Thoughts of a Woman Who Swam in a Polar Bear Plunge While Someone Stole her GODDAMN TOWEL

  1. Ahhhhhh! So cold! So, so cold! It's colder than I thought, and I thought it would be the coldest thing of all time. Ahhhh! OH MAN. Hahahahahahaha!
  2. Ok, Claire! You did it. Get the hell out of the water.
  3. You did the Polar Bear Plunge. You raised money and awareness for Make-a-Wish. Good for you.
  4. A sick child will get his or her wish because of me. That's pretty powerful.
  5. Now where's my goddamn towel?
  6. Why isn't it with my clothes?
  7. "STACEY, WHERE THE HELL IS MY TOWEL?!"
  8. I think... I think someone took my towel.
  9. I AM COLD. I AM SO COLD.
  10. I put it right next to my clothes so I could towel off and then immediately change and get warm.
  11. I KNOW THAT, CLAIRE, BUT WHERE IS THE GODDAMN TOWEL?!
  12. "HAS ANYONE SEEN MY TOWEL? IT'S WHITE AND NONDESCRIPT."
  13. No one will admit to taking your towel, Claire.
  14. I NEED TO BE WARM AGAIN. BEACHES ARE WINDY, AND I AM SOAKING WET.
  15. Claire, just go ask one of the volunteers for a towel.
  16. "Can- can- can- I get a- towel- please-"
  17. They ran out of towels.
  18. But said I could use a damp one.
  19. OK, THAT'S ENOUGH, NICE CLAIRE. MEAN CLAIRE IS TAKING OVER BECAUSE YOU ARE SO GODDAMN COLD.
  20. "WHICH ONE OF YOU ASSHOLES TOOK MY TOWEL?!"
  21. There! That man! He has a white towel.
  22. "GIVE ME THAT!"
  23. Damn it, it's his towel. He sharpeed his initials on it.
  24. IT'S SO COLD.
  25. CLAIRE, GO BACK INTO THE WATER. IT'LL BE LESS COLD.
  26. Ok.
  27. NO. NO. I WAS SO WRONG. THE WATER IS COLDER.
  28. NOW I'M JUST VERY WET AGAIN.
  29. WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS?
  30. WE DON'T NEED TO RAISE AWARENESS FOR MAKE-A-WISH. PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT MAKE-A-WISH.
  31. Yes, but it raises money and helps put it back in the public conscience-
  32. SHUT UP, RATIONAL CLAIRE. I'M COLD, AND NO TERMINALLY ILL CHILD LEADING A PARADE CAN CHANGE THAT RIGHT NOW.
  33. There! An unused towel! Steal it!
  34. But then I'll be a towel thief too.
  35. I DON'T CARE. I LEGIT COULD DIE FROM COLD. THAT'S A THING THAT HAPPENS.
  36. Quick, ask if it's anyone's towel.
  37. "IS-IS-IS-IS-IS-IS-IS-IS-IS-"
  38. I can't talk. That's not good.
  39. And someone took the unused towel.
  40. Claire, use your clothes to dry off.
  41. Then what will I wear on the walk to the car?
  42. WE'LL WORRY ABOUT THE WALK TO THE CAR WHEN WE GET THERE, GODDAMN IT.
  43. Humans are not polar bears. We are not meant to emulate them. This whole event is mankind's hubris at its finest.
  44. I'm using my Northface jacket as a towel.
  45. GODDAMN WATERPROOF NORTHFACE WON'T ABSORB MY SOAKING BODY.
  46. USE THE FUR HOOD, CLAIRE.
  47. Ok, now rub your socks all over you. There you go. Socks are tiny towels.
  48. I AM GOING TO LIGHT MYSELF ON FIRE.
  49. Run. Run. Run to the car.
  50. I FORGOT MY SHOES.
  51. LEAVE THEM, CLAIRE. YOU'RE COLD, AND NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.
  52. "EVERYONE ON THIS BEACH IS A MANIAC, AND I HOPE WHOEVER STOLE MY TOWEL ROTS IN AN ICY COLD HELL."
  53. I'M SHIVERING TOO MUCH TO HOLD MY KEYS.
  54. I PRESSED THE PANIC BUTTON BY ACCIDENT.
  55. GOOD.
  56. Jump in the car, blast the heat. Hurry.
  57. AHHHH! IT'S COLD AIR-
  58. Oh wait, it's getting warmer.
  59. Oh man, oh man. I made it. Oh, blast that heat. Thank God. I want to melt.
  60. What am I sitting on?
  61. Oh.
  62. I left my towel in the car.