Thoughts of a Guy Grilling at a BBQ Who Has Forgotten Which of the Patties is Anna's Veggie Burger

  1. "Ok, everyone so I'm going to make all of them with cheese unless you specifically tell me you don't want cheese."
  2. I hate that I have to grill.
  3. But everyone is always like, "Wade will grill. He has a beard and likes meat."
  4. I want to hang out in the pool with everyone else.
  5. I don't know where Kenny and Jess get off inviting me to a barbecue and making me grill. I grilled one time and now I have to do it every barbecue for the rest of my life.
  6. "Anna, do you want cheese on your veggie burger?"
  7. She does.
  8. Anna brought a single veggie patty to this barbecue because she's a vegetarian.
  9. That's so impressive.
  10. I should be a vegetarian strictly because of how prepared it makes you.
  11. Vegetarians are ready.
  12. I forgot to bring a bathing suit for God's sakes. I'm swimming in mesh shorts.
  13. I'll be driving home damp.
  14. There's no way I could be a vegetarian. I couldn't handle all the foresight.
  15. All right, these should be done.
  16. My grill duties are over. Kenny can serve them. It is his party.
  17. Ok, put aside Anna's veggie burger.
  18. Which... Which one is it?
  19. It's the discolored one, Wade.
  20. I know what a veggie burger looks like. I'm not an idiot.
  21. But they are all covered with cheese now.
  22. Goddamn me and my "I'm only going to make cheese" policy.
  23. It was one of these three on the right, I think.
  24. It could be any of them.
  25. Check their bellies.
  26. Bellies? Did you just call the underside of a burger it's "belly?"
  27. Is there a better word?
  28. Yeah, underside of a burger.
  29. You are going to burn them. Inspect their bellies.
  30. That looks pretty black. Doesn't seem brown/green enough to be the veggie patty.
  31. I can't really tell through the slats of the spatula.
  32. Pick them up with your hands, but-
  33. OW, DUDE, HOT.
  34. Wade, these burgers have been hanging on top of fire for fifteen minutes. Be smart.
  35. They are all kind of burnt. Get them onto the plate. Hurry.
  36. Try to separate the ones on the right where we think the veggie patty was-
  37. Ok, now they are even more jumbled.
  38. THIS IS WHY YOU EXILE THE VEGGIE BURGER TO THE VERY CORNER OF THE GRILL, WADE.
  39. Anna brought one burger specifically for herself and now she will have no dinner.
  40. She can eat Doritos.
  41. Don't make Doritos her dinner because you got sloppy with the grill.
  42. I'm flipping all these patties. They all look the same.
  43. I burnt them too much. I can no longer spot the classic brownish green of a veggie patty.
  44. "NO, STAY IN THE POOL. THE BURGERS NEED TO COOL."
  45. Hurry, Wade. Find the veggie patty. Hurry.
  46. Do I...
  47. Do I have to taste them all?
  48. I don't even know what a veggie patty tastes like.
  49. Anna always brags that I wouldn't know the difference.
  50. I think I would know the difference.
  51. Quick, cut off a small slice of each burger.
  52. Tastes like burger.
  53. Tastes like burger.
  54. Tastes like burger.
  55. This isn't working.
  56. I can't have a small slice of fifteen burgers.
  57. Maybe if I hold them up to the sun I'll be able to tell? Like how you find counterfeit money?
  58. A veggie burger is not a counterfeit burger, Wade. That kind of backwards thinking is why everyone assumes you are a grill master.
  59. Tastes like burger.
  60. Tastes like burger.
  61. Tastes like burger.
  62. Maybe I really can't tell the difference.
  63. Maybe... maybe I should become a vegetarian.
  64. Wade, discuss that later.
  65. I ruined Anna's barbecue.
  66. She will have to exist off Doritos and carrots.
  67. I mean...
  68. I could just give her a burger.
  69. WADE, NO.
  70. That's unethical.
  71. SHE WON'T KNOW. SHE SAID IT HERSELF. YOU CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE.
  72. I'M SURE SHE COULD TELL THE DIFFERENCE.
  73. Not if I add a lot of seasoning.
  74. QUICK. MASK THE BURGERS IN SEASONING.
  75. "Like two more minutes. Keep playing Marco Polo."
  76. WADE, YOU MONSTER. YOU CAN'T FEED A VEGETARIAN MEAT BECAUSE YOU MESSED UP.
  77. THAT'S LIKE "INSTANT VILLAIN" LIFE SHIT.
  78. Keep trying the burgers.
  79. Tastes like burger.
  80. Tastes like burger.
  81. Tastes like burger but is also still clearly vegetables!
  82. I found it, I'm pretty sure!
  83. Have another bite.
  84. Yep, that is definitely different, yet not unpleasant.
  85. "Burgers are ready! Anna, I set yours aside!"
  86. Hahahaha I did it.
  87. Wade, you have clearly taken small bites from most of the burgers.
  88. "Um, yes. I tried each burger to test for perfection."
  89. I have disgusted everyone.
  90. I think I don't have to be grill master anymore.
  91. I think I could be a vegetarian.