Thoughts of an Irish-American as He Orders a Guinness From a Bartender Who's Actually From Ireland

  1. YEAH, IT'S MY DAY. LET'S GO. ERIN GO BRAGH.
  2. "A Guinness please."
  3. Oh.
  4. The bartender is Irish. Like Irish Irish. Like from Ireland. Like with an accent.
  5. And I'm wearing a shamrock tie and a leprechaun hat.
  6. I'm... a fraud.
  7. Should I mention my great-grandparents were from Ireland?
  8. No, right?
  9. What county were they from? Kilkenny? Kildare? Kil....something.
  10. Kilgalway? That's not a thing. Kil... Kilireland.
  11. Turn off the lights on your shamrock hat, Declan.
  12. This guy probably things I'm such a poser. But I was raised very culturally Irish.
  13. You are from Connecticut, and he can tell.
  14. I mean, my mom makes Irish soda bread and corned beef and cabbage every year. I don't eat it, but she makes it.
  15. "Thanks. Cheers!"
  16. DECLAN, YOU TOTALLY MIMICKED HIS ACCENT. STOP.
  17. He hates me. I am not his countryman.
  18. How can I let him know I'm a son of Ireland?
  19. I get easily burnt.
  20. I saw Brooklyn in theaters before people were talking about it.
  21. If I was a girl, I would totally wear a Claddagh ring.
  22. Oh no, my friends are here, and their faces are painted.
  23. "Hey guys. Yep. Yep. Kiss me, I'm Irish. That's a lot of beads, Karen."
  24. Oh man, this bartender hates us. Everyone is wearing shamrock glasses. And I'm with them.
  25. Ralph is very obviously Italian.
  26. What is Paul ordering?
  27. Do not order Irish car bombs, Paul. That is a very horrific reference to the IRA.
  28. Stop him.
  29. "I'm buying a round of Guinness!"
  30. Oh great. Now this bartender thinks that I think Irish people are all about drinking.
  31. I know it's a rich culture.
  32. Quick, quote James Joyce.
  33. I've never read any James Joyce...
  34. Soon though. He's on my list.
  35. You are an American kid from Connecticut, Declan.
  36. This is the same thing as your pathetic taco night on Cinco De Mayo.
  37. MAYO! My great-grandparents are from County Mayo.
  38. That doesn't start with a "Kil" at all.
  39. You don't deserve your Celtic cross tattoo.
  40. Why is the bartender giving me a Jameson shot?
  41. "What's this for?"
  42. He raised one and said "Happy St. Paddy's."
  43. "Happy St. Paddy's."
  44. Wow. I guess he doesn't hate me.
  45. Oh god, he's pouring another.
  46. I can handle it. I'm Irish.
  47. And that means dealing with something terrible and not saying a goddamn word.