Thoughts of a Google Street View Car Driver as He Panics About the Camera Catching His Hit and Run

  1. Yep, everyone wave at the Google Street View car.
  2. I love this job. I'm like a one man parade.
  3. Everywhere I go people pose and try to impress me, knowing that they will end up on the Internet.
  4. This beats the hell out of Uber.
  5. And I get to tell people I work at Google and not technically be lying.
  6. I do zig-zags through neighborhoods, ideally catching naked people or a murder that some Reddit nerd will discover. It's the best.
  7. Oh, look at this big shirtless dude struggling to get his lawn-mower started.
  8. The internet is going to love this big loser. Look how old and shirtless he is!
  9. Nate, you should really leave him alone. Wait for him to be in a less unflattering position and then drive by.
  10. But the Internet loves discovering stuff on street view, and I am the Spielberg who delivers them their sweet, candid content.
  11. Hurry, before he stops panting so hard-
  12. -WHAT THE- OH. OH NO. OH NO.
  13. I HIT A PARKED FERRARI.
  14. GET OUT. SEE HOW BAD IT IS.
  15. OH NO, IT'S BAD. I SIDE SWIPED THE ENTIRE THING.
  16. OH MAN. I ALREADY HAVE ONE WARNING FROM WHEN I USED THE CAR TO TRY TO FILM AN EXPERIMENTAL SHORT FILM. I CAN'T LOSE MY JOB. THIS JOB IS TOO SWEET.
  17. Leave.
  18. Nate, no. I can't leave.
  19. Just leave. IF THE GUY CAN AFFORD A FERRARI, THEN HE CAN AFFORD TO FIX IT.
  20. THAT SEEMS LIKE A WEAK JUSTIFICATION TO MAKE ME FEEL LESS BAD.
  21. JUST GO.
  22. Oh god, I'm doing it. I'm fleeing.
  23. I just hit and ran. That makes this a hit and run.
  24. No one saw. Maybe lawn mower man, but he didn't get a good look at me.
  25. I think... I think I may get away with this...
  26. Wow. Hahahahaha.
  27. Unless I'm forgetting something I'm good!
  28. OH NO.
  29. THE GIANT 360° CAMERA ON TOP OF THE CAR.
  30. THE ONE THAT CONNECTS TO GOOGLE MAPS, A WIDELY POPULAR INTERNET DESTINATION.
  31. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.
  32. Ok, think, Nate, think. What will that look like on street view?
  33. Probably just driving along a street, getting really close to a Ferrari and then suddenly the Ferrari is damaged as we go away from it.
  34. The Internet will find that.
  35. And I'm on camera staring at the damage.
  36. Like some sort of monster.
  37. I should turn around, right? Report it and deal with the consequences. Google will probably take down the photos if I report it and own up.
  38. Or I destroy the camera.
  39. Nate, no.
  40. HURRY DO IT NOW BEFORE IT UPLOADS TO THE INTERNET.
  41. HOW FAST DOES THAT HAPPEN?
  42. I HAVE TO DESTROY THE CAMERA NOW.
  43. IT'S TOO LATE, NATE. YOU AREN'T FASTER THAN THE INTERNET.
  44. I HAVE TO TRY.
  45. CLIMB ON TOP OF THE CAR. MAYBE YOU CAN DISCONNECT IT.
  46. God, look at this scary camera orb, watching all of us. I don't know what to do. I'm just a driver. I don't know how to shut it off.
  47. It's so large and uncaring, but in a magnetic way that makes me want to impress it.
  48. Nate...
  49. Now there's photos of you staring in the lens.
  50. So street view is going to show a nice suburban street one second and then an extreme close-up of my face.
  51. OH MAN. OH JEEZ. OH BOY.
  52. I have to get away from this camera. The only place I am safe is the car below it. But everywhere the car goes, the camera goes. It sees all. It captures all.
  53. I'm caught.
  54. Wait. What if I update the street view with a new one.
  55. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'll drive past the Ferrari and it'll already be wrecked. Perfect. Then that will be on Google, and I'm in the clear.
  56. Go back to the Ferrari. Turn around. Hurry.
  57. I think...
  58. I think I'm going to get away with this.
  59. COPS ARE NEXT TO THE FERRARI.
  60. Just drive by subtly. Lalala, just an average Google Street View car driver.
  61. LAWN MOWER MAN JUST POINTED AT ME AND RATTED.
  62. DRIVE, DRIVE. DRIVE.
  63. NATE, NO. THIS IS ALL ON CAMERA. THIS HAS BEEN THE PROBLEM ALL ALONG.
  64. OH MAN, THE COPS ARE CHASING ME.
  65. ESCAPE THEM.
  66. NO, NATE, IF I ESCAPE THEM, THE CHASE WILL STILL BE ON STREET VIEW. I'M NOT GETTING AWAY WITH THIS.
  67. Pull over. That's it. I'm done. I'm going to be on the Internet committing a hit and run, driving a distance, staring at the camera, and then running from the police. And I'm going to be arrested.
  68. I didn't make a single good decision today.
  69. This isn't me. The power of the Google Street View car has made me a monster, and now it has been my undoing.
  70. Turn off the car and turn yourself in, Nate.
  71. No, leave the car on. The Internet deserves to see me get tased.