ken from the Hagerstown Marketing branch! Happy birthday to you!"
  51. I need a puppet, and I need one fast.
  52. You have two socks. Socks are the original puppets.
  53. I can't use my socks. I'm a professional ventriloquist.
  54. "Let's relax and take off our shoes. Oh my God! I'm stepping on two of my puppets!"
  55. Vamp, Doug. Kill some time as I take the socks off my feet and put them on my hands.
  56. "So are you all enjoying this Marriott? Oh, you want me to do some ventriloquism? That makes sense."
  57. I wonder if anyone has any googly eyes for the sock puppets.
  58. Why would anyone at a work conference have googly eyes?
  59. "Well, look, everyone it's a visit from Mr. Adidas and Mr. Nike!"
  60. Thank God I'm wearing mismatched socks.
  61. "Adidas is better!"
  62. "No, Nike is better!"
  63. "Guys, get along! At least you're better than shoes!"
  64. "BOOO! We hate shoes! They are prisons!"
  65. The crowd is confused.
  66. They started a "wake up Yappy" chant.
  67. "Yappy needs his rest. Isn't that right, Mr. Nike?"
  68. People are throwing complimentary muffins at the stage.
  69. "Yappy died when I threw him across the stage, ok? Yappy is dead."
  70. Yappy's going to kill me for this.
  71. Yappy's not real, Doug.
  72. Oh yeah.
  73. "Yappy's not real! He's a puppet! He doesn't talk. I do!"
  74. Ow, muffin to the face.
  75. "Mr. Adidas, what do you think of President Trump?"
  76. " I think Trump is a bigger dummy than me!"
  77. That joke does not work with a sock puppet.
  78. I'm starting to realize most of my jokes are plays on the word "dummy."
  79. Everyone is chanting "Yappy! Yappy!"
  80. Goddamn Marriott and their relatively cheap bar.
  81. Everyone is yelling at me, and I am trying my best.
  82. "I broke Yappy, ok?! Is that what you want to hear? Look! Look! His mouth won't move! He's broken, so I'm basically broken."
  83. Don't cry, Doug.
  84. "I'm nothing, ok? I'm nothing without my friend Yappy. And I flew all the way to Tampa for this and my doll fixer lives back home in Columbus so I don't have my friend for days."
  85. Pretend Mr. Adidas is the one crying.
  86. "Waaaahh. I'll never be as popular as Nike!"
  87. Leave. Get off the stage.
  88. "That's my time. Thank you."
  89. I forgot my shoes.
  90. Leave them. Get out of Tampa.