Tinder Profiles of Men I Dated, Rewritten for Accuracy

  1. A germaphobe, I waste women the way I waste water, perpetually washing my hands of both.
  2. It'll take you two years to discover my real name. And that I'm married. And I have a daughter. But we're still cool, right?
  3. I need you to tell me over & over again how huge my cock is. Lie to me, baby. Lie. To. Me.
  4. Everything I know about women I learned by watching hardcore porn.
  5. Lazy as fuck. In life, in bed.