Thoughts of a Royal British Guard on a Day Where No One Tries to Make Him Smile

  1. Just four hours of standing outside Buckingham Palace in complete silence.
  2. Not going to smile or laugh today, so come at me, tourists. Do your worst. I've seen it all.
  3. These people are going to be looking for a reaction, and boy, am I not going to give it to them.
  4. Today I'm not even going to flinch when someone touches my big fuzzy hat. I'm a professional.
  5. It's quiet today.
  6. This is nice.
  7. Where is everyone?
  8. Oh here we go, big group of American students. Oh boy.
  9. Hmmm, guess they just wanted to take a photo of the palace and be on their way.
  10. Good! That's good.
  11. Is there something across town today?
  12. Here comes a family with two little boys. Kids these days have no respect. Going to really have to keep it together for this!
  13. Oh wow, the mother explained that we are doing a job and we are not to be bothered.
  14. Hmmm.
  15. HERE WE GO: LOUD EASTERN EUROPEAN TEENAGERS LEAVING A DOUBLE DECKER BUS.
  16. They're just.. ignoring me.
  17. What the hell is going on today.
  18. Calm down, Nigel. This is good. Every day you complain about people trying to make you break.
  19. Ok, but those girls are very carefully making sure I'm not in their photo.
  20. Do I smell?
  21. This is just weird. People normally come specifically to test our resolve.
  22. What do I do if I'm not trying not to smile all day?
  23. I guess I just... protect the queen?
  24. Bloody hell, that's my job, isn't it? To protect the queen?!
  25. I guess I've really lost sight of that.
  26. Every day I wake up and think, "Gee, Nigel, today your job is to not laugh," but like I'm a guard. This gun is real.
  27. I went to a special school for this. I see the Queen daily. And yet every day I just think about all the jokes I'm going to hear.
  28. I've heard some good jokes though.
  29. People have told me a lot of secrets.
  30. Ok, Nigel. Are you a listener? Is that all you are? Or are you a soldier?
  31. I'm a soldier.
  32. Here look, a local British teen and his girlfriend. He'll for sure mess with me to try to impress her. Just think about the Queen.
  33. A polite hello?!
  34. A POLITE HELLO?!
  35. "HELLO, YOU LITTLE PUNK. GET BACK HERE AND TELL ME A JOKE, YOU LITTLE JESTER BOY."
  36. Oh God, now everyone is looking at me.
  37. That outburst was unacceptable.
  38. Just be still.
  39. Oh man. Oh man, I'm so fired.
  40. What if I just left?
  41. Yeah yeah, I'm just going to go home.
  42. Hurry, run.
  43. God save the queen.