Thoughts of a Civil War Reenactor Who Forgot to Wash Off His Handstamp From the Bar the Night Before

  1. God, I'm hungover.
  2. But man do I love this.
  3. Everyone is always like "you do what on the weekends?" but honestly, getting out here on the battlefield with the guys is so exhilarating.
  4. Plus, I always fight for the Union, except for that one time when Percy was sick, so it's not even, like, racist, I swear.
  5. It's just something to do.
  6. I should not have drank so much last night though.
  7. Good thing this musket isn't really loaded!
  8. Hahahahahaha, just a little Civil War reenactor humor.
  9. I should tell Jared that one.
  10. "Hey Jared!"
  11. Goddamn cannons going off right when I call for Jared.
  12. We haven't even started yet, and those gloryhog cannon guys are getting all fancy with their pyrotechnics.
  13. Most Civil War historians will say that the cannons were likely not that loud.
  14. Have some respect for history, guys. We come here to be a living history, to inform and to honor it.
  15. "Hey Jared!"
  16. Wait, what's on my...
  17. Oh God, oh God.
  18. It's the smiley face stamp from the bar last night.
  19. A smiley face stamp is not at all historically accurate.
  20. I assumed it would wash off in the shower.
  21. Oh man, if any of the guys see this, I'm going to be court-martialed.
  22. Which means I get suspended for two whole battles and probably won't get a t-shirt.
  23. They have no tolerance for anachronisms. A guy was once kicked out for having what was deemed "hat hair clearly caused by a modern baseball cap."
  24. Kevin, lick it off.
  25. Use your spit and rub.
  26. It won't come off. It's a still a clear smiley face.
  27. Oh no, we are about to advance.
  28. Put on your gloves.
  29. NO, KEVIN, GENERAL MCCLELLAN'S TROOPS WOULD NOT HAVE WORN GLOVES AT ANTIETAM.
  30. It's starting. Hide your hand. Hide your hand.
  31. "PRESERVE THE UNION!"
  32. Why did I think it was a good idea to go out last night?
  33. My brother Mark was like "Kevin, I won't make fun of you for your soldier make-believe if you go out with us like a normal single 30-something."
  34. It was because he said his wife's friend Lily would be out, and Lily is the one person who actually pretends to be interested in this.
  35. Lily always asks so many questions and teases me about how I can rewrite history by going off script.
  36. "FOR PRESIDENT LINCOLN!"
  37. Remember when the bouncer stamped your hand, Kevin, you made a mental note to wash it off, but you forgot?
  38. You remembered to shave into this ridiculous goatee and twirly mustache, but you forgot to wash off the smiley face stamp.
  39. Ok, shoot with your other hand.
  40. Shoot and hope that no one is like "why is Kevin only shooting with one hand? The thrust from the muskets requires two hands to stabilize."
  41. FRANK, I SHOT YOU, SO DIE LIKE WE REHEARSED.
  42. All the guys in Robert E. Lee's army are such jerks. They will totally report me if they see the smiley face.
  43. Maybe I can play it off as musket grease.
  44. Smiley musket grease.
  45. Make sure the spectators can't see it. You can't let down a field trip, Kevin.
  46. Oh God, Lily actually came. I was drunk when I invited her.
  47. If Lily sees me get kicked out for being historically inaccurate, she will be like "you aren't even good at the nerdy thing you devote your weekends to?"
  48. God, look at that smiley face stamp. Mocking me, smiling.
  49. There's nothing to smile at in war.
  50. The Battle of Antietam was the single bloodiest day in American History, and I'm hungover wearing a smiling face stamp.
  51. It's not historically inaccurate to be hungover, right? There was probably at least one hungover soldier, right?
  52. Off grog or whatever?
  53. Kevin, you call yourself a living historian, and you don't even know the drinking habits of the Union army.
  54. Ok, I'm at my mark. Justin should come and shoot me, and I can die and cover up my hand.
  55. Just kill me, Justin. Kill me.
  56. Why is he pausing?
  57. He sees my hand.
  58. That bastard just smiled as he shot me.
  59. I'm dead. I'm dead in real life too.
  60. He just whispered, "Nice sticker. You're finished, Northern scum."
  61. I'm going to get kicked out. He's going to report me and get me kicked out.
  62. The one group I've ever been a part of is going to kick me out.
  63. All because I tried to act like a normal person last night.
  64. And Lily is going to see all the guys laughing at me.
  65. This isn't fair...
  66. I'm not going out with without a fight.
  67. My hand is historically inaccurate? I'll show them historically inaccurate.
  68. I'm undying.
  69. "FOR THE UNION!"
  70. Kill everyone, Kevin.
  71. Sprint past the formation directly to Robert E. Lee.
  72. End the entire goddamn war.
  73. "DIE. DIE. DIE. I AM ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S SECRET SUPER SOLDIER, AND I CANNOT BE KILLED BY THE BULLETS OF MEN!"
  74. Everyone is so committed, so they are dying when I shoot them. This is insane.
  75. There he is, the guy playing Robert E. Lee.
  76. "State's rights can suck it."
  77. BAM, BAM, BAM.
  78. Ok, the whistles are going off. The reenactment is over.
  79. Everyone is furious.
  80. Run, Kevin, run. Get out.
  81. "LILY, START YOUR CAR."
  82. She's running. Go, go, go.
  83. Hop in.
  84. Oh my God.
  85. She's laughing. I'm hyperventilating.
  86. Hahahahahaha.
  87. "Thanks for coming, Lily."