The Thoughts of an Ice Cream Man When a Little Girl Asks What She Can Get With "This Many Cents"

  1. No.
  2. Not today.
  3. Just because I am an ice cream salesman, that does not mean I have to teach children how money works.
  4. I'm trying to run a business here.
  5. Just help her quickly, Geno. There's a line.
  6. "Ok, let me count it."
  7. You should really teach her the differences between nickels and dimes.
  8. NO.
  9. I pay taxes. I'm paying for her schooling.
  10. "Ok, you have two dollars and 16 cents. You can get anything under $2."
  11. No chipwhichs for you, missy.
  12. Why is she meekly pointing to the Choco Taco?
  13. "No, see, the Choco Taco is $2.50. You have $2.16. That's not enough."
  14. I need to hit other neighborhoods before it gets dark.
  15. "You can get any of the ones over here. Like the SpongeBob one. You want SpongeBob? SpongeBob is fun, right?"
  16. Why do all little girls suddenly get quiet and begin slowly twisting on one foot whenever you ask a question?
  17. "Hey does this little girl belong to anyone?"
  18. The older kids are getting antsy.
  19. "Ok, while you figure out what you want, I'm going to move on to the other kids."
  20. Oh, no. Don't get all high and mighty, older kid behind her trying to impress preteen girls. You will not wait while she decides.
  21. "Just tell me what you want."
  22. Geno, turn off the goddamn Scott Joplin.
  23. When you get frustrated, "The Entertainer" makes things worse.
  24. The little preteen bastard is insisting on waiting for the cute little girl.
  25. Oh God, and now the gaggle of preteens is trying to help the little girl.
  26. There is nothing worse than preteens trying to act like adults to little kids.
  27. "How about an ice cream sandwich? Or a Nutty Buddy? Or a Firecracker?"
  28. Everything I am saying is bouncing off this child's blank, clueless face.
  29. Why do I do this? I don't like children.
  30. I knew a guy selling an ice cream truck, and I bought it.
  31. What did you think was going to happen when you bought that ice cream truck, Geno? You became an ice cream man, that's what.
  32. The little girl just once again said "I have this many cents."
  33. "No, I know. That's $2.16. You can get anything under two dollars. That's most of the simple Popsicles. Anything too complex is over $2.50."
  34. She fucking pointed to the Choco Taco again.
  35. "No. That cost more than $2.16."
  36. She asks what it "cost-es."
  37. "As I said before, it 'cost-es' $2.50."
  38. Don't mock the little girl for not knowing words, Geno.
  39. The preteens have lost interest in the cute little girl and are leaving.
  40. This child is losing me money.
  41. She pointed to a Flintstones Push-pop!
  42. "PERFECT! That's $1. That means you have $1 left to get something else."
  43. Geno, you stupid moron.
  44. You should not have let her know she can get two things.
  45. She pointed to the Choco Taco again.
  46. "No. You can get candy. Or four airheads."
  47. Don't mention Air Heads. Air Heads are only for children who understand quarters.
  48. "Ok, we have Reese's for a dollar. Or a Snickers. Not the Snickers Ice Cream Bar, that's $2. If you get that, you can't get the Pushpop. But if you get the Pushpop, you can get a candy bar. Or two Ringpops. Or two Air Heads and a Ringpop. If you want the ice cream sandwich, you can only get one Ringpop or two Air Heads, but that means no Pushpop."
  49. I always do this. I always say I'm not going to explain the entire menu and all possible options, but then I do it. Every time.
  50. Just make a decision for her.
  51. You can literally charge her whatever you want. She will not know.
  52. She is a dumb little girl.
  53. She's not dumb, Geno. She just hasn't learned yet.
  54. Yeah, which means she's dumb.
  55. She's pointing to Hello Kitty one with the gum-ball eyes.
  56. "Ok, you can get that and also the Push-pop, but that's two ice cream things. One will melt."
  57. Geno, let her buy it. You have to pay rent.
  58. I'm not going to even make back the gas I'm using to idle.
  59. She's insisting on pointing to Hello Kitty and the Flintstones Push-Pop.
  60. Just let her do it. Let her buy two things even though one will melt.
  61. GODDAMN IT. SHUT UP, JOPLIN. I AM TRYING TO THINK.
  62. "I'm sorry. I just... that doesn't make any sense. It'll melt and you won't be able to enjoy the second one."
  63. She's crying. Why is she crying?
  64. Don't do it, Geno. Don't you dare do it.
  65. "Here, here's a Choco Taco."
  66. GENO, THAT'S $0.34 YOU'LL NEVER GET BACK.
  67. She's... dancing.
  68. She's dancing with the Choco Taco.
  69. Oh come on, that's cute.
  70. You did a good thing today, Geno.
  71. What does she want now?
  72. "No, you get no change back."
  73. She's crying again.
  74. Drive away. Drive away before people think you attacked her.
  75. And turn off "The Entertainer" so no one can follow you.