your secret is highly secured

Here are the steps I've taken to keep it safe
  1. The secret is written on a black piece of paper in black fluorescent pen
    Glancing quickly at the paper would lead you to the assumption that its just a black piece of paper. But if you take it to a night club or "cosmic" bowling alley? those cool blacklights would reveal it
  2. the paper is safeguarded inside a bulletproof and fireproof box
    no bullets can hurt the box. no fire can hurt the box. can fire-bullets hurt the box? first, absolutely not. second, mind explaining what those are to me? never heard of them
  3. the box is shut with a padlock
    not just a standard 3-twist padlock. No. This padlock's combination matches the current hour, minute, and second of the timezone where your five sons were born. trying to open the box during daylight saving's time? No problem, just wait a few months.
  4. the box rests in the arms of a monk
    he sits inside a linen tent. he speaks no words of any language. he eats no food of any diet. He has no emotion and no friends. The only way to convince him to hand over the box is to hold a mirror to his face and prove to him that he is holding it
  5. so there, its safe.
    now nobody will know were like "an item" or whatever