Thoughts of a Guy Taking a Photo for a Tourist, as the Tourist's Phone Gets a Text That His Dog Died

  1. Oh, that guy is signaling me.
  2. He wants me to take a photo of him and his wife in front of the reflecting pool.
  3. Ugh, I'm not going to do a good job.
  4. This is what I get for thinking I could just eat lunch at the mall.
  5. I'm always like "Ryan, why don't you eat lunch on the mall more often?"
  6. Because the second a tourist sees someone confidentially eating alone, they know he's local.
  7. And if he's local, he is a photo-taker.
  8. Why don't tourists take each other's photos? Seems like a good deal for them.
  9. I should have looked confused as I ate my sandwich so they wouldn't pick me.
  10. Like, that confused guy is probably a tourist as well and isn't suited to take a photo.
  11. "Sure! I'd love to."
  12. And now this stranger gives me his Android.
  13. Tom and his newlywed wife Kathy are on their honeymoon from Kansas.
  14. Why would you go to D.C. for your honeymoon, Tom and Kathy?
  15. How do I work this thing? Where's the...
  16. Oh there it is.
  17. "Which way do you want it?"
  18. Ugh.
  19. Why did they have to say "doesn't matter"?
  20. Now I look like a moron alternating between landscape and portrait trying to see what captures the Washington Monument better.
  21. Just commit to portrait. The Washington Monument is portrait. The Lincoln Memorial is landscape.
  22. "Smile! Say 'democracy!'"
  23. Real cool, Ryan.
  24. Oh, God, they look really bad in this photo.
  25. How do I let them know that they look bad?
  26. Like, hey strangers, you look ugly, so we have to do it again.
  27. "One more!"
  28. Oh wait, the phone just got a notification.
  29. It's a text from Sam, whoever that is.
  30. Oh...
  31. Oh god.
  32. Sam was dog-sitting and did everything Tom told him to do, but when Sam checked on G.W. this morning, he was dead.
  33. What do I do?
  34. Just don't say anything and let him read it.
  35. Oh no, I read it so now there won't be a notification for Tom when I give the photo back.
  36. "A little glare! One more."
  37. Why are you digging yourself deeper, Ryan?!
  38. Maybe I can mark the text as unread? Is that an option?
  39. How the hell do Androids work?
  40. This interface is just not intuitive.
  41. Ok, messages.
  42. Options.
  43. ...
  44. What did I do?
  45. Where's the text?
  46. Oh.
  47. I deleted the text.
  48. What do I do? What do I do?
  49. "So you all like D.C.?"
  50. Yep, this is a dream come true for them. They love American History so much they named their dog after George Washington.
  51. Oh, God. The background on the phone is G.W.
  52. He's adorable.
  53. And now he's so dead.
  54. "Let's take a goofy one!"
  55. Look at Tom, giving Kathy some classic bunny-ears, not a clue in the world that his dog is dead.
  56. Should I just tell them?
  57. Maybe be like "hey speaking of your dog, my intuition says you should check on him."
  58. Is that insane?
  59. Maybe I could text back Sam and be like "send that again."
  60. This is all Sam's fault.
  61. Dogs don't just die.
  62. There's only so many goofy poses Tom and Kathy can do before I have to give their phone back.
  63. Ok, take a bunch of photos real quick. You only took one and told them you've taken like twenty.
  64. Where is camera?
  65. Why is photos different from camera?
  66. Oh, here it is.
  67. Take a bunch.
  68. Capture them when they were blissfully unaware their dog died.
  69. I should tell them G.W. died.
  70. They deserve to know.
  71. Ryan. They need to know.
  72. No, Sam will text again.
  73. Also, Sam, you should have called. Dog dying is a call, not a text.
  74. Fish dying is a text.
  75. I wonder if Sam is a guy or a girl.
  76. "Here you go! Hope you have a great trip!"
  77. Oh, they are shaking my hand.
  78. Like I'm some sort of hero.
  79. Ryan, tell them.
  80. You'd want to know.
  81. "Hey Tom and Kathy? I know you're going to be late to your Segway tour, but.."
  82. But, what, Ryan? "I got a text that your dog died and then I deleted it and took a bunch of photos where you pretend to use the Washington Monument as a pencil?"
  83. How can I explain that.
  84. "Um, make sure you check out the Newseum. It's really impressive."
  85. They just seem so happy.
  86. Tom just got a text.
  87. Go, Ryan, go.
  88. Oh, man. Tom just loudly asked Kathy what Sam meant by "what do I do with his body?"