Thoughts of a Guy Trying to See How Much of His Roommate's Ice Cream He Can Eat Without Him Noticing

  1. Just shave off a layer.
  2. Mike will never know.
  3. Or I leave it alone.
  4. No. His Cookies and Cream has been in the Freezer for weeks.
  5. He doesn't appreciate what he has in there.
  6. Get a spoon and delicately take off a centimeter wide top sheet.
  7. Perfect.
  8. Just a little sliver of ice cream to whet my appetite.
  9. I...
  10. I want more.
  11. NO. HE WILL NOTICE.
  12. WILL HE?! WILL HE NOTICE?! HE HAD THAT SWEET AND SOUR PORK IN THE FRIDGE FOR TWO WEEKS AND HAD TO THROW IT AWAY ONCE IT GOT GROSS. I COULD HAVE BEEN SECRETLY EATING THAT THE ENTIRE TIME.
  13. I'm going to take another layer of ice cream.
  14. You've been taking a layer every two hours for the last three days. It's going to add up.
  15. NOT IF IT'S THIN LAYERS.
  16. Don't make a big indent. Don't make a big indent.
  17. Oh God. I took a big scoop by accident. The spoon got tripped up on a cookie blob.
  18. God, I love it when all the cookie bits form together to make a giant cookie ball in the ice cream.
  19. I guess I just love cookies.
  20. WHY DID YOU EAT THE BIG COOKIE BLOB?!
  21. It's fine-
  22. NOW YOU CAN SEE THE BOTTOM OF THE CONTAINER.
  23. I GOT TOO GREEDY. I TOOK TOO MUCH.
  24. Quick, try to cover it up with the ice cream from the sides.
  25. HE'S HOME. HE GOT HOME.
  26. SHUT THE FREEZER. POCKET THE SPOON.
  27. The spoon's got ice cream on it. I don't want that in my jeans-
  28. POCKET THE SPOON, DIVA.
  29. "Oh hey, Mike. How was work today?"
  30. Oh God. Oh God. I clearly ate his ice cream.
  31. I can't blame this one on a rat like his Easter basket.
  32. Unless I find some Gothamist article about Fridge Rats.
  33. "Oh, Jenny is coming over and you guys are going to make dinner? Sounds neat. Hey, I'm going to run to the bodega. Want anything?"
  34. REPLACE THE ICE CREAM. REPLACE THE ICE CREAM.
  35. I DO NOT KNOW MIKE WELL ENOUGH TO BE EATING HIS ICE CREAM.
  36. Sprint to the place on the corner. Mike and his girlfriend are for sure going to check out the ice cream tonight!
  37. CHECK THE LITTLE BODEGA FRIDGE.
  38. DIG THROUGH THE HUNDREDS OF CHERRY GARCIA PINTS.
  39. PHISH FOOD, AMERICONE DREAM, TINA FEY'S ONE.
  40. WHERE THE HELL IS NORMAL COOKIES AND CREAM?!
  41. HEY, BEN AND JERRY'S, GIVE ME SOME NORMAL ICE CREAM WITHOUT POP CULTURE SHOEHORNED IN.
  42. I found it!
  43. PAY FOR IT. HURRY.
  44. Why don't I buy ice cream more? It's right on the corner.
  45. Because only a maniac buys a whole thing of ice cream. I only ever want a taste.
  46. "KEEP THE CHANGE."
  47. Sprint home and replace the ice cream before Mike's girlfriend comes and they take over the kitchen and judge me when I heat up a Lean Cuisine as they experiment with Tasty recipes.
  48. I'M HOME.
  49. Wait. This ice cream is too new. He'll know.
  50. I have to eat half of this ice cream.
  51. But I just ate half a pint-
  52. EAT THE GODDAMN ICE CREAM, DENNIS.
  53. Go into your room and shove down half the ice cream with the spoon that's still in your pocket.
  54. Oh God. This is too much ice cream.
  55. I don't want it. Oh God.
  56. I could flush it down the toilet.
  57. Well, that's a waste.
  58. Yeah, but if it's so much, I don't have to eat-
  59. Of course I have to eat it. It's ice cream.
  60. BRAIN FREEZE. OH, IT'S TERRIBLE.
  61. KEEP EATING THE ICE CREAM.
  62. I think this is enough.
  63. No, MIKE WILL KNOW THERE'S TOO MUCH.
  64. HE WILL DEMAND TO KNOW WHERE THE EXTRA ICE CREAM CAME FROM.
  65. Keep eating. Keep eating.
  66. Ok, this was probably the level he left it at.
  67. Have a thin layer just to be sure.
  68. Wait, dig for that cookie chunk.
  69. God, this is good.
  70. Ok, now replace it-
  71. DAMN IT. Jenny arrived. They are making Chicken Poppers four ways.
  72. Hide the pint behind your back.
  73. "Hey, gotta grab a Lean Cuisine from the fridge."
  74. They are both looking at me, like, "why did you announce that?"
  75. Find a distraction.
  76. "You know when Tasty tells you how to make things four ways, you don't have to make them all four ways."
  77. Ok, quickly, while they roll their eyes, throw in the new ice cream.
  78. It looks too new. It doesn't have enough ice cream leaking down the sides.
  79. Swear some ice cream on the outside. Quick.
  80. Grab the old pint.
  81. What do I do? What do I do?
  82. I'm going to throw it down the hallway.
  83. What? No, don't throw it down-
  84. "No, I didn't hear anything in the hallway."
  85. Mike just asked Jenny to check if they still had ice cream left.
  86. Quick, run away. Find a new apartment.
  87. She said the ice cream is gross.
  88. And she threw it away.
  89. Damn it. I could have eaten more of that ice cream.