The Thoughts of A Woman at PetSmart Going Out of Her Way to Make It Clear She Came In With a Dog

  1. I like these collars.
  2. What about you, Chauncey? You like any of these collars?
  3. Oh, Chauncey is distracted by the dogs in the pens.
  4. Aw, look there's a bunch of French Bulldogs that look exactly like Chauncey!
  5. Wait.
  6. What if the PetSmart people think I'm buying Chauncey?
  7. How do I make it clear that I came in with a dog?
  8. There was no sticker I could put on him to be like "already purchased."
  9. Oh man, now when we leave, people may think "that woman is stealing that dog."
  10. That's ridiculous, Becca. No one steals dogs.
  11. Cruella De Vil did, famously.
  12. Why did Cruella De Vil, such a seemingly rich person, need to steal so many dogs?
  13. If she had cut back on a few of those really long cigarettes and she could have bought some Dalmatians.
  14. "Hey Chauncey! Sit!"
  15. Chauncey isn't sitting. Damn it, Chauncey, sit or else they are going to think I didn't come in with you.
  16. "Great, Chauncey, stand!"
  17. Now he sits.
  18. Becca, just grab the second cheapest dog food and get to the counter.
  19. People come in with their dogs all the time. Stop creating a problem.
  20. This is all because of the time I went to Lids wearing a hat.
  21. To be fair, how could the security guard have known?
  22. I got three free hats to make up for the five-hour detainment in mall jail.
  23. "Hello, yes, this is my dog Chauncey. I love him very much and know a lot of specific details about him. For example, he has a spot on his back right foot and he loves watching hockey for some reason."
  24. Stop randomly yelling at employees. You're overdoing it.
  25. Got the food. Get to the counter. Act casual. Wait in like like a normal person.
  26. "This is my dog for the past three years by the way. I got him with my ex-boyfriend, and I thought it would be a big 'who gets the dog' thing when we broke up, but he didn't even want him, which, yes, was a relief, but also, how dare he not want Chauncey? His sister still asks for Chauncey pics, which is kinda awkward but whatever."
  27. Becca, stop. No one is accusing you of stealing the dog.
  28. "Hey Chauncey, want one of these toys?"
  29. Chauncey is really tugging at the leash to get back to the other dogs.
  30. It looks like he hates me.
  31. Oh God, he's barking.
  32. "Chaunce, buddy, stop it. Shhhhh. Stop it."
  33. Be nice to Chauncey, Becca, or everyone will think you are trying to pull a fast one.
  34. Don't tug on the leash so much as gently push it in the proper direction.
  35. "Hi yes, just the food please. Not the dog. He's my dog. I came in with him."
  36. Becca, stop giving all the PetSmart employees that thought.
  37. "Chauncey, please be quiet or they will think I'm shoplifting you. QUIET, CHAUNCEY. I WANT TO MAKE SURE I GET TO KEEP YOU."
  38. Tina, the cashier, is calling her manager.
  39. They think I'm the Cruella De Vil of French Bulldogs.
  40. A fur coat made up of dead French Bulldogs wouldn't even be pretty.
  41. Do not say that out loud, Becca.
  42. Oh God, here comes the manager. I made this a thing.
  43. He's younger than me. Do I call him Sir? Sure, right? Or will that come off as condescending?
  44. Stop overthinking everything. The only reason people think you are stealing your own dog is because you overthink everything.
  45. "Hi sir, what seems to be the problem?"
  46. "Suspicious behavior? I don't know what you are talking about."
  47. He just sent Tina to go count the dogs.
  48. "Yeah I'm sorry, I just tried to make it clear that I came in already having a dog, and I think that in doing so, I may have caused others to think that I was overcompensating for not coming in with a dog."
  49. He said it's not a problem and that it is procedure to do a quick dog inventory check for safety.
  50. God damnit, Chauncey, shut up.
  51. No wonder Jeff didn't want you.
  52. I don't mean that, Chaunce. I love you more than anything and will start you your own Instagram to make up for this, you cute little grandpa pup.
  53. Tina is back and said that all of the dogs are accounted for.
  54. "HA! TOLD YOU! I'M JUST A WEIRDO! GOOD DAY."
  55. Now get out, Becca.
  56. WHY ARE THE SIRENS GOING OFF?
  57. Oh, I didn't pay for the food yet.
  58. Goddamn it, here comes Emmett from Mall Security.
  59. "Hey Emmett."