The Thoughts of an Auctioneer who Is Genuinely Asking if He Heard $200

  1. Did someone just bid $200?
  2. "Did I hear $200?"
  3. They think that's auctioneer talk.
  4. "No I'm genuinely asking. Did I hear $200?"
  5. Move on. Someone just bid $250.
  6. "I heard $250. Do I hear $300?"
  7. I think I heard $300.
  8. But it was kind of muffled.
  9. "Did I hear $300?"
  10. Everyone needs to speak up.
  11. "Did I hear $300?"
  12. Someone bid $350.
  13. "Ok,I definitely heard $350. Do I hear $400?"
  14. I don't think I hear $400.
  15. I hear muttering.
  16. "Speak up, guys. I have a microphone but you don't so it's important that you yell when you bid."
  17. "So do I hear $400?"
  18. Someone just bid $500. So I think I did hear someone bid $400 earlier.
  19. "Guys, I know you all can hear each other because you're down in the seats next to each other, but I'm up here on the stage and the acoustics are such that I cannot hear you when others-"
  20. I just heard $650. I think they are all bidding without me.
  21. I should get down there so I can hear?
  22. How far does this mic cord go?
  23. Not far.
  24. "Do I hear $800?"
  25. Someone just responded with an agitated "we're up to a $1000."
  26. "Do I hear $1100?"
  27. I don't think I hear $1100.
  28. "Do I hear $1050?"
  29. Again, I cannot be sure if I hear that.
  30. "Going once for $1000, going twice? Wait, what's that? Someone did bid $1050? Ok, well as I've made clear, I'm having a hard time hearing you."
  31. Grant, maybe the board is right. You've gotten too old for this.
  32. It's time to hang up the microphone.
  33. You can talk fast sure, but you can't hear worth a damn.
  34. No.
  35. People aren't speaking up.
  36. "Did I hear $2000?"
  37. I'm just making up numbers now.
  38. I've inspired a panic. Someone just bid $2500.
  39. "Now I just heard $2500 because whoever bid enunciated clearly. Do I hear $3000?"
  40. This is way too much money for a Beanie Baby.
  41. It's not even one of the original ones.
  42. It's one of the newer ones with the big eyes.
  43. "Do I hear $3000? I do? Sir, don't just nod. Did you bid $3000? I need a verbal commitment. I can't hear whatever you're mouthing. The stage is too far away. Yes, ok. Going once, going twice, sold for $3000."
  44. I can't goddamn hear anything.
  45. But I did just sell a stuffed animal with a retail value of $12 for $3k.
  46. So the board can take away my microphone from my cold, dead hands.
  47. "Next up we have an old chair. Let's start the bidding at $10,000."