1. Oh...
  2. Oh my god.
  3. No, it can't be. Double check the numbers.
  4. This can't be happening.
  5. These are the same numbers. Keep checking, but I think I won.
  6. I won $1.4 billion.
  7. Holy shit.
  8. Everything is different now. What is anything? What do I do? I've thought about this in a thought exercise kind of way, but not in a real way. This doesn't feel real. Nothing feels real. This is totally insane.
  9. I won $1.4 billion.
  10. Oh my God, my loans. I'm going to pay my student loans. Oh my God. And I'll buy like an island also, but mostly my loans.
  11. I have to call Dave. Dave's going to lose his mind.
  12. My hands are shaking. I can barely find Dave's name.
  13. "Siri, call Dave for me!"
  15. That confused her.
  16. "Siri, call Dave Hunter."
  17. Holy shit. Pick up. Pick up. Pick up.
  18. Wait...
  19. Dave didn't come to my art show last year.
  20. Hang up.
  21. Dave is going to want a lot of money. He's going to try to get me to invest in his restaurant.
  22. But he didn't go to my art show.
  23. Ok, Edgar, slow down. Dave is a good friend.
  24. He couldn't make it to Brooklyn that weekend because of a family thing.
  25. At least that's what he said.
  26. Ok, I'm going to call Laura. Laura will be so excited!
  27. "Siri, call Laura!"
  29. Wait, did Laura come to my show?
  30. I know she marked attending on Facebook, but was she actually there?
  31. She always supported my art even if it was obvious she didn't really "get" it.
  32. But I don't think she went.
  33. And she lives in Bushwick.
  34. Maybe I should call Maura.
  35. Maura was there.
  36. "Siri, call Maura."
  38. Oh wait, no Maura was not there. She specifically texted me and said she was feeling sick, even though she snapchatted herself at a concert the next day.
  39. Hey, snapchatters, don't snap concerts. They look terrible over the phone.
  40. I wonder if I could buy Snapchat.
  41. Anyway, Maura skipped my art show.
  42. She's not getting a cent.
  43. Ok, who went to my show?
  44. Luke and Gabby came. I'll give each a million.
  45. Paul was there for like a second, so he gets a new house.
  46. Arielle stayed all night. I didn't even think she knew about my show.
  47. Arielle gets fifty million dollars.
  48. Ken was there, but he said my work was derivative and that at this point "attacking capitalism by subverting consumer icons was hackneyed."
  49. It was a painting of Mickey Mouse as Hitler with Coca Cola cans as his Nazis. It was art, goddamnit.
  50. Hey, Ken, I could have paid to get your lazy eye fixed.
  51. Not anymore.
  52. Zach and all those guys from art school didn't go, so nothing for them.
  53. Was Elena there?
  54. I want to say yes?
  55. But I can't be sure.
  56. She gets $10,000.
  57. My mom went, but my dad didn't because he doesn't think being an artist is a "viable career option."
  58. I wonder if I could somehow give Mom money without giving Dad any.
  59. She'll probably share it with him.
  60. She's nice like that, and he's her husband.
  61. Edgar, stop.
  62. You are being petty.
  63. You won literally two minutes ago.
  64. So what if some of your friends didn't come to your own art show, a show that Time Out New York listed as "a thing that's happening."
  65. They are still your friends.
  66. And you better believe they will come to the opening of my multi-million dollar art gallery.
  67. If I invite them.
  68. Holy shit.
  69. I won $1.4 billion.
  70. My art is going to sell for so much now.