Thoughts of an Edible Arrangements Delivery Man Who Was Greeted With an "Oh, This is Just Like Him."

  1. Oh, she's angry.
  2. "Ms. Parker, I just need you to sign-"
  3. She refuses to sign, because that would be letting Derek know that what he did was ok.
  4. "Ok, Ms. Parker, I don't work for Derek. I work for Edible Arrangements-"
  5. She doesn't care who I work for if I'm team Derek.
  6. "Ma'am, I assure you I'm not team anybody. I'm just trying to deliver an Edible Arrangements."
  7. Lucas, just sign for her and put it somewhere in her lawn.
  8. It's hot out and all of the flower-shaped fruit in the car is going to get gross unless we keep moving.
  9. "I understand that this couldn't possibly make up for whatever it was Derek did- Oh no, that wasn't me asking about what he did-"
  10. This happens nine out of ten times I deliver an Edible Arrangement.
  11. I thought this would be a fun temporary gig. Drive around, listen to podcasts, deliver presents to people.
  12. But no. I deliver almost exclusively to hospitals and people who have been wronged.
  13. "Ms. Parker, it's not my place to say, but I don't think you can judge Derek's activity strictly based off his frequently used emojis."
  14. Don't engage, Lucas, you moron.
  15. Now you'll never make your deliveries for the day.
  16. It was a bad idea to spend so much time in the park during my lunch break.
  17. What was I supposed to do? Say no to a tetherball game with those dudes?
  18. "Wait, ma'am, Kelcie is your sister or his sister?"
  19. Her sister, thank God.
  20. Still pretty messed up.
  21. Lucas, stop asking questions.
  22. "Listen regardless of who Derek has been texting and whether or not he's really been working late, I need you to sign so I can continue my route."
  23. The honeydew is getting kinda brown in the sun.
  24. Edible Arrangements probably buys 90% of the world's honeydew.
  25. I guess it's easy to put on sticks and pretend to be a daffodil or whatever.
  26. Lucas, if you are doing this job to support your music career, you need to actually start writing and going to open mics.
  27. "Sometimes people just give Edible Arrangments because they love people."
  28. That's nonsense and you know it, Lucas.
  29. This thing cost $125, and it's made up of fruit and arts and crafts materials. You don't buy something a kindergartner could make for $125 unless you messed up.
  30. If Derek isn't messing around, he's at the very least snapchating people more than he should.
  31. "No, we don't need to call-"
  32. We are calling Derek.
  33. What am I doing with me life? I don't even listen to music in the car, and music is supposed to be my passion.
  34. Podcasts are me avoiding my music dreams because they make me feel like I'm educating myself.
  35. But it's just more distractions.
  36. "Oh no, I don't want to talk to-"
  37. "Yeah, hi Derek. This is Lucas, and I am an Edible Arrangments delivery man."
  38. You are a musician, Lucas.
  39. "Can you let your lovely wife- oh you're his fiancé? Well that's better- I don't mean better, I just mean... Anyway can you let her know this Edible Arrangement is because you love her?"
  40. Derek is on speaker, and Ms. Parker is demanding to know where he is right now.
  41. Wait, who was that in the background?
  42. "Derek, who was that? ANSWER YOUR FIANCÉ. NOW TELL US WHO THAT IS."
  43. It's just his secretary Amber.
  44. "See, Derek would never-"
  45. Oh God, it's Kelcie, Ms. Parker's sister, and she is tired of hiding the truth. It's her. It's always been her.
  46. Both Ms. Parker and Derek are screaming at Kelcie.
  47. Goddamn it. This always happens.
  48. "I'm sorry Derek is such a scumbag. Do you need a hug? Can you sign?"
  49. Lucas, be more sympathetic. This woman's life is falling apart.
  50. That's your role as an Edible Arrangements delivery man.
  51. Derek hung up.
  52. People are terrible. I wish there is something I could do about it.
  53. I guess I could write a song about it. That's something, I guess?
  54. That's what I'm going to do tonight.
  55. After I deliver to five different hospitals.
  56. I hope they are babies and not get wells.
  57. "Ms. Parker. You can do better than Derek... Would you like a chocolate strawberry?"
  58. She would.
  59. "Ok, sign right here."