Am I Really Okay?

  1. So, I pick my daughter up from her mom's house at 3pm on Saturdays.
  2. In case you haven't read my other lists, we're on very good terms. Good friends. She just didn't love me the way she thought. Nobody did anything wrong. We agree on everything coparenting-wise. We've been separated for 2.5 years.
  3. She's been dating someone since the summer, I believe.
  4. She doesn't really talk about it with me, because I think she thinks it'll hurt me too much.
  5. I tell her I'm okay.
  6. I tell myself that I'm okay.
  7. I wonder, am I actually okay?
  8. I still get this twinge of stomachache when I see pictures of them together. In my former home.
  9. But the twinge is gone a minute later, and I'm okay.
  10. But am I actually okay?
  11. Well, today I met him.
  12. It wasn't intentional. I was picking up my daughter and he pulled up. And got out of his car as I was strapping her into her car seat.
  13. And he walked right over to me. "Hey! Anthony! I'm Tom. Nice to finally meet you!"
  14. And I, fully figuring he would do that, when I saw him pull up, shook his hand, said hi, and we talked about how wonderful my daughter is. He seemed to really care about her. Which is what her mom told me once.
  15. And I said goodbye. And he went inside with her. And I got in the car.
  16. And I was … fine.
  17. No anger. No sadness. I was actually glad it happened.
  18. There are going to be things over the years, if he sticks around, that we're both going to be at. This was a good first contact.
  19. I'm pretty sure my ex was freaking out when she saw him come over to me
  20. She probably thinks I'm crushed. Depressed. Crying myself to sleep.
  21. She doesn't believe me when I say I want her to be happy. Just like she wants for me.
  22. Because it's hard for me to believe that I feel that way.
  23. But I do.
  24. I think.
  25. I really think I'm going to be okay.
  26. I do wish I wasn't alone anymore. But I guess all that will come in time.
  27. I'm okay.
  28. For today.