Thoughts of a Man Who Showed Up to a Job Interview Too Early & Ran Into His Interviewer at Starbucks

  1. I'm an hour and a half early.
  2. Why am I an hour and a half early? That's too early.
  3. Well, there's a Starbucks next door.
  4. What if I run into my interviewer here?
  5. Calm down, Fred. Fears like that never come true.
  6. Guess I get a coffee and stare at my résumé for an hour and a half.
  7. And then I make my way up the office building like twenty minutes early?
  8. I should get something. I don't want to get anything, but I can't let Starbucks know I'm wasting time. That feels rude.
  9. What's the cheapest thing I can get? Like a coffee? Like a small regular coffee? Can I order it like that? I don't see "regular coffee" up there? Is it blonde? Or Colombian? Which is normal coffee? I didn't think to look this up in my interview prep.
  10. "Hi, I'll have a small regular coffee."
  11. They knew what I meant.
  12. God, I'm nervous. My stomach is freaking out. I'm not going to drink this coffee. This coffee is just a prop, nothing more.
  13. Starbucks should sell an empty cup for people who are transparently just waiting for a job interview to start.
  14. Find a corner. It's so crowded. Awesome! The only empty table is in the corner. Now sit for an hour and twenty minutes.
  15. I'm not qualified for this job.
  16. No one is qualified for any job.
  17. Jobs are insane. I don't want one.
  18. You need one, Fred.
  19. You're meeting with the VP of Digital Development at MTV2. This would be a good job.
  20. I googled him. Trent Keller. He seems cool. He has a cool beard. I got this.
  21. La la la.
  22. I shouldn't have changed the font on my résumé. I just did that to change something.
  23. Stop. Don't psych yourself out.
  24. I should start listening to a new podcast.
  25. No, because then I have to be a completist about it, and I have to listen to the entire catalog, and it's just a whole-
  26. Oh God.
  27. That's him. Trent Keller. My interviewer. He just walked in. With the beard and everything.
  28. Oh man, oh man, oh man. He's going to know I showed up an hour and a half early. That's too early.
  29. Hide, right?
  30. Yes, hide.
  31. Line for the bathroom?
  32. Yep, line for the bathroom.
  33. He's in line to get drinks. You can escape.
  34. No, he will see.
  35. What do I do? What do I do?
  36. THIS IS WHY YOU FAIL INTERVIEWS, FRED. YOU ARE A POOR DECISION MAKER.
  37. Just hide in your corner. He will grab his drink and go up to his office.
  38. He got his drink. Now leave, Trent Keller, VP of Digital Development at MTV2, leave! I will see you in an hour and 15 minutes.
  39. Why is he walking this way?
  40. Hide your folder quick.
  41. He's walking right towards me.
  42. Hide your face. Look unmemorable. Make it so he won't recognize you in an hour.
  43. Does he know who I am? Did he look ME up?
  44. He asked if anyone is sitting here? He just needs a place to sit for a minute.
  45. "No, go ahead."
  46. Oh this is terrible.
  47. I have to say something.
  48. SAY SOMETHING, FRED, OR ELSE HE IS GOING TO BE LIKE "Why didn't you say anything when I sat across from you an hour ago at Starbucks, you psychopath?"
  49. "Um, I think-"
  50. He looked up. He just registered my face. I have been seen. I can't be unseen.
  51. Oh, no Trent just apologized for interrupting my coffee. He is going on and on about how he has been interviewing potential applicants all day, and he just needs a minute to unwind outside the office.
  52. Shut up, Trent. Shut up. I need to explain.
  53. "That sounds rough."
  54. WHAT, FRED? WHAT? "That sounds rough?" not "oh wow, I actually think I may be one of those applicants."
  55. Oh, no. He's unloading on me about how rough it is. He hates judging people. He doesn't think he can do it anymore. If he has to interview one more person, he is going to lose his mind.
  56. Man, he's really confiding in a stranger. This is a lot.
  57. Oh, he's leaving.
  58. Say something.
  59. Oh, God, he just said "thanks for listening. It was more helpful than you'll ever know."
  60. He's gone. He left my table.
  61. I missed my chance.
  62. I have to go interview with that man in an hour.
  63. Well, no, of course I'm not going to do that. I am no longer going to that interview.
  64. I'm going to email him and tell him I got sick.
  65. Dear... Mr. Keller... I am sick.
  66. That's not good. You can't just say "I'm sick." Use like "ill," or "under the-"
  67. An email notification.
  68. It's from him, Trent Keller, VP of Digital Development at MTV2.
  69. He said he is sick and can't interview anymore.
  70. He sent that from the counter of this Starbucks where he just ordered a chocolate croissant.
  71. I'm looking at him. He's putting his phone away.
  72. I guess I go home?
  73. The job search sucks.