Thoughts of a 911 Operator Who's Unsure if a Caller is Under Duress or is Actually Ordering Pizza

  1. "911, what's your emergency?"
  2. If this is another old lady found dead, I swear to God.
  3. I didn't get into this to realize the depressing reality of how many people are found dead weeks after they died.
  4. I got into this for the sexy 911 stuff.
  5. Like murder and jewel heists.
  6. Wait...
  7. The caller is ordering pizza.
  8. I think that means...
  9. THEY ARE UNDER DURESS AND ARE SECRETLY CALLING 911.
  10. This is it. The 911 operator's dream. I get to slowly get the information out of him with yes or no questions.
  11. It's like 20 questions only he is being held hostage by a guy who wants his hostage to do the pizza ordering.
  12. This is your moment, Sheila.
  13. "Sir, are you in trouble?"
  14. He said, "what? So that's one large cheese. One large pepperoni."
  15. Wait.
  16. Maybe this guy is actually trying to order pizza.
  17. Sheila, no. He called 911. You don't do that by accident.
  18. A baby does it by accident once a day. It's the cutest part of the job.
  19. "Sir, can you not speak freely? Say yes or no. This is 911."
  20. He didn't hear me because he's asking someone in the background if they would actually eat a whole veggie pizza or if they are just going to eat one veggie slice and then have veggie leftovers for a week until he throws them away.
  21. "Sir. This is 911. This is not a pizza place. Are you in trouble?"
  22. Shiela, remain cool. If he is in trouble, this will be on the internet and anything you say could end being a catchphrase on a t-shirt.
  23. He said yes.
  24. "Yes, you are in trouble?"
  25. He said yes, he wants garlic knots.
  26. Is he speaking in code?
  27. What would garlic knots be? Drug dealers?
  28. Sheila, why would garlic knots be drug dealers?
  29. I don't know. Garlic sounds like marijuana slang. Knots could be like soldiers. Like, drug soldiers? I don't know.
  30. "Sir, I have your location based off your phone and am sending officers over for an unknown disturbance. Please stay calm."
  31. He keeps ordering so much pizza. It's like he's not listening to anything I'm saying.
  32. Why would a hostage order so many pizzas? Are his captors having a party?
  33. Like a "we successfully got a hostage" party?
  34. OR MAYBE. He thinks there's someone secretly in the house, like a horror movie, but doesn't want to tip him off.
  35. "Sir, is there someone in your house, watching you?"
  36. He wants to know if we still have the buffalo chicken pizza.
  37. "Does that mean there are other hostages? Help me out here, please. Say yes or no."
  38. He said, "what are you talking about?"
  39. Sheila, he's actually trying to order pizza.
  40. He's probably high and knew the number for pizza and the number for 911, so he confused them in his mind.
  41. Wait, he said, "of course I'd like a free order of chicken wings."
  42. I didn't say anything about chicken wings.
  43. So... he is under duress?
  44. "Sir, say 'cheesy bread, yum!' if you are in trouble."
  45. HE SAID IT. HE SAID 'CHEESY BREAD, YUM!'
  46. Hell yeah! He's in trouble!
  47. Ok, now figure out a way to save him so he doesn't get hurt.
  48. "Sir, the police should be there in two minutes. Stay calm and on the phone with me. Everything will be ok. Good job with the pizza phone call. It's a good move."
  49. Now he wants to know if he I can repeat his order back to him.
  50. And he let me know I'm on speakerphone.
  51. They are listening. The bad guys are listening.
  52. What did he order again? I didn't write it down because I'm a 911 operator and not a Dominos employee.
  53. "Um, ok... that was one large cheese, one large pep, one large buff chick. One..."
  54. DID HE ORDER SAUSAGE?! GODDAMN IT, DID HE ORDER SAUSAGE?!
  55. "One large ground beef? Yes, one large ground beef. One half veggie, half cheese. One meat lovers with extra bacon but no ham-"
  56. SHEILA, HE NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT A MEAT-LOVERS PIZZA.
  57. JUST KEEP DISTRACTING THEM.
  58. "Oh, sorry my bad, that should read 'one large white pizza.' You also got cheesy bread, free wings, and two liters of Sprite. Will that be all?"
  59. A gruff voice wants to know how big a medium is and how big a large is.
  60. "A medium is the size of a basketball. A large is... uh."
  61. HOW BIG IS A LARGE, SHIELA?!
  62. "A large is the size of an ATV wheel."
  63. That seems too big.
  64. Ok, they want to make the half veggie/half cheese a medium.
  65. "Got it. Your total is..."
  66. ...
  67. "...$62.45."
  68. That's not enough.
  69. They are impressed it's not higher.
  70. I think I did it. I think I tricked them.
  71. "Ok, bye. Thank you for ordering from...."
  72. SHEILA, NO. YOU DON'T KNOW THE PIZZA PLACE THEY THINK THEY ARE ORDERING FROM."
  73. "From, uh, from, uh, you know, your favorite pizza store."
  74. I just got the hostage guy killed.
  75. "PIZZA HUT?!?"
  76. OH NO, I WAS WRONG. THEY ARE ACCUSING MARK OF CALLING THE COPS.
  77. Oh phew, the police are there, and they are demanding everyone puts the guns down. The bad guys are demanding the police put their guns down. It is very tense.
  78. They can't believe Mark betrayed them.
  79. Now I get to listen to the good stuff.
  80. Good job today, Sheila.