1. "Hello everyone, please follow me as we make our way down historic Cape May, stopping at the city's more... ghoulish locations."
  2. Full moon. Kind of foggy.
  3. You're going to crush this Ghost Tour, Devon.
  4. "So stay close, because Victoria Street is one of the most haunted streets in New Jersey."
  5. No bachelorette parties tonight.
  6. This is going to go well.
  7. "We may even see a ghost."
  8. Devon, do not promise ghosts.
  9. We legally cannot promise ghosts.
  10. Because they probably aren't real.
  11. Don't think like that, Devon.
  12. As a ghost tour guide, you of all people need to believe in ghosts.
  13. "Ok, we are starting off at the famous Seaside Hotel, the most haunted hotel on the East Coast."
  14. I can legally say "most haunted" because there's no way to disprove it. There's no unit of measurement for "haunted."
  15. Not yet.
  16. "Perhaps you've heard of the Seaside Hotel's most famous ghost... Bloody Mary Paulson."
  17. Everyone loves Bloody Mary Paulson. She's got everything you need in a classic ghost story: craziness, a forgotten baby crying, familial strife.
  18. Topped off with a murder suicide.
  19. Which is really sad, normally.
  20. Unless it's a ghost story.
  21. And you can talk about it because it's scary.
  22. What is this woman saying?
  23. She said she's the granddaughter of Mary Paulson.
  24. "Oh really? Wow. Ok."
  25. Huh.
  26. I probably shouldn't tell this story then, right?
  27. It'll just seem sad if I tell it now.
  28. That's her grandmother.
  29. Devon, you have to tell it. You sell Bloody Mary Paulson t-shirts at the office.
  30. I wouldn't want someone telling stories about my grandmother's brutal murder.
  31. I mean, my grandmother died of old age, but still.
  32. Wait, how did my grandmother die? I think I'm too old to accept "old age."
  33. Well I know it wasn't a bloody murder.
  34. "So, let's walk down to the boardwalk to talk about some ghost pirates."
  35. Everyone groaned.
  36. They want to hear the story of Bloody Mary Paulson.
  37. But it's about her Grandma.
  38. "Ok, so in the early 1950's, there was a maid at the hotel and she was mistreated and it was really sad and unfair and now she's a ghost."
  39. I think that's respectful, right?
  40. Bloody Mary's granddaughter wants me to tell the whole story.
  41. "Ok, so Bloody Mary-"
  42. Don't call her Bloody Mary, Devon. Her name was Mary.
  43. "Mary was a maid at the Seaside Hotel, and she developed a reputation as..."
  44. Oh no.
  45. How do I tell this woman that her grandmother was a prostitute?
  46. Is "hooker" better than prostitute? No, right?
  47. "A lady of the night."
  48. You're doing great, Devon.
  49. "One of the Seaside's most reliable customers was Baron Mueller, a wealthy businessman from Philadelphia, and he was Mary's most prized... customer."
  50. This is terrible. I can't look her in the eye.
  51. "The Baron impregnated Mary, but his wife Cynthia found out in the society pages."
  52. Ok, try to make the murder seem less gruesome than it was.
  53. There's no delicate way to describe a stabbing.
  54. "The night Mary gave birth to Michael, her son-"
  55. "Oh yes, ma'am, that's your father, Jeez. Wow. Ok."
  56. Now I'm describing how her father was born on the night his mom died.
  57. And she paid $15 to hear me tell it in a spooky voice.
  58. Put the flashlight down from your chin, Devon.
  59. Show some respect.
  60. "So your father was born in room 212. The Baron was not in attendance, fearful of his wife."
  61. This story is so much more fun when you think of everyone as ghosts.
  62. And not, like, real people who lived real lives.
  63. "That night an angry and jealous Bloody hid her child and walked up to room 603. Using a fire stoker, she stabbed the Baron in the chest fifteen times for abandoning her during her labor."
  64. Go easy on her grandmother, Devon.
  65. "Which, is, like, totally reasonable. He really should have been there for his son's birth."
  66. Good, good. Be respectful of her grandmother's struggle.
  67. "Maybe he shouldn't have been stabbed fifteen times, but at least like five."
  68. Ok, don't condone murder just because you don't want to offend this woman.
  69. You speak for Jersey Shore Ghost Tours, Devon.
  70. "So then Mary stabbed Cynthia once and threw her out a window."
  71. I can't really defend her grandmother on that one.
  72. Bloody Mary really shouldn't have done that.
  73. "Can I stop? No?"
  74. Just finish it.
  75. "Bloody Mary then walked down the hallway past all the guests who were awoken by the screams, laughing maniacally."
  76. Thank God my grandma never murdered two people and laughed about it.
  77. "She climbed onto the fire escape to the top of the hotel and jumped off."
  78. Don't mention the screams.
  79. "Screaming, 'I'll come back to murder you all. The Jersey Shore will never be safe."
  80. Again, normally this is a nice, creepy story.
  81. Not a heart-breaking tale of a family being ruined.
  82. "So yeah, that was your grandmother."
  83. Tell her the happy part, Devon.
  84. "They found your dad in a vent the next day though!"
  85. Oh God, she's crying. You made her cry.
  86. "Hey, don't cry. They say your grandmother still walks the halls at night laughing, looking to murder hotel guests."
  87. I don't think that makes her feel better.
  88. "Everyone in room 603 feels her presence! And several people have jumped out the window over the years..."
  89. Why would she go on this tour?
  90. I upset her.
  91. I guess ghosts are real.
  92. Just not in the fun way.
  93. "Ok, so... anyone here related to any pirate ghosts? No, right?"