The Thoughts of a Woman Who Blamed the Printer for Her Mistake, as the Printer is Thrown Away

  1. What are these documents at the bottom of my report?
  2. Oh, you know what?
  3. I accidentally picked up someone else's print job in addition to my own.
  4. Whoops.
  5. Well, I guess I just throw these away.
  6. La la la la la.
  7. I wonder what I should have for dinner tonight?
  8. Ugh, what does Mark want?
  9. "Oh sorry, Mark. Did I take your files from the printer? No. It must have been a printer problem. Just print them again."
  10. Why did you lie, Jess?
  11. You could have explained that you accidentally picked them up and then you didn't know who they belonged to, so you threw them out.
  12. Yeah, but then Mark would be like "why not just the files back on the printer?" and I'd have to explain that I just plugged my headphones into my computer so if I went back to the printer, I'd have to take my headphones off, so it's probably just easier for him to print again.
  13. It's office money. And I send enough emails to offset the environmental impact.
  14. "Sorry man. It was being weird for me too. I'd just print it again."
  15. I really should make food tonight.
  16. There's no way I'm going to make food tonight.
  17. Wait, who is that guy with Mark?
  18. Is that the tech guy?
  19. What is he doing to the printer?
  20. "Hey Mark, what are you doing to the printer?"
  21. They are throwing the printer away. Mark says this is the last straw.
  22. "Um, you should just try to print again. You know printers; they sometimes don't work. You just have to bother them."
  23. Mark insists the printer was given enough chances.
  24. Jesus, Jess.
  25. Your lies killed the printer.
  26. Oh well?
  27. I'm going to get Thai food tonight, unless that taco truck is nearby, but in that case I'd need cash because they don't accept credit.
  28. I don't like how some food trucks have a schedule and some just go wherever they want. I get that their mobility is what separates them from restaurants, but I want to know if I can depend on dinner tonight.
  29. Why do I feel bad about the printer?
  30. It's not a living thing with thoughts and feelings.
  31. Yeah, but I can't let it take the rap for me.
  32. Why not? It's a printer.
  33. Yeah, but it's a printer that I know.
  34. It's an inanimate object, Jess. It never scans to the right place.
  35. But I see it every day. I can't just betray it like this.
  36. Of course you can. Come clean.
  37. Jess, shut up. Mark will think it's so weird you lied about the printer earlier, and he will absolutely tell Rebecca, and you will be fired.
  38. Am I bad person if I let them throw away the printer?
  39. NO. Absolutely not.
  40. Microsoft can afford a new printer.
  41. They are wheeling it away.
  42. "Hey Mark."
  43. I have to save it.
  44. THERE'S NOTHING TO SAVE. IT'S A PRINTER.
  45. "Um, I was just.... wondering when Office Secret Santa started."
  46. "Oh, around Christmas? Cool."
  47. Jess, just keep stapling your reports and let the printer be wheeled to its death.
  48. This feels so wrong.
  49. "TRY ONE LAST JOB."
  50. That startled the entire office.
  51. "Um, just give the printer one last chance."
  52. Mark says no. It's time for the printer to go.
  53. I'm a villain. I'm a bad person. My lies have condemned this printer, which I understand is not a person with feelings, but it's still a thing on Earth that we should be good towards.
  54. I think?
  55. I'm like 90% I should feel bad for this printer, but I'm not sure why.
  56. I've done so much meaner things to people.
  57. Is all of my guilt manifesting itself in an HP OfficeJet 7500?
  58. Run to the elevator.
  59. "Mark, I have a confession."
  60. Oh no, Rebecca is here. Oh, and Mr. Pierson.
  61. I can't do it. Let the printer die.
  62. I can't. It's staring at me like, "how could you?"
  63. NO, IT'S NOT. PRINTERS DON'T HAVE SLOTS THAT LOOK LIKE EYES.
  64. "Um, I..."
  65. Do it. Confess. Save Printy.
  66. "I accidentally picked up your print job and threw it away. The printer printed it. He, I mean, It did nothing wrong. Keep it."
  67. Stunned silence from entire payroll floor at Microsoft's East Coast Headquarters.
  68. Now everyone knows I'm a liar who lets a printer fight her own battles.
  69. Mark says they were going to throw away the printer anyway. That's why they already have a backup ready.
  70. Oh.
  71. Now I just look like an insane person.
  72. And the printer is just a dumb printer.
  73. I really should make food tonight.