7am Thoughts (or Anthony Is Posting Another List About His Depression … 😟)

As I sit in my car before work, things come and go through my head
  1. Am I a phony?
    I try to stay positive, and I always project a positive attitude at work. People who work with me would never even know that I'm usually anxious and often depressed.
  2. Why do I even get sad?
    I've posted before that I know how many good things I have in my life. It's not perfect but it should be enough for me …
  3. I'm not always sad
    I feel like my list app lists make me seem like a negative always sad person, and that's far from the truth. Again, if you knew me in real life, you would probably think I'm lying about having depression.
  4. But my depression manifests itself in different ways. Sometimes I'm just sad. Sometimes I'm hopeful,l about things but have no motivation to actually follow through on the things that would make me happy.
  5. Like sometimes it's as simple as being really excited all day at work to go home and watch a movie. Then when I do get home, I take the movie out and then sit down or lay down in my bed and have lost all interest in anything but messing around on my phone and sleeping
  6. This often leads to anxiety about missing out on life
    Aside from all my other anxieties, I start to think about how I should be doing more with my life and not sleep it all away
  7. And yet, much of the time, I feel like things are going well and getting better in my life
  8. And that's why I'm so fucked up.
  9. And will be alone forever.
  10. No one should have to deal with this.