Thoughts of a Groom Who Realizes at the Wedding That the Bride Is Not Improvising Her Vows

  1. I can't believe it's all happening.
  2. God, Beth looks so beautiful.
  3. I get to marry her today. Hahaha, that's so crazy.
  4. The pastor is throwing it to her for the vows.
  5. Glad we decided to just wing these.
  6. Beth is right. We know how we feel about each other. We don't need elaborate vows.
  7. Aw, she said she's loved me since she saw me in my sophomore dorm.
  8. And that I'm what she was looking for since she was born.
  9. Wait, that rhymed.
  10. I mean it was a slant rhyme, but still.
  11. I think...
  12. I think she prepared this ahead of time.
  13. No, Tim, no. You guys talked about this. You agreed to improv it.
  14. She just referenced my "tenacious need to win double dates" and it got a big laugh.
  15. That's a good line.
  16. Too good.
  17. I think she wrote this ahead of time.
  18. But we said we wouldn't.
  19. She keeps repeating the line "and you were there then too," like it's a mantra.
  20. Her vows have a clear story structure.
  21. Everything keeps folding back and connecting.
  22. Also, she just rhymed "eternity" with "you know how I like my tea."
  23. I think Beth definitely wrote this ahead of time.
  24. She's not normally this good at off-the-cuff rhyming.
  25. Well what do I know? Maybe she is and I didn't know it?
  26. Am I marrying someone who is amazing at free-styling?
  27. No, I know Beth. I love Beth. She's not that good at free-styling.
  28. She wrote this.
  29. Oh.
  30. That means I was supposed to write mine too.
  31. Oh Jesus. Oh God. Oh no.
  32. I was just going to try to look into her eyes and be like "You're the best. Let's do this," but now I have to follow an elaborate ode to love.
  33. I'm going to look terrible.
  34. Beth is crying right now. The audience is in tears.
  35. Not cool, Beth.
  36. Ok, Tim, write.
  37. Write in your head. Hurry.
  38. Think beautiful, fully fleshed-out thoughts.
  39. I kind of want to listen to Beth say all these nice things about me though...
  40. NO. YOU DON'T GET TO LISTEN TO HER VOWS. YOU HAVE TO WRITE YOURS.
  41. I'll just have to wait for the wedding DVD.
  42. Do I have to rhyme?
  43. No, right? It's kind of weird that her vows do.
  44. What's, like, an amazing story about Beth that's funny but also heartwarming and perfect, and simultaneously personal to us but also broad enough that the audience will understand?
  45. I should have prepared for this.
  46. I think I should start with a poem.
  47. Tim, you've never written a poem before in your life. You're not going to start now, standing in a gazebo on the beach.
  48. Goddamn ocean needs to shut up. Can't hear myself think.
  49. What if I keep repeating something like "you are the thing" so it seems like I prepared a big long piece?
  50. So I say stuff like "Beth, you are the thing."
  51. I think that's terrible, Tim.
  52. She's going to wrap it up any minute now, and then I have to go.
  53. What are those poems where I use the letters in her name to be like "Beth: B is for bold. E is for energetic?"
  54. No. You can't do that.
  55. T would be for terrific though, with H for...
  56. I don't know what H would be for.
  57. Tim, stop focusing on that. You aren't going to do that.
  58. Can I tell the story of when she was sick but she still came to my intramural softball game with signs? Is that cute?
  59. It doesn't really have an ending, and I shouldn't have had her come. It rained, and she got really sick.
  60. H would be for helpful. Beth is very helpful.
  61. I think my only chance is to cry enough that I pretend I can't make it through my written vows.
  62. Yes, that's good. Think sad thoughts. Hurry.
  63. Old Yeller.
  64. Soldier homecomings.
  65. Season finales of "Friday Night Lights."
  66. The fact that Dad's not here today to see me marry the love of my life.
  67. This is working! I'm beginning to cry!
  68. Oh no. She's done.
  69. "Um."
  70. I'M TOO NERVOUS TO CRY.
  71. "Finally, my turn. Buckle up, everyone."
  72. BUCKLE UP, EVERYONE?!
  73. "Beth is the thing."
  74. This is nonsense.
  75. "B is for bold, because Beth is so bold. E is for..."
  76. GODDAMN IT, WHAT DID "E" STAND FOR?!
  77. "...Easy"
  78. "...on the eyes."
  79. HER GRANDPARENTS ARE JUDGING YOU.
  80. THIS IS WHY YOU MARRY IN THE CHURCH, TIM. PRE-WRITTEN, STANDARD VOWS. CAN'T GO WRONG.
  81. "TisforTerrificandHisforHelpful... Beth is the thing."
  82. This is how I'm starting my marriage.
  83. Oh God, Beth is so cute when she's confused and a little angry.
  84. I just want to kiss her already and be married.
  85. Use that.
  86. "I just want to kiss you already and be married. Beth, you're the best. Let's do this."
  87. Oh good. Beth liked that. And it got a few "aw"s.
  88. "I'm done with my vows now."
  89. Well that was a nightmare.
  90. Good thing I have forever to win her family back.