I don't know what's appropriate. I almost wrote something serious, but that seemed dishonest to whatever tenuous connection we had. So here's something I hope she'd like. For @biz, the warrior poet who always liked my sillier lists, here's the dumbest title I could find in my drafts. Thank you for being the first person to say yes to me here.
  1. "Here, kitty, kitty."
  2. Cats are so scary. She could be anywhere.
  3. House sitting is so weird.
  4. I get to walk around the Morton's house when they aren't here and look at their stuff and try to piece together who they are.
  5. Like, their stuff is just here. They own a lamp that looks like a lady bug. What does that say about them?
  7. "Hello cat."
  8. It has a name.
  9. Yeah, well, it doesn't speak human, so it doesn't really matter what I say, does it?
  10. "Alright, bud, let me feed you and then we are cool, ok?"
  11. Cats move like lionesses with no stakes, and that scares me.
  12. I have to get out of my neighbors empty house. It's too scary.
  13. You could turn on the light, Norah.
  14. No, that feels too intimate.
  15. What the hell does that mean? I think they'd be ok with you turning on the light if you are house sitting-
  17. Oh, it's just the other cat.
  18. Wait.
  19. What other cat?
  20. The Mortons only mentioned Snickers.
  21. Yes, Norah, but there's two cats right in front of me. Staring.
  22. Did I...
  23. Did I let the other cat in?
  24. Oh man. I think I let the other cat in.
  25. Unless they mentioned they had two cats?
  26. Check the note.
  27. Blah, blah, blah, water the ficus, here's where we are staying, blah, blah, blah, feed Snickers twice a day.
  28. Yep, one cat. There's only supposed to be one cat.
  29. I somehow doubled the amount of cats that are supposed to be here.
  30. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. What do I do?
  31. I guess I kick the second cat out?
  32. That seems mean.
  33. I think I have to get rid of this second cat so the Mortons don't come home and be like, "why did you add a cat to our lives?"
  34. Wait. This cat is white. Wasn't there just an extra brown one here?
  35. Are there three cats in this house?
  37. Did I leave a window open or something? Why are there extra cats?
  38. Ok, Snickers is the striped one. He stays.
  39. Any other cat in this house has to go.
  40. Catch that white cat, Norah, hurry, or the Mortons aren't going to give you the $25 and a tub of saltwater taffy that you normally get for house sitting.
  42. Aw, he seems chill.
  44. I think that's a whole new cat.
  45. I think there are four cats in this house.
  46. Did the Mortons forget to mention three whole cats?
  47. No, right? They would have mentioned all four in the note, not just the one.
  48. But what if I kick out a cat and the Mortons come home and are like "where's Snowball? We didn't need you to feed her, but we certainly didn't want you throwing her out the door."
  49. What do I do?
  50. Do I call the Mortons? They left the number of their beach house and their cell number.
  51. Call the beach house.
  52. No answer.
  53. Norah, call the cell. Why would you ever call a landline first?
  54. Oh no, they answered.
  55. "Hey Mrs. Morton. How are you? Um, yeah Snickers is doing well."
  56. She only asked about Snickers. That means there's only supposed to be one cat. I think.
  57. Unless they have a favorite cat? That seems messed up though, right?
  58. "I was just wondering... Um, is there anyone else I should be... taking care of?"
  59. "No, I know about the ficus. The ficus has been watered."
  60. I have not watered the ficus. Don't forget to water the ficus, Norah. You can't add cats AND kill a ficus.
  61. "That's it though? Ok, bye. Enjoy the Outerbanks!"
  62. That's so weird. She didn't mention the other cats.
  63. So I think I've somehow caused them. I've caused the cats.
  64. Are they slipping in right when I open the door? How is this happening? Is there a hole somewhere in the house? A cat hole?
  65. Is Snickers throwing some kind of cat party?
  66. Ok, a calico just walked by, so that's five. There's five cats in this house.
  67. I have to wrangle them. I must wrangle the cats and get rid of them.
  68. But wait, what if each cat has a different catsitter?
  69. That's not a thing. Catch the cats.
  70. Ok, I have the white one, and I got the calico. Snag the black one. Hurry.
  71. I can't juggle this many cats.
  72. Ok, where's the brown one?
  73. "Brown cat, please come."
  74. Oh, there he is.
  75. Ok, lean down but don't drop the other three cats. It's a delicate cat balancing act.
  76. This is not worth the $25 and the saltwater taffy.
  77. Got it. I am holding four cats.
  78. And Snickers is just staring at me with contempt.
  79. "What do you want me to do? I don't know what to do about all these cats. I think these are way too many cats."
  80. Snickers wants the cats to stay. I can tell.
  81. You don't speak cat, Norah.
  82. I can't just kick them out. I'm going to have to explain to the Mortons that I have turned their house into a cat beacon.
  83. I'm letting go of all the cats.
  84. And I guess I just put out a lot of food? Like five times as much food as I was supposed to?
  85. I really don't know what to do. I don't know how to ask these cats what's up.
  86. Look at all these cats slurping up milk. I get it. I get why people like cats. I wish these cats knew how much I'm enjoying them. I wish I could find the proper cat words to be like, "hey, thank you for being here."
  87. The Mortons will probably fire me from catsitting because I turned their house into a cat den.
  88. Oh, look, a sixth cat.
  89. Come on in, buddy.