Thoughts of a College Freshman Trying to Find a Private Place to Breakup With Her BF Over the Phone

  1. Oh, God. Joe is calling. Again.
  2. I need to just do this.
  3. "Hey Joe."
  4. Oh God, now when he says "babe" it makes my skin crawl. We're 19.
  5. "So things have been weird, and I know both of us are unhappy-"
  6. Oh, no. Maura entered our room.
  7. She's giving me a "should I leave?" face.
  8. "No, you're good. No, not you, Joe."
  9. Joe is not good.
  10. Just gotta find somewhere else to do this.
  11. I'm not pissing Maura off again. She's looking for any excuse to be like "I'm pre-med, so I need to sleep, unlike you undeclareds."
  12. Maura is going to love that I broke up with Joe. She hated when he visited and threw up in her drawer.
  13. Which is totally fair, but still. Pretty funny.
  14. Second floor lounge should be empty. It's midnight.
  15. "So Joe, I know we thought we could do long distance, but-"
  16. Oh God, there's a Student Government meeting happening in the lounge.
  17. And it's not even like the actual student government. It's just like the student government we have for this dorm building.
  18. I don't know why the freshman class needs a class treasurer and then my building needs a building treasurer. And who even voted for these kids? Who are they?
  19. "Joe, hold on."
  20. The laundry room.
  21. I'm going to break up with Joe in the laundry room.
  22. "HEY, JOE? CAN YOU HEAR ME?! I'M IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM."
  23. "OK, SO OBVIOUSLY A PART OF ME WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU, AND OH GODDAMNIT."
  24. Of course people are doing their laundry at 12:15am. It's college.
  25. Stairwell. Find an empty stairwell and sit by one of the windows.
  26. "Joe, this has nothing to do with Craig. He's just my friend, and I'm pretty sure he's into Carissa. You remember Carissa, she was the one who made the Jell-O shots that made you throw up in Maura's drawer? Anyway-"
  27. Oh man, there's already a girl in this stairwell crying to her mom about being homesick.
  28. I should have staked out the stairwell earlier.
  29. Hurry, go to the other stairwell.
  30. "Joe, hold up. Don't cry. I need to find a place to do this properly."
  31. It's empty. Score!
  32. "Joe, I'm so, so sorry. I just need to figure out who I am."
  33. What's that noise?
  34. Oh god, people are making out under the stairs.
  35. Is that Trevor Anderson and Brooke Distefino?
  36. Oh, damn, that's good gossip. Brooke's roommate Maria is going to be PISSED.
  37. Guess I go outside.
  38. Uggghhhhhh.
  39. "Joe, you'll always be my first love too, but this isn't fair to either of us."
  40. It's so cold out. Quick, walk to a bench.
  41. What the hell?
  42. Every single bench on campus has a couple breaking up on it.
  43. Make your way to the quad. It's big.
  44. "Joe, things were weird when I visited you last weekend. You know they were weird. We're just in two different places."
  45. There's a candlelight vigil on the quad tonight.
  46. There's always a candlelight vigil on the quad.
  47. What does that sign say? "For the Victims of Capitalism"?
  48. "Joe, get this, they are having a candlelight vigil for the 'Victims of Capitalism.' Isn't that hilarious?"
  49. Joe is not amused.
  50. Are the classrooms open?
  51. Oh thank God, the basement of Goupil is unlocked.
  52. I'm going to break up with Joe outside of my Intro to Astronomy classroom.
  53. Oh, God, I'm really going to do it. I found a space, and now this is real.
  54. This is really sad. I love Joe.
  55. "Joe... I love you too... but I just can't let myself resent you... "
  56. Oh god, now I'm crying.
  57. AN ANGRY JANITOR. RUN.