Thoughts of a Hostess Who Accidentally Turned On All of The "Your Table Is Ready" Buzzers At Once

  1. Wait, what button did I press?
  2. What did I do? This system is not intuitive.
  3. Oh God, I did it.
  4. I turned them all on.
  5. All of the buzzers are buzzing.
  6. Oh no, here they come.
  7. Here comes everyone.
  8. So many families.
  9. Oh God, oh God. What have I done?
  10. It's Friday night at an overseated Outback Steakhouse in Westborough, Massachusetts, and I just turned on buzzers for all 14 parties that are waiting.
  11. Well. I guess I gotta... hostess.
  12. "Attention everyone, hi! I'm Ashley. You may notice your buzzers are going off, but there was an error, and only the Larkin, party of two, table is ready. In the meantime please help yourself to toothpicks and mints."
  13. Ashley, for God's sakes, turn off the buzzers.
  14. I don't know how to do that. Pushing "all" on and off isn't working.
  15. Why does this transmitter even have an "all" option? That's a terrible idea.
  16. None of their tables are even remotely ready.
  17. It's an hour wait.
  18. Which means it's only a 45-50 minute wait, but still.
  19. This is the place to be on a weekend night in the suburbs.
  20. "No, I understand that the buzzer normally means your table is ready, but, like I said, it is not."
  21. The buzzers in the shelf I didn't hand out yet are vibrating onto the floor.
  22. This shelf is raining buzzers.
  23. This is terrible.
  24. I really don't want to have to call George.
  25. "Hi, yes, McCarthy, party of six, I know this lobby is cramped but as you may have noticed, we are having a buzzer problem. Why yes, I understand why that would make you furious."
  26. Press the "reset" button.
  27. Oh man, it's like they are buzzing more.
  28. Why is vibrating so loud? Vibrating is supposed to take the place of noise.
  29. "Larken, party of two, please just go find that empty table. It's near the back. I need to see to this buzzer situation."
  30. So many people screaming at me.
  31. "Yes, Jane, party of three, I agree this is unfortunate, but I am not in a position to hand out free Blooming Onions."
  32. Everyone was just waiting for an excuse to be angry at this Outback Steakhouse.
  33. It's not my fault the entire Westborough High School baseball team and their families all showed up at once.
  34. It is my fault that all the buzzers are buzzing.
  35. Focus on this little screen thing here.
  36. I guess I... I guess I just push all the buttons.
  37. Ashley, you can't just push all the buttons and hope things work out. This isn't the Mortal Combat arcade game in Paul Peterson's basement.
  38. I'm doing it.
  39. "Hi, welcome to Outback Steakhouse. How many are in your party? 12? Yeah, it'll probably be like a five hour wait. You'll just go to Chilis? Yeah, that makes sense."
  40. Wait, I did it!
  41. I turned them off.
  42. "Everyone my apologies for the buzzer snafu, please enjoy waiting in our shaded outside area overlooking the Gamestop and the parking lot.
  43. Oh thank God. Another table is ready. Buzzer 11. Keller, party of four.
  44. I'm scared to press buzzer 11.
  45. Just do it, Ashley.
  46. They all went off again.
  47. And... everyone is coming back in.
  48. All the buzzers are connected. I have somehow merged the buzzers.
  49. I've broken the whole system.
  50. Don't call George, Ashley.
  51. "Hey wow, seems like the buzzer situation is still happening, so we are going to go by the old 'I say your name out loud' system. Keller, party of four, right this way."
  52. "I SAID, KELLER, PARTY OF FOUR. I KNOW IT'S HARD TO HEAR OVER THE BUZZING."
  53. So many flashing lights.
  54. This lobby is like a rave, only the music is the screams of angry suburban parents.
  55. The shelf buzzers are moving all over the floor like mice.
  56. "Hi, McCarthy, party of six, yes, I do remember you from two minutes ago. As you can see, I'm a 17-year-old high schooler desperately trying to handle a situation I never thought I'd be in, so if you could take a seat at the one bench we have, that would be great."
  57. I have to call George.
  58. NO, ASHLEY, NO. He will fire you.
  59. This is not worth saving up for a car.
  60. All my friends drive. I don't need a car.
  61. Yeah, but I can't keeps making Paul Peterson pick me up. It's not fair to either of us. I mean, like, what even are we?
  62. "Would any children like any crayons? We have four colors. No? Everyone just wants a table? Ok."
  63. This was so many people's Friday night, and I have ruined that.
  64. "The buzzers are giving you a headache, ma'am? Me too. Everyone, I will gladly collect your buzzers and maybe put them in a bag far away from here?"
  65. You don't have enough hands for all those buzzers, Ashley.
  66. Stop trying to juggle everyone's buzzers, Ashley.
  67. You are dropping buzzers, Ashley.
  68. George is here. You are very fired, Ashley.
  69. "For the many of you who were asking to see my manager, this is George."
  70. George knew exactly how to turn off all the buzzers.
  71. And he has the authority to give everyone a free Chocolate Thunder From Down Under.
  72. McCarthy, Party of Six, want him to fire me.
  73. Just do it, George. You disapprove of my upper-cartilage piercing anyway.
  74. He says he will take it under advisement.
  75. So now I have to finish working knowing I'm going to be fired.
  76. I don't need a car.
  77. "You know what."
  78. Ashley, don't, you need this job.
  79. "McCarthy, party of six, you are at an Outback Steakhouse on a Friday night, and yes, the food is surprisingly great, and yes, the knives are big and that's cool, but your buzzer going off early and you being told to wait didn't exactly ruin your fancy night on the town."
  80. Ashley, stop or the chefs won't let you eat leftovers.
  81. "And you, Jane, party of three, you have three people. It's going to be a pain to seat you. You should know you have to wait."
  82. Ashley, you cannot be fired. You need money for your prom ticket because Paul Peterson sure as hell isn't paying for it.
  83. "Oh, and Norman, party of one, wherever you are, just sit at the goddamn bar."
  84. "George, I quit."
  85. Hell yeah, Ash.
  86. Now I have to wait in the corner of the parking lot till someone picks me up.