The Thoughts of an Intern Whose Not Sure if She's Supposed to Actually "Toss" Her Boss a La Croix

  1. "Want anything from the refrigerator?"
  2. Call it a fridge like a normal person, Amy.
  3. Oh god damn it.
  4. He said "toss me a La Croix."
  5. Do I...
  6. Do I actually throw it at him?
  7. Or just walk it across the kitchen?
  8. This sucks so much. This is the worst thing to ever happen.
  9. I'm going to look like an idiot no matter what I do.
  10. I think I have to throw a can at him, don't I?
  11. "What flavor do you want, Mr. Crenshaw?"
  12. Please, call him Evan, he insists.
  13. I will never call him Evan.
  14. I am an intern at his marketing agency. This is the first time we've ever talked, and he asked me to "toss him a La Croix."
  15. He wants whatever flavor I want.
  16. This is such bullshit. Now I have to decide what flavor he wants.
  17. Stop being a cool boss and tell me explicitly what to do.
  18. Plain is fine, right? Maybe Cran-raspberry? Cran-raspberry is a thing people like, right?
  19. Lime? Picking Lime makes me look like a child, right?
  20. Like a goddamn Capri Sun after soccer practice.
  21. Amy, don't you dare give him Lime or Lemon La Croix.
  22. Apricot sounds suitably gross.
  23. What the hell is Pamplemousse? Is that a flavor? Am I an idiot for not knowing Pamplemousse?
  24. I'm just going to go with Peach Pear. That seems like something the CEO of a hip marketing agency would like.
  25. Do I throw this can at him?
  26. He said "toss," but that could be a colloquialism. Like "toss me the expense reports."
  27. Is that a thing people say?
  28. Like "hey toss me some information when you get a chance."
  29. I knew I shouldn't have gone into the kitchen. The kitchen is scary. Real-life working grown-ups go to the kitchen, not childish interns like me.
  30. Stick to the shared intern desk, Amy. It's safe there. We have an adult coloring book.
  31. I'm the worst. I've been pretending to fumble around a refrigerator for two minutes.
  32. Call it a fridge, Amy.
  33. If I walk this La Croix across the kitchen, it looks like I'm not cool enough to throw.
  34. I look like a real nerd if I hand him the La Croix.
  35. Like some sort of pencil pusher by-the-book La Croix distributor.
  36. Instead of the free-wheeling La Croix frisbee gal I guess I should be.
  37. If I toss it to him, so many things could go wrong.
  38. I will miss.
  39. I will miss and Peach Pear La Croix will spray the restored hardwood floors of the company kitchen.
  40. This is all his fault. He had to be all cool and say "toss," as if that will make me like him.
  41. Like, wear a tie. You're a millionaire in your fifties.
  42. This is a ten-yard throw.
  43. That's a first down.
  44. You have to make a decision, Amy.
  45. This is why you're an unpaid intern, Amy. You could have casually tossed him a La Croix minutes ago and moved on to some really fun innovative marketing insights that would make him be like "woah, you're a cool chick. Let me pay your student loans."
  46. He just put his hands up to catch.
  47. Oh look how casual this is for him. Like "Hey, I'm a fun boss, just catching a tossed La Croix in the break room."
  48. Instead I'm a coward who may hit the ceiling with a La Croix.
  49. God, I hate him for putting me in this situation.
  50. Your flatbrim is a lie, sir. You probably don't even like the New York Rangers.
  51. Do I underhand this? I think you underhand cans, right?
  52. No, only girls underhand. That's a stereotype I need to break.
  53. Don't overhand this La Croix, Amy. You can't pitch a can.
  54. Think of every beer commercial you've ever seen, Amy. I think the guys always throw underhand. Just imagine one of those commercials in your head. How do cool people throw cans?
  55. All I can think about are the Budweiser Clydesdales. And they don't throw cans because they are horses.
  56. That's a good ad campaign. I could discuss that with Mr. Crenshaw if I wasn't such a moron.
  57. What if I used two hands to throw? Like how little kids shoot basketballs?
  58. No. You're an adult. Play the part.
  59. I'm throwing overhand. I'm doing this.
  60. This feels wrong. You've overthought this. Bring the can back down.
  61. Too late.
  62. Someone called his name. He looked away.
  63. It's going to-
  64. Yep.
  65. Oh man, I just threw a La Croix at the CEO's face.
  66. "Mr. Crenshaw, I am so sorry! Are you ok?"
  67. It's spraying everywhere.
  68. The can, not his face.
  69. "Here, let me grab some ice from the refrigerator. I MEAN THE FRIDGE. THE FRIDGE, GODDAMN IT."
  70. Amy, you dumb bitch.
  71. Ice is in the freezer, not the fridge.
  72. Oh man, he is mad.
  73. He is screaming and demanding to know who I am.
  74. He is no longer a cool boss.
  75. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.
  76. "I'm Amy, and I'm an intern. I am so sorry, but you said to toss it, and that's a toss, right? I am SO sorry. It will never happen again. Well, obviously it will never happen again because that would be insane-"
  77. Oh, he is being mean.
  78. He's going to fire me.
  79. Hey wait, I'm not getting paid.
  80. "NO. NO. NO. I AM SORRY, BUT YOU SPECIFICALLY SAID TO TOSS YOU A LA CROIX, KNOWING FULL WELL THERE WAS A TABLE AND ABOUT TEN TO TWENTY FEET BETWEEN US. WHAT WAS AN OFFHAND REQUEST FOR YOU TURNED INTO A NIGHTMARISH HELLSCAPE OF DECISION-MAKING FOR ME, BECAUSE HOW AM I, AN UNPAID INTERN, SUPPOSED TO KNOW YOUR DEFINITION OF TOSS."
  81. Well, here comes everyone.
  82. "I'M A MARKETING INTERN, NOT..."
  83. Think of a pitcher, quick, Amy. Someone your brother likes.
  84. "NOT... RANDY JOHNSON"
  85. Does he still play? Move on. Move on quickly.
  86. "SO YEAH, I AM GENUINELY SORRY YOUR FACE HURTS AND THAT I KNOCKED OFF YOUR HAT, BUT PLEASE TREAT ME LIKE A HUMAN BEING."
  87. I think I'm done.
  88. He wants my employee badge.
  89. "Good, you can have it."
  90. Oh man, I have to throw a badge now.
  91. Just drop it.
  92. That's cooler.