The Thoughts of Someone Who Needs To Go to the Bathroom, But The Person In the Aisle Seat is Dead

  1. I can't wait anymore.
  2. I really have to go.
  3. It's another three hours till LAX.
  4. But the old man is still fast asleep.
  5. I really thought he'd wake up when the beverage cart came by.
  6. But the Flight Attendants are so sneaky quiet.
  7. I think they try to sneak past sleeping people.
  8. So they can take our sodas and pretzels.
  9. God, I have to go so badly.
  10. I shouldn't have gone to the bar during the delay.
  11. Drinking at airports is expensive and cliché.
  12. Wake the man up, Jill.
  13. Just do a very light, gentle shoulder tap.
  14. A tap that's both reassuring and extremely apologetic.
  15. He didn't move.
  16. Do it again, but say something like "I'm beyond mortified that I am in a situation where I have to wake up an elder because I had three $12 mojitos at the bar they didn't even bother naming in Terminal D."
  17. "Hey sorry sir."
  18. Nothing.
  19. Maybe do a leg nudge.
  20. Like "oh sorry."
  21. He's not moving.
  22. Do I just crawl over him?
  23. He's got the tray table down. I can't put another person's tray table down.
  24. That feels intimate and insanely passive-aggressive.
  25. Do I shake him?
  26. Do I shake this strange old man?
  27. I think I have to, right?
  28. "Sir, excuse me. Sir. Sir. Sir, excuse me, Sir. I have to use the bathroom. Sir. It'll just be a second. Sir."
  29. I wish I could sleep like that. God, he looks content.
  30. I have to go to the bathroom in a way that hurts.
  31. "SIR. SIR. EXCUSE ME, SIR. SIR, IT'LL JUST BE A SECOND. SIR. SIR. I'M SO SORRY. SIR, PLEASE."
  32. ...
  33. I think he's dead.
  34. Touch his neck.
  35. Oh, no. He's dead.
  36. He died watching the movie "Joy."
  37. I have to tell someone.
  38. ...
  39. I should go to the bathroom first.
  40. Jill, no. You can't do that.
  41. If I tell the flight attendant that I am next to a dead man, it'll probably be a while before I can go to the bathroom.
  42. I can't just be like "hey, ma'am. This man is dead. Can you swing his legs so I can go to the bathroom?"
  43. I could go to the bathroom and pretend to discover him when I come back.
  44. Jill, you have to tell people immediately.
  45. If I have to wait until we dispose of a body on a plane, I will pee my pants.
  46. And that's a whole other situation.
  47. Jill, you can't seriously be considering-
  48. No, shut up, me. Shut the fuck up.
  49. I'm putting his tray table up.
  50. He won't mind.
  51. I wonder how long I've been next to this dead body.
  52. At most two hours, since he had to have selected Joy.
  53. I wonder how quickly he died after selecting Joy.
  54. I hope he got to enjoy it.
  55. I have to go to the bathroom so much that I am not nearly as phased by a corpse as I should be.
  56. Ok, I'm climbing over him.
  57. Oh God. This is terrible. I'm a monster. I'm climbing over a dead man.
  58. DON'T TOUCH HIM, JILL. YOU TOUCHED HIS HAND.
  59. FINGERPRINTS.
  60. Jill, they are not going to think you killed this old stranger.
  61. I'M OUT.
  62. Ok, hurry. Hurry. Go to the bathroom.
  63. THERE'S A LINE.
  64. I'M BOTH UPSET BECAUSE I HAVE TO GO TO A BATHROOM REALLY BADLY AND BECAUSE I WANT TO HONOR A DEAD MAN.
  65. Come on. Come on. Come on.
  66. If someone discovers him first, they will know I climbed over him.
  67. Oh thank God.
  68. Hurry, hurry-
  69. Yeah, but put something down on the seat first.
  70. OH, THIS FEELS AMAZING.
  71. Ahhhhhhhhh. Oh man. What a relief.
  72. Phew.
  73. I was sitting next to a dead man for two hours.
  74. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.
  75. Ok, get back to him. Hurry. Do not let the drink cart box you into the bathroom.
  76. He looks so peaceful.
  77. Now nudge him gently and "discover" that he's dead.
  78. Make sure you sell it, Jill. People need to really believe you are discovering a body for the first time and are not a disgusting selfish human.
  79. "Hello sir. Sir? SIRRRRR?!"
  80. A little less, Jill.
  81. This is why I did stage crew in high school.
  82. "I think... I think this man is DEAD."
  83. Everyone has headphones in.
  84. "THIS MAN IS DEAD."
  85. That got attention.
  86. Should I cry?
  87. That dead man smiled at me and offered to switch if I wanted the aisle. He was flying to LA to visit his grandchildren.
  88. OH THANK GOD, THERE'S THE TEARS.