TEXT MESSAGES MY MOM HAS SENT ME

  1. She tells me this after I told her I have a thrombosed hemorrhoid and that I can't take an aloe bath because my housemates are filthy pigs and the bathtub has a dirt ring around it
  2. I tell her that there is no way I will go on a birthright trip as it is pure Israel propaganda and I'm not into Zionism . The emojis are representative of the angst she feels as an "old" woman of (54!) who loves her chickens. She calls her chicken her "girls" and let's them play in the house
  3. My 9th grader sister went to formal with a guy named Will Tarr who has a girlfriend and apparently "sent all of Serra high school her nudes" her being my sister. This is all according to her Askfm
  4. No Mom, I am not going to call up our close family friend who is a very famous producer to casually ask him to give me a job this summer. I've never met him and just because he liked you more than all your sisters and had a crush on you growing up doesn't mean I have an "in".
  5. She's not into this shit. In reference to my sister's defiant behavior because she lied about who she went to Stanford mall with and she was doing so well in therapy last week