Thoughts of a Man at a Super Bowl Party Who Tries to Get the Dorito Bowl Moved to Where He's Sitting

  1. Oh, dang, what did Donna just put over on the other coffee table?
  2. "What you got over there?"
  3. Doritos.
  4. "What kind?"
  5. Nacho cheese.
  6. It's an Incomplete pass. I'm getting up to get some 'ritos!
  7. Should I just make a plate of Doritos?
  8. Na, just grab a fistful and mosey back to your seat before the next play.
  9. God, Doritos are good.
  10. Especially the ones that come in the big bag. They are so big and full of flavor.
  11. I want more.
  12. I can't get up and get more. They are all the way across the room, and I literally just got more.
  13. Travis, you have a bowl on your end table. Enjoy it.
  14. It's pretzels. I'm sitting next to the pretzels.
  15. All the good snacks are across the room.
  16. We have pretzels and cold mozzarella at our end table.
  17. I sat here because this was where the mozzarella sticks were.
  18. That was so short-sighted. Mozzarella sticks have a ten minute shelf life. What was I thinking?
  19. I'm getting more Doritos.
  20. "Oh relax, I'm barely in the way, and it's a car commercial without any celebrities."
  21. That was stupid, Travis. You can't block the TV during commercials.
  22. I'll have to be more careful.
  23. Ok, how many Doritos am I going to want?
  24. Probably just a handful.
  25. Cool.
  26. Now I'm stuck over here until the commercials end.
  27. Ok, real quick, it's the Geico logo at the end of a commercial. Sprint.
  28. HURRY TRAVIS, A BUDWEISER COMMERICIAL IS STARTING.
  29. And I'm back.
  30. Keith and Jessica were really nice to have everyone over.
  31. They have so many couches.
  32. No one is drinking the Coors Light I brought.
  33. Oh well. It was a gesture.
  34. I'm already out of Doritos.
  35. Why did I think a handful would be enough?
  36. I can't get up again. I've made two Doritos trips in the last three minutes.
  37. Unless I went to the bathroom and casually grabbed some Doritos on the way back.
  38. Why am I eating these pretzels? Pretzels are nothing.
  39. What if I switched the pretzel bowl with the Dorito bowl?
  40. Is that acceptable?
  41. Only John seems to be enjoying the Doritos.
  42. Plus, they have Tostitos and guac. They probably won't even notice.
  43. I feel like that's too bold of a move, and everyone will hate me.
  44. What kind of person swaps bowls?
  45. I mean it's really just spreading the wealth.
  46. No one has had the pretzels, and pretzels are awesome.
  47. Yes. Pretzels are awesome.
  48. Do I announce the switch or try to do it subtlety?
  49. I'm just going to casually do it.
  50. "Oh come on, that's a catch. Julio had both feet in. They should challenge that. Really, they should."
  51. Don't make eye contact with everyone. You're across the room with the pretzel bowl. Swap it out. No one will notice.
  52. "Oh thank God. That's a good challenge. That'll be reversed."
  53. Sit down with the Dorito bowl.
  54. And finally look up.
  55. Everyone is staring at me.
  56. John wants to know if I really just switched the Doritos bowl with the pretzel bowl.
  57. "I wanted to spread the wealth."
  58. Caroline says it's because I clearly want Doritos.
  59. "I mean, yeah, I like Doritos, but I feel like your side of the room has had them for almost an entire quarter, and it's our couch's turn to get Doritos. Right, Dan?"
  60. Dan, have my back. I got Doritos for our couch, man. I took one for the team.
  61. Dan just said he doesn't like Doritos and was enjoying the pretzels.
  62. Dan's been using every timeout to go make a new plate of buffalo chicken dip from across the room, and now he's not going to have my back?
  63. "Well, what about Carrie? Carrie, you think a bowl switch was in order for our couch, right?"
  64. Carrie said that she has no allegiance to our couch and this was just the only open seat.
  65. Well, I'm never picking Carrie for game night ever again.
  66. "Yeah, and you know why it was the only open seat? Because we don't have Keith and Jessica over here so we have the second rate snacks."
  67. Travis, calm down, you're talking over a Snickers commercial with Adam Driver.
  68. "You all know it's true. Yes, we did get the mozzarella sticks. But other than that? Pretzels and celery. And we don't even have ranch for celery, because you all have the ranch for the Ruffles. YES, JESSICA, I KNOW I COULD MAKE A PLATE. THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT."
  69. You shouldn't have swapped bowls, Travis. It's the Super Bowl. It's too big a stage.
  70. "ALL I'M SAYING IS WE ARE CLEARLY THE BAD COUCH WITH THE BAD SNACKS, AND I FELT LIKE WE DESERVED THE DORITOS."
  71. Wait. Keith just left the kitchen with a whole new platter.
  72. It's wings.
  73. Everyone is staring at Keith.
  74. Keith is staring at us.
  75. God damn it. If I had held on to the pretzels, we'd clearly be the favorite to get the wings.
  76. What's Keith gonna do here?
  77. Oh, Keith is kicking me out of his apartment. That makes sense.