Thoughts of a Man Whose Idea It Was to Do a Work Retreat Ropes Course, So He Really Can't Complain

  1. We are pretty high up, huh?
  2. "All right everyone, listen to our Adventure Guide Ken! I may be your VP of Sales, but he is the VP of the Trees!"
  3. Ken is an expert. Ken is not scared. Ken will look out for you.
  4. Look how game Alice is. I did not think she'd make it all the way up here.
  5. "Way to go, Alice! Climbing to the top just like you climbed to the top of Accounts Payable!"
  6. What a fun idea this is!
  7. Great idea, Tim.
  8. Much better idea than a work retreat to an improv class.
  9. This is fun. I'm having fun. Everything is fun.
  10. I'm ok. I trust the ropes.
  11. The trees though...
  12. "I'm sorry, Ken, did you say we are going to zip line and then walk across the ropes?"
  13. "No that sounds so amazing. Just making sure I heard you correct. Let's give it up for Adventure Guide Ken!"
  14. Well.
  15. So, this is pretty scary, huh?
  16. Yeah, we are hanging from ropes attached to trees in a forest. This is so scary.
  17. I didn't really think about the fear aspect when I booked the trip for the office.
  18. "You all right, Rob? We're a long way from the break room up here!"
  19. Stop projecting on Rob, Tim.
  20. Rob bikes to work. He's probably loving this ropes course.
  21. "She organizes Secret Santa AND she's the first to zip line?! LET'S GO, ANGELA!"
  22. Why isn't Angela terrified? She has kids.
  23. Oh boy, Angela is zipping fast.
  24. "Does someone down there catch her? I don't want to lose our beloved work mom!"
  25. Ken says Sully is at the other tree waiting to catch us.
  26. Who is Sully?
  27. I don't know Sully.
  28. Was this whole thing the best idea?
  29. Yes. This is wonderful. We are bonding as a team.
  30. "Good luck, Herb! I call your leftover tuna salad in the fridge if you don't make it! Haha."
  31. I am freaking out.
  32. We are too high up, and ropes are just thick strings.
  33. You know what else are ropes?
  34. Shoelaces. Shoelaces get untied.
  35. "Alice! Woo woo! Ally, I'm so proud of you."
  36. Alice says this is the best day of her life, and she never knew she had this in her.
  37. Is Alice cooler than me?
  38. Alice cried at the company picnic because someone with a last name starting with N-Z brought an appetizer.
  39. I can't look scared. I can't hate this. This was all me. I forced Mr. Roberts to approve the expense.
  40. We're going to have to do trust falls later, aren't we?
  41. This was a bad idea.
  42. We work at a vending machine distributor. We don't need to hang from ropes together.
  43. But this will get us closer.
  44. Tim, this will not get you closer.
  45. Companies will buy vending machines regardless of whether or not the people selling them have faced death together.
  46. Look at Ricky and Samantha go. They are laughing. Maybe this is fun.
  47. This isn't fun. This is just a hard thing for them to explain to mom if I die.
  48. Adventure Guide Ken won't let me die. Adventure Guide Ken has a ponytail. Nature won't betray Adventure Guide Ken.
  49. "REBECCA, OUR TOP SALESMAN! THE VENDING MA-QUEEN OF SALES! LET'S GO!"
  50. Rebecca is a brave warrior, and I am a coward.
  51. It's just me and Rob left.
  52. This is why we need to hire more people.
  53. Plus, school acquisitions aren't going to create themselves.
  54. The healthy food initiative has been tough for the vending machine industry.
  55. "No. I'm not nervous, Rob. Why would you ask me that?"
  56. Smile. Smile, Tim.
  57. Rob is gone.
  58. It's just me and Ken.
  59. "Yeah, this harness feels loose. I think we have a real loose harness here hahaha. Please fix my loose harness please hahaha. Make sure it's tight, Adventure Guide Ken."
  60. Oh man, I have to go.
  61. I hear them chanting "Tim" from the other tree.
  62. I've been talking about this fucking ropes course for months.
  63. Everyone knows that the ropes course idea is like my thing.
  64. I need to be having fun.
  65. When Sully catches me, I need to be having the time of my goddamn life.
  66. This is a dumb work outing.
  67. We could have gone to one of those pottery painting places.
  68. I could have a frog vase instead of dangling from tall sticks.
  69. Tim, stop stalling and go.
  70. Just don't scream.
  71. "Adventure Guide Ken, I am scared."
  72. He knows.
  73. Ok, here we go.
  74. "WEEEEEEEEEEEE-OH GOD-HAHAHA-WHAT A RUSH THIS IS."
  75. THIS IS NOT FUN.
  76. "AAAAAAHHH!! I LOVE HOW LONG THIS ZIP LINE IS!"
  77. I FEEL LIKE I AM BEING SLOWLY DROPPED BY ROPES.
  78. "WHAT A FUN WORK RETREAT!"
  79. I AM BONDING WITH NO ONE. I AM ALONE UP HERE.
  80. WHO IS THIS? IS THIS SULLY? SULLY CAN'T STOP ME. I'M GOING TOO FAST.
  81. Sully stopped me.
  82. "Hey guys! Wow, the wind in your eyes really makes you tear up, huh? So what's next? More ropes? Yes, finally. Yay!"
  83. I have three more hours of this hell.
  84. WINE TASTING.
  85. Next work retreat, we are going on a wine tasting.