Thoughts of a Guy Halfway Through "Happy Birthday" Who Realizes He Doesn't Know His Co-Worker's Name

  1. "HAPPY-"
  2. Oh.
  3. Oh no.
  4. I haven't learned this guy's name yet.
  5. This is the one song where you need to know the guy's name.
  6. "BIRTHDAY TO YOU-"
  7. Come on, Jake. You got this. He sits near you. He likes the Cincinnati Reds. You guys have talked on multiple occasions.
  8. What is his name?
  9. His kid's baseball game was rained out yesterday so they went and saw the new Captain America.
  10. He thought it was pretty good, but his son wanted more Spider-Man.
  11. What the hell is his name though?
  12. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY-"
  13. Henry? Hank? Mark? Bart?
  14. I definitely knew it at one point.
  15. His son's name is Cooper. I know his goddamn son's name.
  16. Just don't say his name when it's the [birthday person's name here] part, Jake. Just mutter something.
  17. There's not enough people in the conference room to not say his name.
  18. It'll be obvious. Everyone will know I don't know his name.
  19. "TO YOU."
  20. This song needs more verses.
  21. Kent?
  22. Rich?
  23. Leslie? Like when it's a guy's name?
  24. Jake, focus, he's definitely been on an email chain about the Keller account.
  25. "HAPPY-"
  26. Is he Owen? The Owen from the emails who always says we need to include more securities reports?
  27. One of these guys is Owen.
  28. But I think we've gossiped about how annoying Owen is on those emails together?
  29. Yeah, I've definitely complained to him about Owen before.
  30. "BIRTHDAY-"
  31. God, what is his name?
  32. He's, like, a fun dad type.
  33. He's in a band with a bunch of other businessmen called "Roller Coaster Tiecoon."
  34. What is his goddamn name?
  35. "DEAR-""
  36. Well, you're here, Jake.
  37. What's it going to be?
  38. NONSENSE. GO WITH PANICKED NONSENSE.
  39. Ok.
  40. "HEYNassasaiEN."
  41. Owen. He is Owen.