The Thoughts of Someone at a Party Hoping Their Dip Runs Out Before a Competitor's Dip Does

  1. Perfect. Everyone else brought Tostitos.
  2. Like a bunch of children.
  3. Step aside, amateur partygoers. I brought a goddamn dip inside of a goddamn bread bowl.
  4. This is my party now.
  5. "Hey! Where can I put my artichoke spinach dip?"
  6. "Hahaha, Jess, I don't know if I would call it MY famous artichoke spinach dip."
  7. But, please, please do so for me.
  8. Yes, yes, run to the table, Chris and Lou. This is Casey's famous artichoke spinach dip, and we all know it goes so very fast.
  9. "Hold on, guys. Gotta make room on the table!"
  10. Throw that bowl of pretzels aside.
  11. Clear that center space for the artichoke spinach dip: the Cadillac of party food.
  12. Now, mingle, Casey. In about twenty minutes, expect to hear the anguished cry of a latecomer who missed the dip.
  13. "Hey Kyle, how's work going?"
  14. I totally forgot what Kyle does.
  15. He's going on and on explaining how he's been moved to a new account, but it's shocking the lack of context clues he's giving to let me know what exactly his job is.
  16. Oh look, Rachel arrived.
  17. With a deep tray.
  18. What the hell did Rachel bring?
  19. Rachel makes cookies. She always makes cookies. Cookies are her thing.
  20. And her cookies always come out so much later than my artichoke spinach dip, so there's no conflict of interest.
  21. "Yeah, Kyle, I imagine social media is really changing the way you handle accounts."
  22. Safe guess. Kyle assured me that social media is indeed changing the way he handles accounts.
  23. Rachel's unwrapping the top.
  24. It's a dip.
  25. An orange-
  26. NO, SHE DIDN'T.
  27. RACHEL BROUGHT BUFFALO CHICKEN DIP.
  28. The most millennial-pandering dip a person could bring.
  29. Buffalo Chicken Dip is the VMA's of dips.
  30. Fun and digestible, but afterwards you somehow feel worse about yourself for having consumed it.
  31. Chris and Lou, don't you dare-
  32. They just ran across the room and have posted up next to the buff chick dip.
  33. "What, Kyle? No, I'm not still with GE. That was like three jobs ago. I'll talk to you later."
  34. I need to access the dip situation.
  35. Ok, ok. There's a sizable dent in my dip, but her dip is catching up.
  36. Let me try the smallest possible amount of the buff chick.
  37. Damn. That's really good.
  38. Ok, it's on.
  39. My dip better run out first.
  40. Keith is surveying the table.
  41. He has picked up a chip.
  42. Keith, do the right thing.
  43. THATTA BOY, KEITH. ENJOY THAT ARTICHOKE SPINACH!
  44. Have another chip! Go to town on my dip.
  45. Keith went buffalo chick on his second chip.
  46. He's alternating between dips like he's some sort of king.
  47. Casey, this is insane. Enjoy the party. Mingle for ten minutes, and then you can see if your dip is winning.
  48. Helen is here! Thank God. I needed a vegetarian right now.
  49. "Hey Helen how have you been-"
  50. HELEN IS EATING BUFFALO CHICKEN?!
  51. "Um Hel, that has chicken in it."
  52. She's not being vegetarian this month?!
  53. That's not how it works.
  54. Pick next month, when my artichoke spinach dip isn't sitting there waiting to be eaten.
  55. This is bad. This is bad.
  56. Oh, here comes Rachel with her stupid cardigan.
  57. "Hi Rach!"
  58. She's...
  59. She's eating her own dip.
  60. That's the craziest thing I've ever seen in my entire life.
  61. You can't eat your own dip at a party. That's like drug dealers smoking their own supply: they don't do it for some reason.
  62. This isn't your goddamn kitchen, Rachel. You look like an egomaniac when you eat the food you brought to a party.
  63. If she's not going to play fair, neither am I.
  64. Break out the Ruffles.
  65. Ruffles are designed for artichoke spinach dip.
  66. Those sweet little ridges will break under the weight of the chicken.
  67. LOOK AT KEITH TRY TO LIFT THE CHICKEN WITH A RUFFLE HAHAHAHAHAHA.
  68. The buffalo chicken dip is now a battlefield littered with the corpses of broken Ruffles.
  69. Yes, yes, I'm winning.
  70. Do a party loop, so no one can tell that this is something that means the world to you.
  71. "Hey it's been so long!"
  72. No idea who this person is.
  73. But they have a little plate with artichoke spinach dip on it, so I love them.
  74. Keith and Jessica throw the nicest parties.
  75. This is fun.
  76. Ok, ok, work your way back.
  77. It's neck and neck. One more bite of either should do it.
  78. Should I?
  79. Casey, no. That's against the ethics of party food. You can't have the last bite of your own dish.
  80. But here comes Rachel. She's going to finish hers.
  81. I'm going to do it.
  82. No.
  83. I don't want to win that way.
  84. Walk away, and don't ever look back.
  85. Just heard Jessica say "Wow, all out of the buffalo chicken dip! Looks like it was the big favorite."
  86. I am a party marytr.