The Thoughts of Centurion #3 When the Kid Playing Jesus Faints Halfway Through Living Stations

  1. I hate that my mom is making me do this.
  2. I'm in 6th grade. I shouldn't have to wear a toga.
  3. You're just upset you aren't Jesus, Tommy.
  4. No, I don't even want to be Jesus.
  5. Of course Logan Reynolds is Jesus. Kid is such a suck up.
  6. Jesus wasn't a blonde preteen with half a mustache.
  7. He wasn't a redhead either, Tommy.
  8. I'm just sick of being a centurion every year.
  9. I'm not even like a good villain, like Judas. Or Pilate. Pilate would be cool.
  10. I'm a Roman centurion. I'm a biblical henchman.
  11. God, it's hot.
  12. Logan is really committing to his suffering. What a try-hard.
  13. They should open a window or something though.
  14. I'd be a good Pilate. I can be all whatever and uncaring. It's a fun role.
  15. Logan's, like, really sweating.
  16. Get over yourself, Logan.
  17. Ok, time for Jesus to fall for the second time. Just like in rehearsal.
  18. Heck of a fall, Logan. That's actually pretty impressive.
  19. Ok, get up.
  20. Logan?
  21. "Logan?"
  22. Oh. Well. He's not getting up.
  23. Is... is he dead?
  24. No, he still has a pulse.
  25. Jesus has fainted.
  26. Centurion #2 is giving me a look.
  27. I don't know what to do, Centurion #2. This is new to me.
  28. Should we announce that Logan fainted?
  29. Yeah, this needs to end. He needs help.
  30. Everyone is still singing and praying. Wait for a break in the song.
  31. Oh the lector is going right to the next station.
  32. I guess, help him up?
  33. He's not moving.
  34. HEY KID PLAYING SIMON, HOLD THE CROSS. THAT'S YOUR ROLE.
  35. Centurions #1 and #2, stop looking at me just because I'm in the upper grades. I don't know what to do. Where's Mrs. K?
  36. No one has noticed. They think he's just convincing.
  37. "Logan? Logan, buddy? Um, wake up?"
  38. He's out cold.
  39. Ok, say something to the audience.
  40. "Excuse me!"
  41. I just got shhhhh'd hard by the lector.
  42. What do I do? I'm 12.
  43. Prop Logan up. We are going to do this. We are going to carry Logan's fainted body through the rest of this.
  44. Ok, Jesus meets the woman.
  45. Oh, Sara Anderson can totally tell Logan has passed out. Her tears are real.
  46. Give her a look that's both "we don't know what to do" and "I'm an evil centurion."
  47. Throw Logan's lifeless arms around Sara.
  48. I'm so sorry, Sara.
  49. Just hurry and get to when Jesus dies. Then we can just let Logan be passed out without using him as a gospel puppet.
  50. Oh no, the next station is Jesus falls for the third and final time.
  51. ...Are we going to let him fall?
  52. Yes, Centurions #1 and #2, we are going to let him fall.
  53. We are going to drop Logan's limp body.
  54. And... drop.
  55. Oh boy, that was a sound.
  56. Ok, help him up.
  57. SIMON, I CAN'T CARRY THE CROSS AND LIFT LOGAN BACK UP.
  58. IT'S NOT A REAL CROSS, IT'S A 2X4 NAILED TO A 2X4. IT'S NOT ACTUALLY HEAVY, JUST KINDA AWKWARD TO CARRY.
  59. Ok, let him up. Get him up. Stand Logan back up.
  60. Oh the audience is "ooh"ing. They are so into this.
  61. Next station, Jesus is stripped of his garments.
  62. Easy, right?
  63. Grab that and rip it. Oh man, this is kind of hard. Hold Logan up, man. Hold him up. He's slipping. He's slipping. Stop him. HE'S SLIPPING. Oh, and we saved him. Ok, now bob him a little bit so he's head is nodding.
  64. HURRY, LECTOR, WE NEED TO GET THROUGH THIS. OUR ARMS ARE TIRED.
  65. Stop crying, Centurion #1.
  66. Ok, nail him to the cross.
  67. But, like, rope him.
  68. I'm not sure how he is going to stand up on his own unless we really tie him up.
  69. Oh man, I'm so, so sorry Logan.
  70. Jesus, I am also so, so sorry. This is unfair to both of you.
  71. Ok, he's tied up.
  72. Wait, Logan is stirring.
  73. Logan, no, this is where you die.
  74. NO, LOGAN, DON'T STRUGGLE.
  75. Logan is awake and very scared.
  76. Lots of screaming and trying to free himself from Logan.
  77. Save this, Tommy.
  78. Just skip to the end.
  79. "HE HAS RESURRECTED!"
  80. Oh no, Logan and the cross just tipped over and face-planted.
  81. This is not how stations go.
  82. Oh, NOW Mrs. K steps in.
  83. I wouldn't have passed out, just saying.