Thoughts of a Guy Whose Friends Told a Waitress It Was His Birthday, as He is Forced Into the Lie

  1. "Yo, the bathrooms at this place have crazy sinks."
  2. I like telling people about unusual sinks in bathrooms because at first they ignore you and then later they see them and come out all, "You're right! That sink is nuts."
  3. I think Kevin ate some of my ravioli while I was in the bathroom.
  4. But he didn't eat enough for me to call him out on it.
  5. That's probably why he's just smiling and staring at me.
  6. Ugh, the waitress is bringing out a birthday cake.
  7. Now I have to smile politely and clap for a stranger.
  8. I don't know this person. Why would I clap for them? They could be a monster.
  9. Wait, the waitress looking at me.
  10. Did...
  11. Oh no.
  12. Oh God.
  13. My friends told her it was my birthday when I was in the bathroom.
  14. It is very much not my birthday.
  15. Oh no. Oh no. oh no.
  16. All of the waiters are congregating, like I am at the center of some sort of waiter summit.
  17. Why is wishing happy birthday the one thing waiters do together? They carry so many dishes by themselves but suddenly become a band when it's a birthday.
  18. This is why you never go to the bathroom when you are out to dinner with friends.
  19. Stop it, Donnie. Nip this in the bud. Tell the waiters your birthday is months away.
  20. No, that would just embarrass the waiters.
  21. This terrible prank has enslaved me.
  22. I have no choice but to lie.
  23. My friends have turned me into a liar.
  24. They are singing. They are singing to me. They are singing a knockoff Birthday song that basically just repeats the words "Happy, Happy, Happy" with the occasional "Birthday" thrown in.
  25. Kevin, Ben, and Rich are loving this.
  26. Look at their stupid faces.
  27. These traitors will get none of the chocolate cake their lies paid for.
  28. Say something, Donnie.
  29. "Wow, thank you."
  30. They can tell. They know it's not my birthday. They know I'm a liar. I'm going to be arrested.
  31. God, what if they check ID?
  32. Act like you've earned this, Donnie. Act like you're someone who was born today.
  33. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT. I'M A MAY BABY. I CAN'T JUST ACT LIKE A SEPTEMBER PERSON.
  34. Yeah, keep smiling.
  35. Ok, blow out the candles.
  36. Make a wish.
  37. DO NOT MAKE A WISH ON A FAKE BIRTHDAY. THAT WILL CURSE YOU FOR LIFE.
  38. "Thank you so much. This looks delicious."
  39. The waitress wants to know how old I am.
  40. "Um.... twenty.... three."
  41. Donnie, you're 28. Why didn't you just say your actual age? You didn't need to lie about that.
  42. She's wondering if I have any birthday plans.
  43. I've been thrust into an improv scene, and I want out.
  44. "Um, just dinner and drinks. Tomorrow we are going up to a cabin, so that'll be fun."
  45. A cabin? Abort. Abort. Just end this.
  46. "But yep. It's my Birthday. Thanks."
  47. I hate Kevin, Ben, and Rich. They are not my friends.
  48. New rule: if you do the fake birthday prank on someone, you have to actually get them presents on their real birthday.
  49. The waitress asked where our cabin is.
  50. She knows.
  51. I got got.
  52. She's been pranked every night and is finally making sure only the deserving get a free slice of cake.
  53. "Um, it's up in the Pocanos. It's my uncle's place, but he doesn't get up there anymore because he just remarried this woman with a bunch of young kids. He's trying to get them to call him dad, but they keep calling him Frank. We try to tell him that it's an adjustment period and he can't just become somebody's dad but-"
  54. Stop, Donnie. Stop lying. Just eat your cake.
  55. "-he keeps insisting. He says he's going to sell the Jetskis at the cabin to pay for all of their hockey equipment, but we hope not. Not because we were hoping to go Jet Skiing this weekend of course. It's too cold. That would be ridiculous. We are bringing board games for fun. All the standards. Monopoly, Taboo,-"
  56. Donnie, you're fine. Just end this. Let the poor waitress leave. She will not take away your cake.
  57. "-Operation. Oh, that reminds me: Rich, bring batteries for Operation. Four AAs please. Rich here is a surgeon in real life, but he's terrible at Operation. We have a good time laughing at the irony, but-"
  58. Rich works in corporate at Anthropologie.
  59. "-for real, we are definitely going to my grandad's cabin. I mean my Uncle's, I mean-"
  60. Jesus, Donnie, what is wrong with you?
  61. "FINE, OK! IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY. RICH ISN'T A SURGEON. I DON'T HAVE AN UNCLE, well I do but he doesn't have a cabin or a new family. YOU CAUGHT ME! TAKE BACK THIS CAKE. I DIDN'T WANT TO BE A PART OF THIS LIE BUT THEY FORCED MY HAND WHILE I WAS IN THE BATHROOM."
  62. This waitress seems to have been happier with me lying.
  63. "I'M SORRY. I SHOULD HAVE SPOKEN UP. I SHOULDN'T HAVE REMAINED SILENT. AND NOW WE'RE HERE AND I CAN BLAME OTHER PEOPLE BUT HONESTLY IT'S ON ME BECAUSE I COULD HAVE STOPPED IT."
  64. The waitress says they already cut the cake and it doesn't affect her if it's actually my birthday or not.
  65. "Oh, thank you."
  66. This is the second most embarrassed I've ever been while eating Birthday Cake.