The Thoughts of a Water Park Employee Being Screamed At Because the Lazy River Stopped Moving

  1. This is soul-crushingly boring.
  2. Guarding a lazy river is like being asked to babysit a screensaver.
  3. "Stay in your tube."
  4. That's my only purpose: to blow my whistle and tell preteens to stay in their tubes.
  5. Every person floating by is a reminder that even they are going somewhere, and I am stuck. Stuck in this guard chair.
  6. Getting a summer job immediately after college is just delaying your job search, Allison.
  7. God, it's like time is slowing down, and the river isn't even moving.
  8. Oh, people are yelling.
  9. The lazy river actually is not moving.
  10. It's become too lazy.
  11. Everyone in my section of the river is screaming at me.
  12. What do I do?
  13. Has this ever happened before?
  14. The river just stopped moving, much unlike a real river.
  15. How do they expect me to know anything about this? Obviously something mechanical is a broken, and I am a girl in a lifeguard chair.
  16. "Um, it's now a ring-shaped pool. Enjoy free swim."
  17. Where the hell is Brett?
  18. Ask the walkie-talkie.
  19. "Hey, anyone have eyes on Brett? The lazy river stopped moving."
  20. "I know it's not supposed to do that, that's why I asked."
  21. Evan says Brett is out at lunch on the boardwalk with that Russian chick he says he's dating.
  22. Now Rachel is yelling at Evan to shut up in case Brett is still on the walkie.
  23. Evan says the walkie doesn't have enough range, and Rachel needs to stop being a wet blanket.
  24. Oh God. I'm the most senior person here.
  25. I'm in charge of solving this lazy river problem.
  26. Why is this happening to me.
  27. "Ok, all hands to the lazy river."
  28. "No, Jose, do not abandon the slide. We can't have people going down twosies or threesies."
  29. Children in the lazy river are crying, yelling "we are trapped! We are trapped!"
  30. "You are not trapped! You can swim to one of the exits!"
  31. All that happened is the river stopped moving for them.
  32. "ATTENTION: You can move yourself. You do not need to depend on the power of the current."
  33. Hurry, Allison, run to the control shed.
  34. Everyone is paddling in their tubes.
  35. "Attention everyone: I know normally you cannot leave the tubes in the lazy river, but I am allowing an exception."
  36. Oh god, it's chaos. Tubes are flying everywhere.
  37. "THE LAZY RIVER IS SHALLOW ENOUGH FOR YOU ALL TO WALK."
  38. Why is everyone panic swimming?
  39. All that happened is the lazy river turned into a lazy pool.
  40. "EVERYONE NEEDS TO CALM DOWN. IT'S NOT LIKE THERE IS A SHARK OR-"
  41. Oh, Allison, no.
  42. You can't yell "shark" at a water park.
  43. Even though we are about a mile away from the ocean and completely fenced in, people are idiots.
  44. And now everyone in the lazy river is screaming "shark!" and climbing over each other to leave.
  45. "THERE IS NO SHARK IN THE LAZY RIVER."
  46. Evan just asked on walkie if we had any harpoons.
  47. Goddamn high schoolers.
  48. "Evan, there is no shark. The lazy river is a self-contained circle."
  49. You wanted this Allison. You wanted one more summer at the beach.
  50. Grow up. You're too old for this shit.
  51. Ok, in this shed there's just a bunch of levers.
  52. I'm just going to turn everything off and then on?
  53. No, Allison, you'll turn off the slides, and kids will get stuck.
  54. Is a few stuck kids worth an entire panicking lazy river?
  55. This is a call I never thought I'd have to make.
  56. "Jose, I'm turning it all off."
  57. Do it.
  58. Ok, just heard a lot of screams from outside. That's not good.
  59. Turn it on. Turn it on.
  60. SPRINT, ALLISON. See if the lazy river is fixed.
  61. It's still not moving.
  62. People are trudging through it like they are in the trenches.
  63. I just got yelled at by a crying woman to "do something for God's sakes."
  64. "I'M NOT A LAZY RIVER TECHNICIAN. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY HOW IT WORKS."
  65. How DOES a lazy river work?
  66. Just take off your Splashtown polo and leave, Allison.
  67. No. No. I need to grapple a situation head on. I need to just deal with a problem in front of me.
  68. I'm going in the lazy river.
  69. "Everyone I'm going off walkie. I'm going to fix the river."
  70. Just got a very casual "whatever Ally" from Rachel.
  71. Oh God, it smells weird.
  72. Ok, so there should be, like, a series of vents.
  73. Swim faster, Allison. I just heard someone say something about calling the Coast Guard.
  74. OH GOD, SOMEONE SAW A SHARK.
  75. THERE'S NO SHARK, ALLY. YOU STARTED THAT RUMOR.
  76. Keep swimming. Avoid band-aids and teenagers making out under the waterfall.
  77. The vents!
  78. Some jokers shoved some tubes in them and clogged them all up.
  79. I'm going to unclog the vents, and the force of the water may kill me.
  80. Allison, it's a lazy river. It's not going to-
  81. HOLY SHIT BLURGSADFEAHAJRRRRV
  82. GRAB A TUBE! GET IN A GODDAMN TUBE. THE BACKED UP WATER IS MAKING THIS RIVER EXTREMELY NOT LAZY.
  83. "EVERYONE, TUBE RULES ARE BACK IN EFFECT."
  84. Hahahaha I did it! I fixed the lazy river!
  85. Oh... God. That's the first time I've felt a sense of accomplishment in months.
  86. That's not good.
  87. I need to do something. I need to chase that feeling.
  88. I need to apply myself.
  89. What's Jose screaming about?
  90. Ah, of course, a family of four has been stuck in the AquaZone slide for ten minutes.
  91. I need to apply myself in a non-Water Park-related way.