Thoughts of a Funeral Director Who Doesn't Know if Business Is Bad or if People Just Aren't Dying

  1. Nothing scheduled for this week yet.
  2. Not much going on at Hoffs-Drawlar Funeral Home.
  3. It'll pick up, Sandy.
  4. People always die.
  5. La la la.
  6. Guess I can rearrange the coffins by color.
  7. Oh thank God, the phone.
  8. Somber voice, Sandy.
  9. "Hello, Hoffs-Drawlar Funeral Home and Bereavement Services, this is Sandy. How may I assist you today?"
  10. Damn, it's Joe.
  11. "Honey, call my cell, ok? I'm expecting a call. From who? I don't know, Joe, from a sad family, I guess. No, I haven't thought about dinner tonight. Yes, Chinese sounds great. I love you too, bye."
  12. No voicemails from when I was on the phone.
  13. I should send Charles home.
  14. He just sits at the front desk in a suit. He has no one to comfort.
  15. "Hey Charles!"
  16. He just looked at me with his kind eyes.
  17. "Never mind."
  18. I can't pay Charles if we have no funerals.
  19. Am I losing business?
  20. Or... is no one dying?
  21. That's ridiculous, Sandy. People die. It's famously inevitable.
  22. But I mean, no funerals for two weeks.
  23. I guess we're just unpopular?
  24. How can I tell?
  25. Is there like a new funeral home chain that has come into town that I don't know about?
  26. What can I do to fix this? Better comfort mints?
  27. THE PHONE. YES. SOMEONE IS DEAD.
  28. Phone voice, Sandy.
  29. "Hoffs-Drawlar Funeral Home and Bereavement-"
  30. It's just an urn company letting me know about the new advances in urns.
  31. "I'm good, thank you."
  32. Is everyone going to Gate of Heaven funeral home? I thought there was enough dead people for both of us.
  33. I guess I just... wait.
  34. Do I read a book or something?
  35. Seems weird to read, like, "Mockingjay" in a room where a lot of people have cried over the corpses of their loved ones.
  36. Am I not a good funeral home director? Is that why no one is coming here?
  37. I handled the Anderson wake like a real pro, and that was a super depressing one.
  38. They said it was exactly what Kate would have wanted.
  39. If another Anderson dies, we would definitely get some business.
  40. Sandy, stop secretly hoping a member of the Anderson family dies.
  41. I can barely make rent.
  42. I'm checking the obituaries.
  43. "Charles, can I have-"
  44. God, Charles just handed me a newspaper. How does he always know exactly what a person needs?
  45. I'm going to have to fire him if bodies don't start dropping.
  46. Ok, open to the obits.
  47. Like three people died.
  48. Is that normal? How many people dying is normal?
  49. Seems low, right?
  50. How am I supposed to afford constant fresh flowers if only three people have died in the entire tri-county area?
  51. "Thanks, Charles."
  52. I wonder if we could hide the caskets and throw wedding receptions here.
  53. Or, like, a prom.
  54. THE PHONE, YES. PLEASE BE TWO GRANDPARENTS WHO DIED HOURS AFTER ONE ANOTHER.
  55. "Hello, Hoffs-Drawlar Funeral Home and Bereavement Services, this is Sandy. How may I assist you?"
  56. It's another guy asking if we do dogs.
  57. Say no, Sandy. You didn't get into this for pet funerals.
  58. But we have to fix the roof and haven't had money come in in a week and a half, and Joe and I's wedding is coming up...
  59. NO. No pet funerals. That's what backyards and shoeboxes are for.
  60. "No, but I'm sorry for your loss."
  61. Just call Gail from Gate of Heaven. Ask if business is good.
  62. Gate of Heaven is the enemy. They stole that double homicide from us.
  63. But I have to know if this is my fault or if people are becoming immortal.
  64. Sandy, no. People are going to keep dying. This is a loss of business due to some fault of your own.
  65. You just have to fix the problem.
  66. Maybe we don't pat backs gently enough?
  67. That's ridiculous. Charles gives the firmest of handshakes and the warmest of hugs.
  68. Is it the way I calmly gesture to where to sit? I think I'm pretty damn good at that.
  69. Should we have a sale? Is that morbid? A funeral home sale?
  70. Like, free prayer cards.
  71. Or audience fillers.
  72. This is bad, Sandy. This is the second week of nothing. We cannot sustain this. You are going to prove to Mr. Hoff that you aren't equipped, and then you won't be able to afford that storybook wedding with Joe.
  73. No limo for us. Going to have to borrow the hearse.
  74. THE PHONE! I HOPE A SCHOOLBUS CRASHED.
  75. Woah, Sandy.
  76. You can't think that.
  77. I meant, like, a school bus full of people dying of old age.
  78. Somber voice, you greedy maniac.
  79. "Hoffs-Drawlar Funeral Home and Bereavement Services. This is Sandy. How may I assist you?"
  80. It's Gail from Gate of Heaven.
  81. "RIGHT?! No one is dying!"
  82. Oh, thank God.
  83. "Yeah, it's terrible. Wow, I thought I was going crazy."
  84. Gail is in the same boat. She says she is a step away from testing out the coffins herself.
  85. "Hahaha yes, yes. Well maybe I'll go out there and start drumming up some business!"
  86. I think I just admitted to pre-mediated murder.
  87. "Bye, Gail."
  88. There's no way Gail has never tried out a coffin. That's something every funeral home director has done countless times.
  89. Wow. So there really just aren't a lot of deaths this month, huh?
  90. What do I do if no one dies? I can't control that.
  91. If this was my fault, I could do something about it, but this is out of my hands. I'm standing here completely helpless.
  92. I can't afford Charles, or a new roof, or a wedding...
  93. God damn, I'm crying, and I feel stupid.
  94. I'm crying more than most families do in this room.
  95. Thank God I carry tissues for a living.
  96. What...
  97. Charles has me in his arms and says everything will be ok. This will pass.
  98. God, he's good.