Thoughts of Me, Dennis Flynn, as I Realized in Line at Subway That I Left My Debit Card in an ATM

  1. "Six inch flatbread. Sweet onion teriyaki. American cheese, please."
  2. Subway is gross but I love it and no one has to know.
  3. "Yes, toasted please."
  4. Look at me, spending my lunch break going to the bank and eating fresh.
  5. Good for you, Dennis. Good for you.
  6. Snag some red Doritos. You deserve it.
  7. "Can I get an extra large drink with that?"
  8. $9.85 is too much. I should pack my lunch like an adult.
  9. Hmmmm.
  10. Where is my debit card?
  11. Oh.
  12. It's definitely still at that ATM.
  13. I have no cash.
  14. Run.
  15. "Hey, sorry I'll be right back!"
  16. Can you do that? Can you just leave food at the cash register and run away?
  17. Is this a crime? It's not really stealing, right? I just made them create a sandwich and booked it.
  18. Ok, Chase bank.
  19. There is someone else at your ATM.
  20. It's not your ATM, Dennis.
  21. Causally be like "was there already a debit card in that ATM? And if so, may I have it?"
  22. What kind of moron puts his debit card in the machine and then forgets to take it out?
  23. In my defense, Chase ATMs just started a new chip technology that makes it hold onto your card throughout the entire transaction.
  24. Stop blaming chip technology, Dennis. The machine definitely said in big letters "don't forget to grab your card. You are a child and have no business banking."
  25. "Hey, was there a card in there?"
  26. This woman is confused by this question.
  27. Also, she does not like being bothered mid-ATM transaction.
  28. It's noon on a Tuesday, ma'am. I'm not the boldest robber ever.
  29. "I think I left my card in there. Was it there?"
  30. She said no. And is now protecting the screen with her hands like I'm trying to cheat off her test.
  31. Ok, get in line at the actual bank.
  32. Oh no, the line is like 20 people deep.
  33. My sandwich is just sitting at that Subway register. Every second I am away from that Subway, it is more and more likely that I am a sandwich con artist.
  34. What do I do? I should wait in line at the bank. I need to get a new card. Some card thief could be using my card all around the city.
  35. Dennis, you know a thief would not get far on your card.
  36. You aren't exactly a big earner.
  37. Finding my debit card would be like finding a good coupon.
  38. Yes, but the adult thing to do would be to wait in line and settle my finances in a responsible way.
  39. So I forget my sandwich?
  40. And never go to that Subway again?
  41. I go to that Subway a lot.
  42. I'm not ready to just give up on an entire work-adjacent Subway.
  43. I have to pay for that sandwich.
  44. I think I have $10 in my backpack up at the office.
  45. Run. Run. Run.
  46. This is ridiculous. I am sprinting around in work clothes.
  47. Policemen are looking at me funny, like "it's not illegal to run in work clothes, but you are on notice."
  48. Especially because I just left a bank.
  49. Ok, elevator.
  50. Ok, here we go. Tiptoe in.
  51. Don't actually tiptoe, but do like an office equivalent of tiptoeing.
  52. Don't let anyone see you or they are going to be like "back from lunch?" and I have to explain whatever this is.
  53. Damn. A co-worker.
  54. "Oh hey, forgot my wallet in my bag. Grabbing food."
  55. Oh wow, that's sort of true and is not a ridiculous excuse.
  56. I guess not everything has to be a big ordeal.
  57. Ok, run. Run to Subway.
  58. This is such a situation.
  59. Every problem in my life is something I created for myself.
  60. Be appropriately out of breath when you get to Subway.
  61. Make it seem like you have atoned.
  62. "Hey! I'm back!"
  63. Weird lack of judgement from the Subway cashier.
  64. I've been gone almost 20 minutes, sir. Make me feel bad.
  65. It's $10.30 now?
  66. Somehow my order is more expensive now. Is there a late tax? This is now the craziest part of all of this.
  67. I have a ten dollar bill.
  68. "I have a ten dollar bill."
  69. He shrugged and accepted it.
  70. I owe them thirty cents.
  71. Had I known this Subway is on the barter system, I would have given them my hoodie earlier.
  72. Ok, got the sandwich. Now run back to the bank.
  73. Wait in line.
  74. This line is ridiculous.
  75. I am going to go past my allotted hour lunch.
  76. Ok, at the front.
  77. "Hey I left my card in the ATM."
  78. Oh, I have to wait in the customer service lounge.
  79. This was the line for regular banking. For people who don't lose their credit cards at the actual bank.
  80. This wait should take half an hour.
  81. Well, I'm here.
  82. Is it weird if I eat my six inch chicken teriyaki?
  83. Is it ok to eat in a bank? What's bank etiquette?
  84. What else should I do?
  85. I could list about it.
  86. Name the guy "Dave" or something and make it seem like he's a real idiot.
  87. Or just own it. Break my brand a little bit and be like "this is me. I'm a guy who leaves his cards in ATMs. Who's with me?"
  88. But then everyone will know how often I go to Subway.
  89. I'm eating in the bank. There's no dignity anymore.
  90. Ugh, I'm going to have to change my billing info for Netflix, and my phone, and my saved Dominos Pizza Tracker info.
  91. Don't write that, Dennis.
  92. They know I go to Subway. They can probably guess I eat Dominos.
  93. I shouldn't list this. I should instead do it from the perspective of the debit card that was left in the machine.
  94. You already did one about a debit card, you hack.
  95. "Yes! Dennis Flynn, that's me. I left my debit card in the machine."
  96. The woman says that ever since they've introduced the chip cards, 90% of lost cards are left in ATMs.
  97. So, it's ok. This is a mistake that happens to adults.
  98. I'm an adult.
  99. And as an adult, I should admit in my list that I got a foot long sub and not a six inch sub.