Thoughts of a Woman Who Accidentally Ripped the Tag off the Guy She's Seeing's Priceless Beanie Baby

  1. Joe's apartment is nice.
  2. I knew he did well for himself, but not this well.
  3. Now I'm embarrassed we always go to my place.
  4. That's definitely changing.
  5. Plus this is a lot closer to work.
  6. Wait, what is that purple bear in the glass case? Is that-
  7. "Is that a Princess Diana Beanie Baby?"
  8. He's embarrassed of it, but it is.
  9. He got it when he was young and obsessed with Beanie Babies.
  10. And now it's worth more than this apartment, he laughs.
  11. Is that true?
  12. "Go get changed. We're supposed to be at the party in half an hour and I don't want to meet all your friends late."
  13. I'm totally going to have another glass of wine while I wait though.
  14. Joe's got good taste in books. You can tell he sort of decorated this place. Even the Beanie Baby is endearing.
  15. I had the koala one, and I remember the poem inside the tag made a Mel Gibson reference.
  16. Did they do a poem for the Princess Diana one?
  17. Seems kind of morbid.
  18. Wait, did the Beanie Baby people make money from the Princess Diana Beanie Baby?
  19. No, I'm sure they donated the money to her family.
  20. Her family are the princes of England. They don't need the money.
  21. They probably gave it to some charity.
  22. Maybe the tag says.
  23. Samantha, don't. It's in a glass case.
  24. Joe wants to know if I mind if he takes a shower.
  25. "Take as long as you need!"
  26. I'm checking the tag.
  27. Carefully lift the glass box.
  28. God, this thing is soft.
  29. I wonder if Joe ever touches it.
  30. Ok, hurry, Samantha. Check the tag.
  31. Make sure it clarifies that Beanie Baby didn't make money off the untimely death of Princess Di.
  32. It's name is "Princess™."
  33. You can trademark the word "Princess?" That's nuts.
  34. Aw, the poem is sad. "Like an angel, she came from heaven above/She shared her compassion, her pin, her love/She only stayed with us long enough to teach/The World to share, to give, to reach."
  35. That's pretty heavy for a stuffed animal.
  36. Imagine being the Beanie Baby poem writer and finishing up writing a couplet about a snake when they are like "you've been assigned the Princess Diana poem."
  37. I wonder if they gave it to their best poet, or if they only had one.
  38. Ok, read the fine print, Sam, and put Princess™ away.
  39. It reads "all profits of Ty from this collectible will he donated to the Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fund."
  40. Oh good, it did go to charity-
  41. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT.
  42. OH GOD, it was just the radiator.
  43. Oh no. Oh no.
  44. I ripped the tag.
  45. I ripped the tag off the priceless Beanie Baby.
  46. What do I do?
  47. I think I should leave.
  48. Joe knows where you live, Samantha.
  49. I don't have enough money to pay for this thing.
  50. Ok, how much could it be?
  51. Google "Princess Diana Beanie Baby."
  52. First article is "is the princess Diana Beanie Baby worth $100,000."
  53. $100,000.
  54. That's....
  55. That's life-ruining money.
  56. Can you attach it back?
  57. I ripped the little hole in the tag.
  58. He'll probably notice scotch tape.
  59. This is a fancy place. He probably has a cleaning lady. I could blame the cleaning lady.
  60. Sam, you're a twenty-five-year-old social justice worker. You can't be blaming cleaning ladies.
  61. He's out of the shower.
  62. How can he be clean already?
  63. He's changing. I don't have much time.
  64. I guess I hope I'm cute enough to get away with this?
  65. I am not $100,000 cute.
  66. Ok, position it in such a way that the tag sort of hangs from the string.
  67. It fell.
  68. Damn it, Sam, don't crease the tag.
  69. MY HANDS ARE JITTERY BECAUSE I COULDN'T HELP BUT TOUCH THE THING I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO TOUCH.
  70. Damn it, I'm going to have to go back on tindr, aren't I?
  71. God, I hate dating.
  72. I really liked Joe.
  73. Grab your coat so you can book it.
  74. He wants to know what shirt he should wear.
  75. He's joking with me, but little does he know that I just ruined his mint condition Princess Diana Beanie Baby.
  76. "Hahahaha wear whatever you want. You deserve it."
  77. That was too nice. That is not our dynamic. He will be suspicious.
  78. Why couldn't I ruin like an action figure? The bear is so precious. I feel like I hurt it.
  79. "Sorry."
  80. Don't apologize to Princess™. Apologize to Joe.
  81. I could just not mention it. Go out, enjoy the night, and then ghost him.
  82. I finally told my mom about him yesterday. Now I'm going to have to call her and tell her I ruined it all because I broke his toy.
  83. He's tying his shoes.
  84. Put the glass back on. Hurry. Lie. We are going to lie and postpone the truth.
  85. He's ready.
  86. "Let's go!"
  87. Holy shit, he noticed right away.
  88. Um... I guess I cry?
  89. "I'm so sorry. I had to read the tag to make sure it mentioned a charity so I knew that the Beanie Baby people didn't make money off of Princess Diana's death. And then your beautiful pre-war radiator scared me, and I ripped the tag, and I am so so sorry. You could put me on some sort of payment plan, but I do not have $100,000. I have $800."
  90. He's so silent.
  91. He's cradling Princess™.
  92. Try to think of how pathetic he looks now when you're sad about him breaking up with you later.
  93. He just asked me if I said $100,000.
  94. "Yeah, I looked it up. I know it's worth $100,000 and I'm so sorry."
  95. Why did he smile?
  96. He says this one's only worth $5,000 because it's not a first edition.
  97. $5,000?
  98. Oh sick.
  99. I'm absolutely worth more than a $5,000 Beanie Baby.