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Been living with Jared for 2 years now.
  1. Long bathroom trips
    No one spends more time pooping than this guy. He says he's on his phone most of the time but I think he just has ridiculous poops.
  2. Stays out all night
    Like wat u doin
  3. Doesn't multitask well
    Lights out if he's not looking you dead in the eye.
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  1. Cry
    Like a baby. No shame. Been waiting 21+ years for this.
  2. Skip work the next day
    No way José would I go sell office products after the single greatest moment in my life
  3. Buy every souvenir item
    Catch me spending over $400 on hats, tshirts, magnets, pennants, mugs, pet clothes, anything embroidered with "Philadelphia Flyers 2016 Stanley Cup Champions"
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I know some of my followers don't care about basketball but keep these in your thoughts if any come true this March and think "wow stank was spot on!"
  1. 1.
    Villanova bows out in the first, yes first, round
    Why not?? Why the fuck not?? Villanova is all but locked in to be a 1 seed in the East region and that is going to poise them in a game against one of the 16 seed play-ins. A 16 has NEVER beaten a 1 but by the law of averages it's gotta happen sooner or later. Why not this year? For those who know me, this will secure life-long bragging rights.
  2. 2.
    All four 12 seeds will win their first round games
    12 seeds play the 5 seeds in the first round and Bracketology has Valparaiso, Monmouth, Yale, and Arkansas Little Rock as the 12's, so it may seem like a bit of a stretch, but all the 5's currently listed (Arizona, Iowa, Purdue, Iowa St) are unproven teams with question marks around each of them
  3. 3.
    The Final Four does not consist of a power-5 team
    Power 5 conferences are Big 10, Big 12, Pac 12, SEC, and ACC. This would mean no Michigan St, no Oklahoma, no Oregon, no Kentucky, no UNC/Duke/UVA. That opens the door for sleepers like Seton Hall, VCU, Wichita St, and Providence (not my predictions, just saying)
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Disclaimer: I fully recognize how fortunate I am and that many have it much worse. These are just every day moments that make me say CMON MAN
  1. Kids whose conversations revolve around pot 100% of the time
    This was the thing to do in junior year of high school, but at this age doobie-bragging is a tell tale sign of immaturity and/or accepting the burn out life with no other interests or hobbies. Yes it's very impressive you hit 10 bongs and 12 dabs last night, but leave it in your diary Brody I'm not interested.
  2. Social climbing
    If you make friends, don't ditch them for cooler friends. Here's the thing, your new friends aren't cooler, they're just the assholes that talk about how many grav bongs they did at their grandparents house on Easter.
  3. Inappropriately timed loud music
    I'm all down for the get down, anyone who knows me can tell you that. But living next to a frat this year I have experienced both the 3am and 9am technosplosions and they're always a mood killer, whether you're bangin or sleepin.
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Test tonight at 530 in center city. Here goes nothing.
  1. Slept til 10
  2. Ate at Potbelly for an hour
  3. Bought 2 candy bars from sev
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  1. Dab squidward
  2. Dwight pumpkin head
  3. Rap battle mind shattered
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Thots I have in finance night classy
  1. Gary is tryna bang this Asian chick
    Girl that sits next to Gary and I, he's been laying foundation since week 1 and now it's appearing materials are being hauled in to construct his compound
  2. Howard Keen was probably not a very exciting young man
    Elderly finance professor nuff said
  3. The guy sitting in front of me needs to take a chill pill
    Classic over-participater, not that there's anything wrong with being an involved student, but there's no need to celebrate when you correctly guess the directional influence return rate has on future value I mean cmon
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No particular order
  1. 1.
    Peter and Chris have to go on a vision quest to prove they're Native American after Peter gambles away the car at a casino.
  2. 2.
    Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd move into Cleveland's house and need the help of Brian and Stewie to stop Soviet sleeper spy, Mayor Adam West
  3. 3.
    The pilot episode when Brian scoots by Peter in the kitchen and exclaims "Woah, ass ahoy"
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  1. "I have to take my fish to the fish dentist"
  2. "Ah sorry, I just let my neighbor borrow my car"
  3. "I have to be up early tomorrow for a colonoscopy"
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  1. Magicians hat
  2. Football helmet
  3. Baseball hat
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